ChatterBank3 mins ago
Lack Of Intimacy
51 Answers
Is talking to your partner about lack of intimacy in a relationship a strategy that produces a solution?
Or is it like trying to talk someone into liking cabbage?
Or is it like trying to talk someone into liking cabbage?
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Snaf, I posted a very similar question to yours some years ago here on AB. The replies I got were either in the vein of sqads excellent post, or were of the 'try to talk about it' variety.
I wished I had listened to the sqad type replies.
Bottom line is, you can talk all you want, you can wish for your situation to be different all you want but if your wife has gone of sex (ie, gone off you) theres very little you can do. Trust me, I tried for two years to save my relationship, followed all the advice, ie romantic dinners, telling her I loved her, gave her space etc. The MORE I gave the less I got back until in the end she dumped me. Reverse that situation and threaten to dump her, it might just make her consider what shes loseing.
I wished I had listened to the sqad type replies.
Bottom line is, you can talk all you want, you can wish for your situation to be different all you want but if your wife has gone of sex (ie, gone off you) theres very little you can do. Trust me, I tried for two years to save my relationship, followed all the advice, ie romantic dinners, telling her I loved her, gave her space etc. The MORE I gave the less I got back until in the end she dumped me. Reverse that situation and threaten to dump her, it might just make her consider what shes loseing.
youre not alone in your situation
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I wish my ex husband had been like you Snafu03, I admit I was often too tired for sex, purely that, not that I didn't particularly want it and I certainly hadn't gone off him. He awakened my desire as we talked about it and I didn't want to lose him as I wanted us 'back on track' too. However he left anyway and I discovered he had someone waiting in the wings for him. They are now married but are swingers so I guess I would never have been enough. My daughter hasn't seen him for years so he certainly didn't put being a father first.
Thanks pips, you have given me a bit more motivation to talk about it by sharing your experience and saying it was a positive move. Sorry it didn't work out in the long run, think swinging isn't really about intimacy, more about the raw physical side of it. One person is never going to be enough for someone of that mindset.
Sometimes, you can just get out of the habit of having sex, and one partner realises they haven't been intimate for quite a while. It can be embarrassing to bring it up to talk about, but you could just "get on with it".
On the other hand, I went off sex after I had my son, and any attempt at talking about it by my then partner was met with "shut up, I just want to sleep when I get into bed."
On the other hand, I went off sex after I had my son, and any attempt at talking about it by my then partner was met with "shut up, I just want to sleep when I get into bed."
Can I just stand up for the woman here? Men- have you ever felt no desire whatsoever to have sex? Maybe you've heard someone has died, or you have just had sex and have no desire to have it again. The completely hormone-less feeling? If you can imagine that, and then add on feeling tired and stressed and fat and self-conscious. Imagine feeling like that, and then imagine someone reminds you that they haven't had sex for ages. How would you react?
Remember that a man's sex drive is (very generally) like a kettle- fast to heat up, fast to boil. A women's is more like an iron- very slow to heat up, slow to reach capacity heat and slow to cool down. They are very different bits of equipment.
I have experience of this situation, and for me I found the conversation nothing but annoying; I felt like I was a container that he needed access to, and he was put out that I would not put out! In truth, looking back, I had gained weight (a lot) and felt like crap about myself. Also he had changed- he was spending a lot of time with what I can only describe as a cult, and I felt distanced from him, but didn't want to complain, as it is up to him what he did in his free time. I DID still fancy him, I just didn't have any desire to have sex, and felt REALLY guilty about it. Him mentioning it just made it worse. So we split up. I felt like a piece of meat, that our friendship could become null and void if I didn't 'give' him sex. He even suggested he go elsewhere, which made me instantly lose respect for him. Looking back now (this was 20 years ago) I still don't think there is a solution. BUT gentle cajoling is not the way to go. Has your partner gained weight? Is there anything you have been doing that annoys her, or that could have made her lose respect for you? What's changed? It could be that the love hormones have just run out (read about oxytocin) and she has stopped fancying you, and that's that. It's tough. I wonder if there is anyone else on AB who has personal experience of this, and who got their sex life back on track after a break?
Remember that a man's sex drive is (very generally) like a kettle- fast to heat up, fast to boil. A women's is more like an iron- very slow to heat up, slow to reach capacity heat and slow to cool down. They are very different bits of equipment.
I have experience of this situation, and for me I found the conversation nothing but annoying; I felt like I was a container that he needed access to, and he was put out that I would not put out! In truth, looking back, I had gained weight (a lot) and felt like crap about myself. Also he had changed- he was spending a lot of time with what I can only describe as a cult, and I felt distanced from him, but didn't want to complain, as it is up to him what he did in his free time. I DID still fancy him, I just didn't have any desire to have sex, and felt REALLY guilty about it. Him mentioning it just made it worse. So we split up. I felt like a piece of meat, that our friendship could become null and void if I didn't 'give' him sex. He even suggested he go elsewhere, which made me instantly lose respect for him. Looking back now (this was 20 years ago) I still don't think there is a solution. BUT gentle cajoling is not the way to go. Has your partner gained weight? Is there anything you have been doing that annoys her, or that could have made her lose respect for you? What's changed? It could be that the love hormones have just run out (read about oxytocin) and she has stopped fancying you, and that's that. It's tough. I wonder if there is anyone else on AB who has personal experience of this, and who got their sex life back on track after a break?
