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What should my friend do in this situation?
13 Answers
My friend's husband-to-be was a divorced man, who had a short marriage with an Asian lady. At the time of their divorcing, the baby was 1 year old. Now the ex-wife went back to Asia and the baby is almost 4 years old.
In order to raise the bi-lingual environment for the baby, the divorced couple is on skype or telephone everyday to talk to the baby. More than that, he travels to Asia 9 days every 2-3 months to visit the baby and each time stays at his ex-wife's apartment, although, he claims that they ever don't share the same bedroom. My friend disagrees of his staying at his ex-wifes during the visit though, he argues that the point of staying at ex-wife's place is to save the hotel cost, more importantly, to share the joy of waking up the baby every morning and falling into sleep with the baby every night, which he misses during the daily life.
What frustrates my friend the most is that during this summer, one month before their wedding, her husband-to-be accepted the proposal and the reservation arrangement done by his ex-wife of traveling to a South Asian country together to have a one-week vacation for the sake of bringing the family feeling and pleasure for the baby.
My friend, as a traditional Chinese, understands as the father, her husband-to-be needs to play a role in raising the kid for his ex-family. However, she finds traveling together with the ex-wife is too intimate and unacceptable, even though he promises that two hotel rooms are booked for the whole trip and not at all any intimacy is involved.
The husband-to-be tries to convince my friend that it's very common in western society that the divorced couple would travel together for the sake of bringing the family feeling and pleasure for the baby, even if some day both party of the divorced couple remarried. Is that true? Isn't this improper and lack of respect to my friend?
Besides, my friend disagrees he does such travel
In order to raise the bi-lingual environment for the baby, the divorced couple is on skype or telephone everyday to talk to the baby. More than that, he travels to Asia 9 days every 2-3 months to visit the baby and each time stays at his ex-wife's apartment, although, he claims that they ever don't share the same bedroom. My friend disagrees of his staying at his ex-wifes during the visit though, he argues that the point of staying at ex-wife's place is to save the hotel cost, more importantly, to share the joy of waking up the baby every morning and falling into sleep with the baby every night, which he misses during the daily life.
What frustrates my friend the most is that during this summer, one month before their wedding, her husband-to-be accepted the proposal and the reservation arrangement done by his ex-wife of traveling to a South Asian country together to have a one-week vacation for the sake of bringing the family feeling and pleasure for the baby.
My friend, as a traditional Chinese, understands as the father, her husband-to-be needs to play a role in raising the kid for his ex-family. However, she finds traveling together with the ex-wife is too intimate and unacceptable, even though he promises that two hotel rooms are booked for the whole trip and not at all any intimacy is involved.
The husband-to-be tries to convince my friend that it's very common in western society that the divorced couple would travel together for the sake of bringing the family feeling and pleasure for the baby, even if some day both party of the divorced couple remarried. Is that true? Isn't this improper and lack of respect to my friend?
Besides, my friend disagrees he does such travel
Answers
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Divorced/separated families do different things. We've been separated for 10 years, taken the children away on long weekends and my ex husband still joins us for lunch on Christmas Day despite having a new partner.
The bottom line is if your friend trusts her husband-to-be, if not then it is a big question mark over the basis of the relationship.
The bottom line is if your friend trusts her husband-to-be, if not then it is a big question mark over the basis of the relationship.
I would also question why the mother of the child has not moved on and found another partner, carrying on having this sort of relationship with her ex-husband is not going to make her appear available to any future relatuionship. It makes no sense at all, unless there has actually been some sort of threat made to your friends fiance / new husband that unless he complies with this arrangement he will be denied all future contact and access.
Well, I must be sorry to say that I don't incline towards you, Mrs. STIDW's view on this.
In your case, all parties feel alright to make this arrangement, maybe only because during the Christmas lunch and long weekend, your ex's new partner needs to join her ex-family or she has some other plan than being with your ex. Then, it could be a good arrangement for all the parties. Nevertheless, your case is anyway quite atypical, and least agreeable to most of the couple in healthy relationship.
Here, apparently, the wife-to-be, the traditional Chinese, is not alright with that, first of all. (By the way, again, how many western women would even be fine with this? It's not about trust here.) Besides, her husband-to-be argues that it's common in western society to travel together even after divorce, which is nonsense. Where does this story come from?
The husband-to-be may not have done anything else with his ex than having fun with his baby, but still, he needs to mind his current relationship as the FIRST priority, namely, to feel for his present-wife-to-be.
In your case, all parties feel alright to make this arrangement, maybe only because during the Christmas lunch and long weekend, your ex's new partner needs to join her ex-family or she has some other plan than being with your ex. Then, it could be a good arrangement for all the parties. Nevertheless, your case is anyway quite atypical, and least agreeable to most of the couple in healthy relationship.
Here, apparently, the wife-to-be, the traditional Chinese, is not alright with that, first of all. (By the way, again, how many western women would even be fine with this? It's not about trust here.) Besides, her husband-to-be argues that it's common in western society to travel together even after divorce, which is nonsense. Where does this story come from?
The husband-to-be may not have done anything else with his ex than having fun with his baby, but still, he needs to mind his current relationship as the FIRST priority, namely, to feel for his present-wife-to-be.
I think that you're friend is marrying a wonderful man. My ex has been dropping a present off in the porch every year for my childs birthday for years. He treats her like a toy he wants to pick up and play with and then throw to one side when he's bored!
The dedication he shows to his child by making these trips is amazing and speaks volumes about his character.
However, I agree that it shows a lack of respect that he is obviously disregarding his new partners feelings. I doubt there is a woman out there who would not be uncomfortable with their man going on holiday with their ex, even if it was for the kids!
I would suggest that the three of them get together and find a solution.
If it's separate hotel rooms, could your friend not go along. She could then see that nothing was going on between him and the ex and then give him some time alone with his child to create a bond.
I certainly don't agree that the child should be given the illusion of a 'family feeling' as it will just end up confusing them.
In the end, the childs needs are the most important.
The dedication he shows to his child by making these trips is amazing and speaks volumes about his character.
However, I agree that it shows a lack of respect that he is obviously disregarding his new partners feelings. I doubt there is a woman out there who would not be uncomfortable with their man going on holiday with their ex, even if it was for the kids!
I would suggest that the three of them get together and find a solution.
If it's separate hotel rooms, could your friend not go along. She could then see that nothing was going on between him and the ex and then give him some time alone with his child to create a bond.
I certainly don't agree that the child should be given the illusion of a 'family feeling' as it will just end up confusing them.
In the end, the childs needs are the most important.
I would suggest that the new wife goes too.
Sounds as though this situation will confuse the child. It probably thinks its father is away on business.Does the child even know he is remarrying?
9 days every 2/3 months is quite alot and talking everyday? My gut reaction is he isn't over the ex wife. He may be the perfect father but I think there is soemthing else keeping his interest.
Sounds as though this situation will confuse the child. It probably thinks its father is away on business.Does the child even know he is remarrying?
9 days every 2/3 months is quite alot and talking everyday? My gut reaction is he isn't over the ex wife. He may be the perfect father but I think there is soemthing else keeping his interest.
Who will? No women would.
He is passing on confusing relationship value and odd family pattern to his baby. Truth of divorce ought to be told to the baby from the beginning. Otherwise, how pathetic to the baby!
Divorce is divorce, over is over. No need to play as the family in order to bring the pleasure to the baby, not to mention such a frequent visit and contact to his ex.
He is passing on confusing relationship value and odd family pattern to his baby. Truth of divorce ought to be told to the baby from the beginning. Otherwise, how pathetic to the baby!
Divorce is divorce, over is over. No need to play as the family in order to bring the pleasure to the baby, not to mention such a frequent visit and contact to his ex.
It�s terrible for your friend � she shouldn't have accepted all these. He might be a great father to his child, but surely doesn�t appear to be a thoughtful partner.
His excuse of saving cost and bringing family feeling to the child is lame. He could do better by checking-in a cheaper hotel to save money and by reading books or playing games to bring the pleasure to his child. Staying with his ex in the same apartment or travelling with his ex doesn�t bring any extra love to his child, but can only be sending an unavoidably misleading signal to his ex and confusing illusion for his child throughout its childhood.
I�m sure if he reflects properly, he will realize how inappropriate he makes this happen and how much pain it has brought to your friend.
His excuse of saving cost and bringing family feeling to the child is lame. He could do better by checking-in a cheaper hotel to save money and by reading books or playing games to bring the pleasure to his child. Staying with his ex in the same apartment or travelling with his ex doesn�t bring any extra love to his child, but can only be sending an unavoidably misleading signal to his ex and confusing illusion for his child throughout its childhood.
I�m sure if he reflects properly, he will realize how inappropriate he makes this happen and how much pain it has brought to your friend.
I think I disagree with most people. I think that for them to be able to get on so well can only be a good thing in bringing up their child. If they get on well why should he stay in a hotel room? It's not like he can have the child for weekends so would be the only time he can do the bedtime thing etc. How many of you with children can honestly say you'd be happy to never put your child to bed and read them a bedtime story?
I know a couple of families where they ex's go on holiday together so the children can spend time with both together (both of these have new partners who go along too). I don't think thats confusing, I think it teaches children about whats important about adult relationships. Though to be fair, I would expect that the new partners would be envited along too. Maybe he things this would be akward if she doesn't have a new partner (gooseberry feeling anyone).
I think he should be applauded for making so much effort to see his child.
I know a couple of families where they ex's go on holiday together so the children can spend time with both together (both of these have new partners who go along too). I don't think thats confusing, I think it teaches children about whats important about adult relationships. Though to be fair, I would expect that the new partners would be envited along too. Maybe he things this would be akward if she doesn't have a new partner (gooseberry feeling anyone).
I think he should be applauded for making so much effort to see his child.
The husband-to-be tries to convince my friend that it's very common in western society that the divorced couple would travel together for the sake of bringing the family feeling and pleasure for the baby, even if some day both party of the divorced couple remarried. Is that true?
That says it all - it isn't normal. Maybe he likes having 2 wives that's what it sounds like and why is he putting the feelings of his soon to be wife aside? Sh's silly to marry him until this situation is resolved.
At 4 the child is no longer a baby and I don't see how him doing this is helping the child. He is teaching the child that everything is rosy with mummy and daddy - family feeling - wat if he has more children how will he explain that away. Obviously to promote family feeling he would want the half siblings to meet.
She should accompany him - the child should learn it will soon have a step mother . My bet is the child thinks daddy is away on business and come home to play happy families.
That says it all - it isn't normal. Maybe he likes having 2 wives that's what it sounds like and why is he putting the feelings of his soon to be wife aside? Sh's silly to marry him until this situation is resolved.
At 4 the child is no longer a baby and I don't see how him doing this is helping the child. He is teaching the child that everything is rosy with mummy and daddy - family feeling - wat if he has more children how will he explain that away. Obviously to promote family feeling he would want the half siblings to meet.
She should accompany him - the child should learn it will soon have a step mother . My bet is the child thinks daddy is away on business and come home to play happy families.
From a psychological POV the healthiest relationships are often those where the couple are secure and independent enough to do their own thing a good deal of the time and enjoy each others company when they are together. "Families and How to Survive Them" by John Cleese and his psychiatrist explains this well, if you can still get a copy.
Justified or not, if your friend has no trust in her husband-to-be their relationship is doomed.
As far as children are concerned separated parents working together is not confusing. What damages children is high conflict and raising them in insecurity about their parentage and their heritage which leads to low self esteem, a weakened sense of self and weakened attachments - ultimately increasing the likelihood of dysfunctional relationships, teenage pregnancy, emotional ill-health, etc.
If there is a great distance then contact cannot be regular and it cannot be expected that a 4 year old will happily go away with someone they don't see on a regular basis. The only way Dad can develop a relationship with the child is with the Mother being present a good deal of the time initially. It is difficult enough for separated parents to work together for the benefit of the child without the dynamics of a third party being present. Once the child is old enough to spend several days with Dad will be time enough for your friend to be involved.
Justified or not, if your friend has no trust in her husband-to-be their relationship is doomed.
As far as children are concerned separated parents working together is not confusing. What damages children is high conflict and raising them in insecurity about their parentage and their heritage which leads to low self esteem, a weakened sense of self and weakened attachments - ultimately increasing the likelihood of dysfunctional relationships, teenage pregnancy, emotional ill-health, etc.
If there is a great distance then contact cannot be regular and it cannot be expected that a 4 year old will happily go away with someone they don't see on a regular basis. The only way Dad can develop a relationship with the child is with the Mother being present a good deal of the time initially. It is difficult enough for separated parents to work together for the benefit of the child without the dynamics of a third party being present. Once the child is old enough to spend several days with Dad will be time enough for your friend to be involved.
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