my mother's death and a request she made

[kilkenny]

I have been on AB twice on the subject of my Mum's death and how it impacted on me and my children.

The simple fact is my mother died a year ago (1 July) and I still feel the hurt everyday and often have a bit of a weep.(not easy for a man in his 40's.)

I do wonder when this will pass. My wife says probably in time it will ease but that there is no harm in feeling the way I do. I would welcome comments.

Second point is that two months before my Mother died she told us that it hurt her everyday that she did not know where her stillborn daughter was buried. In 1964, at home, my mother gave birth but the baby daughter was dead. The midwife removed the baby and that was that. No counselling , no burial to attend, no mourning. Thank God we have moved on from those days.

My Mother's wish was that if we could track down where the baby was buried she would love some flowers to be placed or a headstone raised.

A bit of a tall order but can anyone on AB point me in the right direction on how I can track down my stillborn sister's burial place.

We lived in Romford Greater London at the time

Thank you

[redcrx]

Why shouldnt you cry for the loss of a loved one? Everyone deals with grief in different ways, there is no right or wrong. Just take each day as it comes and one day things may seem easier.

How awful that your mum was treated in that way over the loss of a child. Its hard to comprehend that things happened that way such a short time ago.

Have you contacted the local health care trust. Midwives records may go back that far or they may be able to advise you what the procedures were back then for such events.

I hope you managed to find the details as this may help your grieving process too as you will be doing something for your mum as well as yourself

[Pippa68]

Good advice from redcrx.

You weep as much as you need to! it stands to reason you will feel this incredible loss from day to day and no doubt the fact that your mothers wish is not yet fulfilled will contribute to your pain.

I hope you manage to find some way of locating your sister's final resting place. My mother doesn't know where her first child was buried...similar circumstances to your mother, and quite rightly things have changed now. She eventually planted a rose tree in which to remember her child by..small comfort, but still helped her in a little way.

Good luck & the best of wishes to you xx

[electricblue]

kilkenny,theres no time limit for grief,everyone is different,one day you'll wake up and the tears will cease,wanting to grant your mothers wish will keep the grief ongoing,and thats fine but i wish you every luck,and if there was anything i could help with,i would gladly do it,xxx

leccy!

[spudqueen]

I seem to remember something in the local paper about four years ago about a woman who had found where all these sort of babies were buried, I think it was in unmarked graves in a certain part of the cemetary. This was in Lancashire, the paper being the Lancashire Evening Post. I don't know if there's anyway you could get a copy of the article which may explain how she tracked the graves down.

[natalie_1982]

I'm really sorry to hear of your loss Kilkenny, and even sorrier to have to post the links I have found, as it is so sad.

http://www.show.scot.nhs.uk/scotorgrev/Documents/Project%20Sunshine%20%20slippery%20slope.pdf

http://64.233.161.104/search?q=cache:YEfzmO8aG_AJ:www.show.scot.nhs.uk/scotorgrev/Documents/Project%2520Sunshine%2520%2520slippery%2520slope.pdf+stillborn+baby+buried+1964&hl=en&gl=uk&ct=clnk&cd=1

They don't seem to be working that well so trying googling "Project Sunshine and the slipery slope" and go find (via Edit on toolbar) "Stillborn".

At least there may be a contact from that article who may be able to point you in the right direction

I have never lost a parent, let a lone my mother, so cannot imagine the pain you are going through and I wish you all the best in your search and in moving on in your life with your mother in your heart x x

[natalie_1982]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/south_east/4340709.stm

According to the above article (I know it is thewrong area) it may be worth contacting SANDS (Stillbrn and Neonatal Death Society) too.

http://www.uk-sands.org/

[lilacben]

Hi Kilkenny my heart go's out to you. No one can know the pain you go through in losing your mum, except for someone who is in the same postion. I lost my mum,she was only 69.16years ago and I still miss her . My dad was in an awful state without her and died five years later. For those five years I stayed strong for my dad and kept him going but once he was gone my grief was fullblown. Was made retired from work due to ill health( depression) and still on antidepressants now.Grief takes everyone at different times and I do not really think ever go's away.But the pain gets easier and memories are brighter ,tears fade into smiles.They are forever in your heart. Please never feel "you should be over it by now". Another thing with losing your mum or dad is that it is you that is next in line, and that is really scary. Good luck in looking for your sisters grave.

[smudge]

Hi kilkenny, I really do feel for you as I've lost both my parents & know the hurt you're feeling.

I can just imagine what your poor Mum went through too, as it also happened to my Mum way back in the 1940's.

She gave birth to a beautiful full term, but still born baby daughter & Mum was sedated as soon as it was realised her baby wasn't alive. When Mum woke up, her baby had been taken away - there was no funeral & she was never told what happened to her. Even though Mum went on to have more children, she never forgot the little daughter she gave birth to on the 22 May that year & never got to cuddle, but named her Annette. She & Dad tried so hard to find out what happened to her, but sadly never found out.

I do wish you luck in trying to find where your sister is buried, but if that isn't possible, perhaps you could place some flowers somewhere in a children's cemetary, which may make you feel better & that you've carried out your Mum's wish in the best possible way.

[puzzled54]

I can remember reading that such babies were put in coffins and buried with women who had died at around the same time. If that is true, at least you can feel that your sister was not left alone.

[smudge]

Morning puzzled - yes, that is what my Mum & Dad were told, but they never found out who their little daughter was buried with, or where.

Very, very sad to have to always wonder.....

[Hellion]

I'm so sorry for your loss Kilkenny - it seems as if you are unable to move on as you feel the need to complete your Mum's 'unfinished business' on her behalf. I hope some of the posts lead you to do that.

Why not gather your family together and have a memorial service for your baby sister it can either be private or home or speak to your local church. By acknowledging her death you will also be acknowledging her existence and it may allow both her and your mother to rest in peace in your heart.

[WendyS]

Kilkenny - don't be ashamed of admitting to the odd tearful phase. It's impossible to put a time limit on grief, and whilst your tears may feel a sign of weakness, in fact they are part of the slow healing process.

I regret I can't offer any help on how you you track down your mother's stillborn child. It may possibly have been cremated and have no permanent resting place. However, don't give up on the issue of a memorial. Perhaps if you can't find a burial place, you could arrange to plant a tree in her memory. Your local council might permit you to do this somewhere locally where you can watch ir growing, or I believe the Woodland Trust can offer facilities for a tree to be planted as a memorial at one of its woodland sites. That would be a living memorial that will last the test of time.