The Right Decision to make?

[sandrajo]

I'm looking for a bit of advice, my mum passed away last October and my 16 year old daughter took it really bad as they were very close, my mother in law is terminally ill and we have been told to spend as much time with her as we can, again my daughter has taken this news hard. We are booked to go to Turkey on Sunday and i don't know if we should go, my daughter says she can't deal with another Gran dying and doesn't want to go and see her, she is very upset about the whole situation. My fear is we go on holiday and she dies while we are away, or we stay and she lives for a few more weeks and my daughter misses out on another holiday, due to my mums ill health she missed out on her holiday last year. I have to think of my daughters health as well. Am i being selfish thinking like this?

[PinkFizz]

I really feel for you,but I think you should go on the holiday.You can't control when you mother-in-law passes away but you can control giving you and your daughter a break which you must all need.And if your girl doesn't want to visit her gran at the moment she isn't going to see her if you stay here anyway,is she.

Take the holiday and come back refreshed and more able to cope.

[China Doll]

I agree with PinkFizz... sounds to me like both yourself and your daughter need to recharge your batteries a bit, you've been through a really tough time and you need a break. Your daughter can't face seeing your mother in law at the moment so to that extent I don't think you should miss out on your holiday... and who knows, when you come back if your mother in law is still alive she may change her mind.

Really sorry you find yourself in this situation, good luck xx

[lilacben]

Sandrajo this is very hard for you as well. I was told to go on holiday by my dads doctor although my dad was very ill. But to everyones surprise my dad died two days after I went.I often wonder if I hadnt gone he would have lived longer.So I know the problem you are having. But your daughter and yourself need a break.It is difficult.Do you think your daughter would be happy on holiday knowing her gran may die and she will not have the chance to see her again.?Can you have a word with your mother in laws doctor to see what he thinks.That way your daughter cannot blame you if you should go and anything happens.I really feel for you and your daughter and hope you can decide which is best for both of you. with love Brenda

[Catso]

Firstly I think you should take the holiday. You might have some grim times to come, and you should get a break now, as you might not have a similar chance for a while. I realise you won't be able to put it out of your mind, but try to 'get away from it all' for a while.

Secondly: you can't force her to see the MIL, of course, and I understand how she feels. But you could try pointing out that 1/ the MIL would probably like to see her grandaughter, and may be upset that she can't; 2/ not seeing her isn't going to make any difference to the outcome; 3/ in 5 years, will your daughter wish she has spent as much time as she could with your MIL, while it was still possible?

Lastly, the MIL's doctor shouldn't discuss any details of your MIL's illness (without her specific permission), so it's probably no good asking him/her.

You have my sympathies, in a difficult situation.

[sandrajo]

Thanks very much for your answers, it is a tough one, my inlaws are really making me feel rotten about going on holiday which i find hard as they must now know what i was going through last year. I will take all your kind comments on board and thanks for the well wishes.
Sandra x

[WendyS]

I've read all the other posts who suggest that you go away on holiday but you don't mention your husband/partner (who I presume exists and lives with you) in this situation at all. His mother is terminally ill and dying. It seems to me that HE is the person on whom you should be focusing, and whose feelings above all should be taken into account. What does HE want to do? It is his mother who is dying and I assume your husband supported you when your mother was dying last year. It is unfortunate that your daughter will have to face a second bereavement within nine months but although she is losing a grandparent with whom she is very close, she is not losing her parent. You will have all the time in the world to take future holidays when this final grandparent has died (unless their spouses still exist). Death is a part of living which has to be faced and whilst you can protect small children from the reality of death, you daughter is a young adult now. If she doesn't want to see her dying grandmother, fair enough. but please do give your husband priority in this very difficult situation. He, above all people, needs your support when his mother is dying and your daughter needs to understand that even if she doesn't involve herself in the final dying days of her grandmother, her father almost certainly needs to.

[lady_p_gold]

I wonder if you should go and see her and have a loving visit and then go on holiday ....... your daughter might say she doesn't want to go, but might be comforted later and not have any guilt by the fact that you said a loving goodbye, if in fact she did die while you were on holiday.

[alandga]

I appreciate how difficult this is for you all, and that you need a well deserved break. But surely waiting a while for a holiday wouldn't hurt. Your mother in law won't be around forever, and you will have plenty of time for holidays afterwards. I'm not an unfeeling person, I've been in a similar position myself not too long ago. I cut short my annual holiday to spend a last day with my own grandmother. I cannot imagine how I would have felt if I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. It was very difficult at the time, but would not have done things any differently. I'm sorry if I sound negative, but if it were me, I would like to see my family before the end. God be with you

[ANdy Glasgow]

I( agree with most of the answers- Go on your holiday there is nothing more you can do for someone that is dying. I understand that you are in a difficult position but if the worst happens your daughter will be ready to cope with the breavemnent. My son has just watched his grampa pass away he made the decision on the Sunday before he passed trhe next Friday that he didnt want to go back to see his grampa he dealt with the death fine. He said his goodbys on the Sunday - Your daughter needs the holiday(my son is 15) you are not selfish

[sandrajo]

Thanks for all your thoughts on this, my daughter went to see her gran last night and was very upset, she is still uncided on what to do, but i have a funny feeling we may be staying at home. Again thankyou xx