Paddy And Murphy!

[Berniecuddles2]

Paddy and Murphy are at the airport queueing at the check-in at the beginning of their holiday.
"I wish I had bought the TV with me"says paddy
"Why's that said Murphy"
"Because the feckin tickets are on it"!

[DTCwordfan]

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus," said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is."

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see," said Paddy.

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy." replied Shamus.

"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.

"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".

Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".

[Tilly2]

Was that Aer Lingus?

[Tilly2]

Oh, I must learn to read properly!

[DTCwordfan]

could have been Ryan.....the situation over there is so bad that the autopilots aren't flying now.

[Tilly2]

Sound more like Connemara Airways!

[Patsy33]

You never know what's on the TV these days....

[jno]

nothing at all on TV, Patsy, that's why I'm on AB

[Patsy33]

Totally agree jno!

[tonyav]

Michael O' Leary goes to the bar



Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.



After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.



The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."



Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.



"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".



"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.



"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."



O'Leary scowled, but paid up.



He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."



"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".



Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".



"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat, sir".



O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."



O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".



"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."



O'Leary's face was red with rage.. "Do you know who I am?"



"Of course I do, Mr O'Leary."



"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"



"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".



"I will never use this bar again".



"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

[Shaglene]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen *** than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"