ChatterBank1 min ago
Advice - please
39 Answers
(sorry it's a long one) I picked up my daughter (14) from school yesterday, she came out with the Student Welfare person; she had got upset in school and told one of her teachers that her Dad (from whom I'm divorced) had made her stay in her room all night until the next day, without food or a drink from 6pm, she was telling them she hates being there & told them he's a bully. So naturally, the SW got involved and had a chat with me, explaining that it's her job to listen to children and report any concerns as necessary. My D was very upset, saying she did not like staying there (2 nights mid-week & every other weekend) as she feels she's treading eggshells around him.
When we were together, he was very aggressive toward me and on occasions knocked me about. The worst was his controlling behaviour, he spent best part of our 16yrs together trying to turn me into someone else, which still wasnt good enough for him. On the outside, he portrays a stable, hard working, decent quiet man; behind closed doors he was verbally abusive, controlling, and it felt like mental torture.
Leaving him 10yrs ago for reasons above, he was very bitter for the first couple of yrs; then went to live with his Mum in 2005 but kept the marital property on, renovating it. My daughter then had her access with him at her Nan's house, and everything was fine. He moved back into his house in 2010, and almost immediately little things started. He stopped my D from bringing her belongings to my house, he wrote lists of anything she took from his up to mine, and if it wasn't back by a certain time he'd kick off about it. Other things were, sending her to bed without tea, swearing at her and getting angry over petty stuff. Last year he took her on holiday and when she came back she said they'd had an argument and he'd pushed her, catching her neck in the process. I took this up with him along with several other issues that had been niggling me; obviously, he then used it to berate my parenting, saying he's so strict because I'm so lax. My D is a quiet girl, she rarely goes out and the 'naughtiest' thing she does is leave her room a mess. I have absolutely no issues with her, she's not rude or anything like that either to me, her dad or anyone else. I told him if I had further concerns, I would do everything in my power to stop him - including informing social servs if necessary. It seemed to do the trick, my D was much happier, and he even seemed to relax a lot more. But now it's reared it's ugly head again; the biggest problem is his anger (he's not met anyone else - so she's alone with him when she's there), this was exactly what it was like for me, once we were alone, at best he would completely ignore me at worst he was vile - both in behaviour and verbally. My D said to me last night that she felt 'he torture's my mind' - I knew exactly what she meant, and feel desperate that she may now be living the life I once did (without the violence at mo) - he swears at her, throws her things around over the slightest thing.
My D has begged me to say nothing to him, but she's involved the school, who have said they will take it no further, but I'm assuming they will probably monitor her and if she says anything further, contact social servs. I feel torn, as I don't want her living like this, and feel he should know that the school now have concerns, but at the same time scared in case social servs do get involved. I have a very good, civilised relationship with him over my D, but if I was to be brutally honest, I hate having to confront him about anything, as he can still intimidate me and shout me down - he's very clever with his words, and has a horrible way of twisting things. She's begging me to not send her there again, but obviously I'd have to explain that to him - what do I do??
When we were together, he was very aggressive toward me and on occasions knocked me about. The worst was his controlling behaviour, he spent best part of our 16yrs together trying to turn me into someone else, which still wasnt good enough for him. On the outside, he portrays a stable, hard working, decent quiet man; behind closed doors he was verbally abusive, controlling, and it felt like mental torture.
Leaving him 10yrs ago for reasons above, he was very bitter for the first couple of yrs; then went to live with his Mum in 2005 but kept the marital property on, renovating it. My daughter then had her access with him at her Nan's house, and everything was fine. He moved back into his house in 2010, and almost immediately little things started. He stopped my D from bringing her belongings to my house, he wrote lists of anything she took from his up to mine, and if it wasn't back by a certain time he'd kick off about it. Other things were, sending her to bed without tea, swearing at her and getting angry over petty stuff. Last year he took her on holiday and when she came back she said they'd had an argument and he'd pushed her, catching her neck in the process. I took this up with him along with several other issues that had been niggling me; obviously, he then used it to berate my parenting, saying he's so strict because I'm so lax. My D is a quiet girl, she rarely goes out and the 'naughtiest' thing she does is leave her room a mess. I have absolutely no issues with her, she's not rude or anything like that either to me, her dad or anyone else. I told him if I had further concerns, I would do everything in my power to stop him - including informing social servs if necessary. It seemed to do the trick, my D was much happier, and he even seemed to relax a lot more. But now it's reared it's ugly head again; the biggest problem is his anger (he's not met anyone else - so she's alone with him when she's there), this was exactly what it was like for me, once we were alone, at best he would completely ignore me at worst he was vile - both in behaviour and verbally. My D said to me last night that she felt 'he torture's my mind' - I knew exactly what she meant, and feel desperate that she may now be living the life I once did (without the violence at mo) - he swears at her, throws her things around over the slightest thing.
My D has begged me to say nothing to him, but she's involved the school, who have said they will take it no further, but I'm assuming they will probably monitor her and if she says anything further, contact social servs. I feel torn, as I don't want her living like this, and feel he should know that the school now have concerns, but at the same time scared in case social servs do get involved. I have a very good, civilised relationship with him over my D, but if I was to be brutally honest, I hate having to confront him about anything, as he can still intimidate me and shout me down - he's very clever with his words, and has a horrible way of twisting things. She's begging me to not send her there again, but obviously I'd have to explain that to him - what do I do??
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Thanks Red. It sounds like a good idea, but I know for a fact he would refuse to go, he would just flip at the idea. In a way I'd rather he sorted his anger problems out. He rarely gets angry with anyone other than those closest (and most vulnerable), i.e. he's not known as a hothead among his friends/family
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Meg I would go to SS myself and let them sort him out. Your ex is a horrible controlling bully and he is frightening your daughter so much that she gets upset in school. So I would get SS involved and perhaps think about visits to him to take place only at her Nan's house as used to happen. Then she is not alone with him. No way should things be allowed to carry on as they are as it will have such a damaging effect on your daughter.
Meg, hard line from me. I deeply sympathise with your fears and understand that your experience makes it hard for you but..
YOU ARE YOUR DAUGHTER'S PROTECTOR
Talk to SS, to the police, do what it takes but please please protect your daughter. In my view, if he can make you send your daughter to somewhere she doesn't want to go and you know why she doesn't want to go and you wouldn't want to go either then you don't have a good civilised relationship with him, he controls you.
YOU ARE YOUR DAUGHTER'S PROTECTOR
Talk to SS, to the police, do what it takes but please please protect your daughter. In my view, if he can make you send your daughter to somewhere she doesn't want to go and you know why she doesn't want to go and you wouldn't want to go either then you don't have a good civilised relationship with him, he controls you.
Meg, you're scared that she might be living the life that you once led - so you've got to put a stop to this. She's got important schoolwork ahead of her and big life choices coming up, so the last thing she needs is this abusive man terrorising her. Helen's right, I'm afraid. You've got to do something; if not, the school and social services will.
Do you have a friend, or your sister perhaps, who could stay with you for a while to give you strength? Because you're going to need to stand up to him. It's very true that most bullies are cowards. You stood up to him once before, and you said that things were better for a while. Be strong, for your girl's sake. x
Do you have a friend, or your sister perhaps, who could stay with you for a while to give you strength? Because you're going to need to stand up to him. It's very true that most bullies are cowards. You stood up to him once before, and you said that things were better for a while. Be strong, for your girl's sake. x
Hi Meg, it probably took an awful lot of pressure building up inside your daughter to mention her father's behaviour to anyone , let alone a person at her school. Your daughter feels vulnerable and needs help and support from those she knows and trusts . Concern yourself with yourself and your lovely daughter and leave any regard you may have had for your ex husband in the bin where it belongs. He does not deserve to be heard while he is bullying your girl the way he is, don't encourage her to go to him, that will diminish the trust she has for you. Be strong, don't let the nasty rat bully you any more. And good luck xx
Thanks for your replies & good advice. I have another man now, and have been with him 8yrs; I haven't actually told him, as my D asked me not to - not because she doesn't trust him, but he can be a bit dramatic and go on & on a bit. The sad thing is, my D has a condition called dyspraxia, which can make it very difficult to hold a conversation with her - she gets jumbled up (but she doesn't tell lies) so in a war of words with her dad she just doesn't stand a chance. I'm awaiting a call from a very good friend of mine, who happens to be a social worker, and I hope I can get this right for all involved. I know he loves her to bits, and I know how I would feel if she was stopped from seeing me, but he has to account for his behaviour. I have to ring the SW back today to update her, she hasn't actually told me what to do - she was more bringing it to my attention, so I suppose she will be expecting some sort of action. Would I be able to talk to her in confidence and ask her to ring SS's? I know this might sound like a coward's plan, but I'll be accused of dramatising - at least if they done it, it may make him realise that he is out of control. All the years I was with him, he was in total denial of the things he done to me, even after I left him - he would deny or try and justify the knocking about, almost to a point of making me feel it was my fault. I'm glad to say I am not that weak with my partner now, but admittedly, he does still have this hold on me.
Agree with the above advice, having been in a similar situation myself some years ago.
You do need to stand up to him and protect your daughter, the best way to do that is to have the SW and SS working with you. Don't be afraid of SS being involved as you are doing the right thing by your daughter and they will be aware of that.
Good luck to you x
You do need to stand up to him and protect your daughter, the best way to do that is to have the SW and SS working with you. Don't be afraid of SS being involved as you are doing the right thing by your daughter and they will be aware of that.
Good luck to you x
Sorry about the shouting. SS must take your daughter's concerns seriously, their first duty is to the child involved. You are reporting what your child has told you and yes she will have to confirm it to SS but they will be gentle with her. he has a history of this behaviour with you so I shouldn't think it will be hard to convince them. Anyone who you allow can phone SS on your (well your daughter's ) behalf but they will need to talk to her and you.
//I know this might sound like a coward's plan, but I'll be accused of dramatising - at least if they done it, it may make him realise that he is out of control.//
It's not cowardly to get the support you and your daughter need. The fact that he would react by accusing / blaming you is why people have encouraged to get SW and SS involved.
//All the years I was with him, he was in total denial of the things he done to me, even after I left him - he would deny or try and justify the knocking about, almost to a point of making me feel it was my fault.//
He's wasn't in denial - he was in control. He is fully aware of what he's done and what he's doing - he is still punishing you for leaving and he is using your daughter to do it.
I'm glad you are getting help with this and best of luck.
It's not cowardly to get the support you and your daughter need. The fact that he would react by accusing / blaming you is why people have encouraged to get SW and SS involved.
//All the years I was with him, he was in total denial of the things he done to me, even after I left him - he would deny or try and justify the knocking about, almost to a point of making me feel it was my fault.//
He's wasn't in denial - he was in control. He is fully aware of what he's done and what he's doing - he is still punishing you for leaving and he is using your daughter to do it.
I'm glad you are getting help with this and best of luck.
I'm sorry to disagree with Redhelen, but this is not a tough one. She is your daughter and you have to protect her. You say it must have taken her time to build the courage to seek help, so you must [IMO] act now. You were an adult and were able to make the decision to leave this nasty bully, she can not. In essence you are, I feel, allowing this to happen/continue.
My MIL onve said to me that if you make a threat you have to follow it through, this was in bringing up my own children. You made the threat of SS before and now you have to follow it through for the sake of your daughter.
Do not be intimidated by this idiot of a man, you have the law on your side and the welfare both physical and emotional of your child to protect.
Lisa x
Sorry if any of that sounds harsh, but if it were me I would have gone round and castrated the ****
My MIL onve said to me that if you make a threat you have to follow it through, this was in bringing up my own children. You made the threat of SS before and now you have to follow it through for the sake of your daughter.
Do not be intimidated by this idiot of a man, you have the law on your side and the welfare both physical and emotional of your child to protect.
Lisa x
Sorry if any of that sounds harsh, but if it were me I would have gone round and castrated the ****
Smowball too has a point, it's [almost] a cry for help. At 14 years old and with, as you have pointed out yourself, problems with getting her point across at times, she is reaching out.
Why not suggest that she doesn't see her Dad for a while, or at least not stay over night and take it from there. Just tell your ex that she doesn't 'fancy' it right now and if he kicks up a fuss about it then tell him why exactly.
Lisa x
Why not suggest that she doesn't see her Dad for a while, or at least not stay over night and take it from there. Just tell your ex that she doesn't 'fancy' it right now and if he kicks up a fuss about it then tell him why exactly.
Lisa x
