Clean Stand-Up Humour

[Dinapal]

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> Some people miss the old kind of (Yiddish) humour. Not a single swear word in their comic routines as shown below:
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> A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
> The man says, "I make a good living."
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> I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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> I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
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> Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
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> We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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> My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .
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> My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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> My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
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> The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
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> The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
> Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
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> Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor:
> "See! What did I tell you?"
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> A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?
> The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
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> Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"
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> A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.
> The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
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> A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?"
> "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
> The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
> She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
> The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
> The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
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> A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
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[Togo]

Jackie Mason was the master Dina.


I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

[Dinapal]

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play.
He asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

[Patsy33]

Always loved Yiddish humour! So dry. Thanks for the collection.

[Old_Geezer]

:-)

Wish I could remember jokes when at the pub (or other places).

[Dinapal]

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that "Won Ton" spelled backward is 'Not Now'.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Did you hear about the vagrant who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.'
She replied, 'Force yourself.'
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
Answer: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Morris was talking to his friend Sidney.
'Do you know,' he said, 'some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.'