Teenager trouble

[willspal]

I have a 14 1/2 year old son who is so very lippy I could happily throttle him. I try v v hard not to get worked up with him but he is pushing me to the limits at the mo.

I have 2 other children (3 & 5) and its not good for them to hear his rudeness. It seems to start the second he opens his eyes in a morning until he finally shuts them again at night (hurray) I can't do anything right and I do everything wrong and I like to make his life as hard as possible (well according to him anyway)

I only have to knock on his bedroom door in a morning to get him out of bed and I am being met with abuse. I have tried leaving him but he would not get up and then storm around at the last minute being vile to the other 2 because he is late (my fault again)

I could have cried this morning, every day this week he has banged out of the door without a goodbye to anyone. My husband is working away Mon - Fri at the moment so its all down to me. I don't know what to do, shouting does not help (he shouts back louder) taking stuff away from him (not bothered) grounding him (he just gets in my way even more) and sitting down and just trying to talk to him results in lots of raised eyes and puffs of breath. Its getting to bad now to ignore but what the hell do you do.

WP

[caz21]

HI Willspal,

I have a brother exactly the same he is 17 now and is a complete little bu***r sometimes! He is constantley argueing, shouting with my mum and he can be really horrible, (unfortunately i think its because he has a lot of his dad in him and will probably always be like this in some way, which i feel sorry for him for because its not his fault his genes are the way they are, also feel sorry for future girlfriends too) he has been like this for years though and seems to be growing out of it slightly!

I think your son is going through that rebelious teen stage that seems to affect some kids this way its an awful situation to be in but all i can say is keep persevering with him and disciplining him too as he should eventually realise he cannot behave this way and you wont accept it! (sometimes the hardest thing to do but its the best thing) and he should grow out of it!

(I am not saying your son has it in his genes to be like he is though just that is why i think my bro is like he is! )

Good luck! xx

[devilwoman]

teenagers are so difficult arnt they? i know i've had 3 to deal with, perhaps sit him down have a chat and just ask why he trats u this way, dont get into an slanging match, make sure he knows that you love him and will always be there for him, if he's the oldest try giving him more resposibiliy in the house and treating him more as an equal instead of a child, asking his opinion more about where he would like to go for days out, ask his suggestions on decorating/ how to do things ect mighjt make him feel that he.s helping to look after you, also try to finnd out if theirs any problems at schoo, is he keeping up in class? any bullying ect? maybe during your husbands abscences you could turn this to your advange my letting him be the man of the house and letting him make decisions(to a certain extent) u never know you could turn out to be reslly good friends as well as mum and son. good luck, it may seem bad now but he will grow out of it one day.

[kazzianne]

Awww I really feel for you.My dayghter was exactly the same - infact she moved out last year aged 17 and try as I did she refused to come home,She even physically hit me in front of her friend - who looked mortified.

Have you sat your husband down and explained just how badly your son is misbehaving? Does he do this when his dad is around?

[satpam]

Hi, I can sympathise, I have son of very nearly 15 and he has Asperger's Syndrom. I too find it difficult to get him out of bed and have tried leaving him there, and yes it's my fault when we are late! apparently I'm the worse mother on the planet, I ruin his life, and he hates me. He constantly drives us to tears with his outbursts, there is no talking to him - even in the rare moments when he is calm and almost civilised. I see it as yet another phase we have to ride out( very much like a storm) I have no answers, I keep telling myself it's not him it's AS and those awful teenage hormones!!!!

Good Luck - wish I had a crystal ball or even better a magic wand.

when things get tough walk away, don't argue,

one thing I do do is quietly say to by boys ( the other is 13) that is not the way to speak to me, that's rude, that's unacceptable.

one good thing is I know they don't speak to other adults in the same way - so they are kicking out where they feel safe to do so- no help I know

Keep your pecker up

[andy-hughes]

You are engaged in a war of attrition, which you will not win, so time to change tactics.

Sit your son down, and explain that you are aware that he is becoming an adult, and you would like to treat him as one, so it's reasonable that he behaves as one. Explain that you don;t want a bad atmosphere between you, but it is up to him how bad the atmosphere gets.

Then lay down the simple rule - "Be nice, I'll be nice, be nasty, I'll be nastier."

Then, put it into action, on a sliding scale. When he is rude in the morning, ignore him completely. When he comes back, tell him calmly that you want an apology for the morning's behaviour, and you will not be providing any home comforts until he apologises.

That means - no food, no clean clothes, no clean bedding, no money, no conversation, NOTHINHG!

It is very hard for everyone at first, but if you enforcce it with an iron will, it will work.

The moment he apologises, give him a big hug, tell him you love him jist as much when he is nasty, as when he is nice, but you won;t have him treating you in this way, you don;t deserve it.

He will push the bondaries, you MUST BE FIRM, and don;t waver for a moment. He will get fed up before you do.

As soon as he's nice, lay on the treats, smiles, favours, etc., as soon as he's off on one, withdraw everything again - the messsage wil get through.

Respect has to be two-way - given, and earned. He will learn this lesson, but only if you teach it to him.

Good luck.

[mycats]

Great advice from Andy there (as usual lol). Can I just say, I was the teenage brat from hell ! Honestly It got so bad I went to live with a foster mum cause me and my mum couldnt live together anymore. I am now 29 (sob lol) and me and my mum are VERY close and I am ashamed of the way I treated her. This will pass hon honest x

[willspal]

Thank you everyone.

I had another chat last night with him last night and he was fine this morning BUT I know it will slip again.

I did hear about a friends daughter (13) who got seriously drunk last weekend and ended up in hospital so at least I have never had that. A mouthfull of cheek is the very worst I have had to date.

He is great at school and the head of Year commented that he had a lot of time for him so (as satpam) said at least he is not as vile at school.

I think I just find parenting 3 children alone all week a little tough going, once the younger 2 are in bed at 7pm I just want to sit and relax and this seems to be a time he wants to rub me up the wrong way.

He pushed me to the limits about wearing an expensive coat to school, I said NO and meant it 100% but what a battle that was. I can understand why parents give in for peace but I do have the ability to snd my ground when I have to/need to but I needed a will of iron for a week or so.

I am dreading the GCSE years. AGHHHHHHHHHHH

WP