Step children

[andrewlee]

I'm about to remarry, and my fiancee has 2 kids from her previous marriage.

The children are 8 and 12, and we all get on well together.

When we find a house, I imagine there will be various tensions that will need to be dealt with, particularly regarding family "rules" etc. I have never seen myself as a particularly assertive person, yet I guess this is a role I will have to get used to.

Has anyone any experience, tips, recommended reading matter etc?

Thanks

[noxlumos]

I wouldn't go being assertive if I were you lol.
If at all possible best to observe and merge with the level of rules and discipline that their mother already has in place, obviously without feeling you have no part. input constructively rather than negatively to start with to give the kids a chance just to get used to the new dynamics and ask the kids opinions on house "rules" if you must set them so that they are part of the decision making process and don't feel shoved out or disempowered.
Both my wife and I already had kids and we all had to just get stuck in and sort it out in the end but it wasn't stressful because we all gave each other sufficient space and respect to find our places in our new family.Good luck:)

[spanner7853]

Hi congrats on your forthcoming marriage. I myself got married this year again and my new husband took on my children aged 12 and 9, so not far from the children you take on. I think as long as you have ground rules with regards to discipline etc you should be ok. talk to your fiancee and see how she feels about you telling the children off if you need to as she may want to deal with this herself. if she makes a decision stick by her with it and dont change the rules. Obviously you may get the 'your not my dad you cant tell me what to do' routine .mine do this very occasionally but i point out that while we all live together as a new family they will abide by our rules. good luck and keep calm. make sure you sit down to dinner every day and talk about what they've been upto at school. I find this the best part of the day even if they say they didnt do anything exciting.
xx

Also good on you for taking on someone elses children, it's always very hard but it gets better.

[andrewlee]

Thank you both for your wise words

[andy-hughes]

I am a step-dad, my daughters were six and four when we met, and twelvve and ten when we married.

The golden rule is the same as for biological parents - present a united front. All children try and play the 'soft' parent off against the disciplinarian, and as the step-parent, of necessity, this will be you.

You must agree in advance to back each other up in front of the children, even if either of you thinks a discipline decision is harsh - discuss it afterwards when they are out of ear shot. That can apply just as much to your wife - no-one is perfect in this matters.

Consistency is the root of good discipline - once the children know that if you say 'No', it's pointless asking mum, because she is guarenteed to say the same, then you have a consistent message. If you weaken, the children will expolit your wekness, not because they are scheming or evil, but because that is what children do.

Watch how your wife handles things, and follow her lead, but ever ever side with the children against her, or allow her to do it to you.

Follow that simple rule and everything will be fine - my oldrest girls are thirty-one and twenty-nine and we have another seventeeh-year-old daughter as well. It's not always easy, but it is always worth it.

Remember, love and respect don't come as a package, with birth, or step children, give them, and you'll receive them.

Good luck!

[Pippa68]

Wise words indeed from the above! nothing further to add, but andy touched on a very important point ~ the same rules apply if the kids are stepchildren or biological.

I am a step parent & so is Mr Pippa. It can be tough, but I would say no more tough than if they were your own in many ways.

Good luck on your journey :o)