Elderly Mum Seeking Attention?

[peachybabe]

Hiya. Got a bit of a problem which I want to run past you all. My Mum often complains about things being done/vandalised in her garden. Well, she told me about someone having ripped up some plants from a pot on her patio and that they had been thrown over onto Her next door neighbour’s patio. The next day when she told me about it, I ran down there and retrieved the little cctv camera that I put up in her kitchen window a while ago to catch anyone that was doing all the horrible things. Mum has been most insistent over the last few days that there was problems with the camer, that she didn’t think it was worth watching as it wouldn’t have got anything, etc. I have managed to download footage from the camera on the date in question, time and date stamped. (You probably already know where this is going!). Yep, caught her on camera just before 9pm ripping up her own plants and throwing them into her neighbours! Unfortunately it’s as clear as day because the outside light went on when she went out there and there’s a beautiful full face shot as she comes back in! What do I do???

She’s 83, and I took early retirement a year ago to help her out. I take her out at least 4 times a week, and my calendar is filled not with my appointments, but hers. Doctors, opticians, clinics, hospital, hair salon, etc.

[peachybabe]

Thank you jackdaw! That brought a smile to my face! Mum doesn’t drink. Otherwise I would take her a bottle every day in the hope that it would make her more amenable!

[Gill1941]

I am the same age as Hellywelly and, also, would not ask anyone to do anything that I can manage myself. Which, fortunately, is most things including gardening in spite of being on crutches for 13 months. I have finally got a date for my hip operation next week. Even when I come out of hospital I will cope alone. A lot depends on the mindset of the individual. I have always been very independent. I have good neighbours who often say they will get or do things but know me well enough to know I will do it myself. Also have my son about 20 miles away. So I know help is there if needed which is good.

[DarceyK123]

Peachy, I feel you pain. When I read your thread I felt I could have written it.

Won't hijack your thread with details but just to I know exactly how you feel.

[ferlew]

Commiserations Peachy, had that with my mum too.
She was so nasty and spiteful, and not just towards the end of her life when admittedly she DID have dementia. She also never had a good word for anyone, and the only times my siblings and I have fallen out is when she has come between us, A said this about you, F said that about you and so on.
Latterly I went to hers every day to clean, get her lunch, make her tea and do any errands. She did things like writing "Strychnine" on the sugar bowl, (she didn't take sugar and I did), she would somehow wet the bottoms of paper packages, such as sugar, flour, soap powder etc. Of course when I picked them up the contents fell out.
She used to tell my son one thing, and me the opposite, leading to my son thinking for a while I was being mean to her requests, one major one being that she asked me to take her back to Yorkshire as she wanted to finish her days there, and days before the move (we moved too) she told my son I had bullied her into moving and she didn't want to go.
Sorry, just realised I am rambling a bit, haven't had these thoughts for ages.
Just know you are not the only one, and no matter what you do it will probably never be enough for her.
Sorry for your pain.

[Old_Geezer]

Is she sleepwalking/sleepvandalising ?

Showing the evidence must be a good starting point, but only to as the precursor to a caring discussion on what the underlying issue is.

Maybe it is an indication of dementia kicking in. I don't think I'd wish to rush straight into the, she's just being awkward and I'm being imposed on, evaluation.

[murraymints]

I had a bit of this too when dad passed away..I gave mum my entire time and life trying to console /keep her amused/happy etc.. my health, my home and garden , my finances all took a battering as well as my own relationship did in attempting to give her a quality of life without dad... the situation was taken out of my hands in an underhand manner by siblings and I feel totally betrayed by her now... as the only person who had been around for both my parents for the preceding 15 years...I have been totally kicked in the teeth... no thanks at all no appreciation quite the opposite..I would step back now before you suffer the same...

[woofgang]

OG, The OP has said her Mum has been nasty all her life.....

[jennyjoan]

Murray - what can she she do since the mother is dependent on her - she just can't up sticks and run - the OP's conscious wouldn't let her.

[jennyjoan]

^^^ should be conscience - is that right LOL

[ladybirder]

I think I'd have a word with Social Services or Age UK and see what they say. They must come across this a lot and may be able to help and guide you on the best way to handle the situation. Nothing to lose by calling them:-)

[murraymints]

Conne she isn't dependant on her..she lives in a part sheltered accommodation and can function perfectly well without peachy

[jennyjoan]

ok Minty - there's all kinds of mixes there. good luck peachy


////Otherwise I would take her a bottle every day in the hope that it would make her more amenable! ///

Otherwise I would take her a bottle every day and hit her on the head. Just kidding Peachy

As somebody said there - step back a bit - don't go around as much - let her miss you for some time and let her ring you

[peachybabe]

Update. Gently confronted Mum this afternoon. Asked what was wrong and why she felt the need to vandalise her garden, etc. Got the expected response. Not me. Didn’t do it. Why are you picking on me? Might as well take all my tablets.........etc.
Usual pass the blame. All my fault. Rolling eyes and pursed lips.
Nothing will ever change.

[hellywelly4]

I can't get you out of my mind. Is there a manager/warden on her housing scheme? Would he/she talk to you? I can't understand why you go to see her four times a week. She goes for coffee to her neighbours so she can't be too lonely. I'm worried that you will crack up eventually. Could you speak to your own doctor? Please take time to look after yourself - your mother will be ok, she will. I don't think any of the residents on my scheme see their children much more than once a week, if that, as some of them live too far away, my own included. Sending a hug, you need it!! xxxx

[peachybabe]

Oh hellywelly4! That’s so kind! Thank you!

I know that in many ways it’s my own fault. I should just step back, but my continence won’t let me.

Mum is manipulative and spiteful. I know that, so I am going in with both eyes open. She always plays the victim, and I told her that yesterday. I have in the past been very angry with her to her face, but again, not yesterday. I forced myself to be very calm and kind, but still got a venemous response! She’ll never change!

I must admit that all this has made me feel awful, but I keep telling myself that she won’t be around forever and she is my Mum after all.

My sister is just like her, and I’ve not wanted or had contact with her for the last five years. Brother is in America and doesn’t much care as he doesn’t have to deal with it.

Never mind. I’m a survivor. I’ll survive this and more. It’s only “words” at the end of the day.

Rant over and thank you!

[johnny.5]

peachybabe

this is truly a very emotional situation not just for me but I expect even more so for you and a lot of others
why not start a blog ( don't ask me how)
but It seems there are an awful lot of people in your situation or have been in it.
and if I was in that situation I would love to come onto a site with people in similar situations and share their feelings and vent their anger anonymously (or not) between like minded souls
please let me know how it goes on will be interested as will others on here
best of luck

[Jackdaw33]

My father died when I was 28 and still living at home. My mother then became so clinging and demanding that it was a nightmare, so much so that after 8 years I had to move out and get my own place, only to be branded one of the most ungrateful sons of bitches there ever was.

[david small]

Peachy, I feel for you,I empathise with your situation.
As Shakespeare said “ thus conscience doth make cowards of us all”
Trapped by your own moral standards.
You make them, you can break them. Walk away, head held high. You’ve tried, she’s lied. Give up, be kind to yourself. Look at poor Minty,I did not know she had suffered so, bless her. Kindness being abused is an old storyline, it’s time for you to close this tale of woes.
Go for the happy ending. Stop being the victim, stop enabling her. Leave her be. Good luck and strength.