Funerals-is it a bad thing not too go?

[Rainbow]

Mt father died last year & I did not want to attend the funeral- I need not feel it necessary as I know he knew how how I felt & I am not someone to display my feelings publicily, I went in the end as I did not want to upset my family -is it wrong or bad not to attend the funeral of a loved one. I do & will always love my Dad. What are others views/experiences?

[j2buttonsw]

They are not pleasant but I think they serve a function other than "showing respect". I have found they really focus the mourning process and have felt relief having endured them. Sometimes strength in unity helps people at these kinds of occasions. Having said that, I don't think it is bad not to go but I think one is under enormous pressure to attend (which may be the altruistic thing to do).

[sft42]

not exactly the same but my father passed away a few years ago and the local clergy forced us into letting them conduct the sermon which wasn't what my father wanted at all......I felt as though I had let him down badly for ages.....i think you have to just do what seems right to cope with the loss and get on with life when you can....hope this helps.

[Pinotage]

Its an opportunity to meet others that knew and loved the deceased, and by talking about them you often hear stories about them that open up an entirely new facet on their life.

[sethjnr]

My Mom died suddenly in February 2001. I always said that I would never go to her funeral. Under pressure from my family I went. Although I was still in shock and broken hearted, I did get a great deal of comfort from meeting all her friends. My Mom had obviously talked to them a great deal about us and some of them told me things I had to do now she had gone. I'll always be relieved that I did go and say 'goodbye' to her one last time. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' in attending a funeral or not, its up to you at the time and how much support you have.

[coemgen]

My mum died 9 years ago, not one person spole to me as I don't think they knew what to say, I ahd my 9 month old son with me and had brought a friend for moral support, my sister was angry because that meant that the seating was not orderly so I had to sit near the back of the church.I was also caught in a row between my dad and my grandmother as my gran reckoned the wake should be held at my dad's house and my dad wanted nothing to do with it as he was understandably too upset to worry about sandwiches and chesecakes, and entertaining people he hadn't seen in years. To top it all off, my family were disgusted with me as I didn't cry at the funeral, so this obviously meant that I didn't care about my mum. I wish I had stayed at home.

[andy hughes]

coemgen' answer notwithstanding (the moral high ground must be very crowded in your family!) i would agree with the previous responses - funerals are a valid part of the grieving process, they help to draw a line under the death and loss, as well as gathering similarly suffering people together. That said, I would never condone anyone being pressured into attending if they didn't wish to do so. Grieiving is a personal concept, and just because you don't cry in public, or attend, does not in any way negate your loss or grief, or the validity of your actions. It should be down to any individual, and family and friends should respect their choices, what ever they may be.

[woodpam]

I think in these circumstances you have one chance to attend the funeral and no opportunity to change your mind, however much you may regret your decision, if you don't go. If you can go with an open and gracious heart to support your family, kiss Aunties, grieve together, pass the sandwiches round and show love for each other it can only be a good thing. If you can accept that nobody is perfect and that some people react badly to stressful situations but behave yourself in such a way that if your dad was standing there watching he would be proud of you, you've done your best. My dad died yesterday and I send a virtual hug to those of you still feeling their own personal pain.

[Rainbow]

Thanks for all your answers, woodpam, I am very sorry to hear your news. My thoughts are with you.

[PrincessAli]

i went to my dads, it was the week before my 18th so didnt feel like going but i did. Its never an easy thing to do, especially whenn its a parent, but i think ya should go out of respect. Didnt want to see his body but felt i had to go to the funeral or would regret it.