I Really Dislike My 25 Year Old Daughters Boyfriend, It's Tearing Me Apart, Some Advice Please!

[kazza55]

Our daughter is 25. She's very bright, intelligent, hard working and has always been a kind and loving daughter. She's also extremely attractive and fun to be with. She left home a year after finishing University, found herself a good job, learned to drive. She's been with her current boyfriend for 2 years now. He's 28 and was broke and living with his parents when they met. We were not impressed when we first met him although he's not a bad person and is quite friendly, and polite, there's no conversation unless its about football, eating and drinking. He's never asked us any questions about ourselves or shown much interest. He's never read a book in his life and has no qualifications or skills. It gets very boring, he's always looking at his phone,even at the table, and we have since realized that he gambles frequently, but we don't know how much. They have no mutual friends either.
We tried to make him welcome in our home, as they're a couple. My husband says that I'll just have to accept the situation, although he doesn't know what she sees in him either.
Our daughter has been subsidising him from the start of their relationship. Her boyfriend had taken out a large payday loan when he started his new job. He moved in with her a couple of months after they started seeing each other and we wondered why they never had any spare money and were scrimping and scraping. At the time she was paying nearly all the bills. He never helped much around the house, never once even mowed the lawn. I was angry, but didn't say much because she seemed really happy.
They're still together and want to rent a nice house between them and say that they are about to start saving up together.
Our daughter now works two jobs in order to buy herself some clothes,etc. and be able to save faster. She drives him to work and back every day (some 200 miles a month) He could quite easily get the bus. To his credit, her boyfriend does help out a bit more as she's working between 60 -70 hours a week now! My husband says that its up to her, as they're a couple and it's none of our business, but I think he's a lazy, useless, ignorant taker. If anything goes wrong with the car, etc. she has to sort it herself. He's never to my knowledge bought anything for the rooms that they've shared. She owes money on her credit card now and pays all the running of the car.
Her boyfriend has made little jokes and mentions them getting engaged in the future and stuff like that when we're with them. I can't make out if he's serious, or is just winding me up. I just ignore it. I did tell our daughter once that I thought she was trying to polish a turd and I didn't think that they were suited, but we've still fed them and made him welcome when she comes to visit, we've taken them out for lunches, dinner on special occasions and they've come for Xmas day too.
We recently took them away for a few days. It was for our daughter's benefit really, we wanted to spoil her and spend some time together as we were going away anyway. (I was worried, as she is starting to look haggard and has dark circles under her eyes.) Her boyfriend was ok, we got along fairly well. We were a bit annoyed that he didn't offer to buy us a drink, ice cream or anything. There's always an excuse. Our daughter would give you her last penny, but we were hoping that he'd offer to open his wallet for once, he earns good money, but has never, ever bought us so much as a cup of tea. We don't do things in order to get something back in return, we're not like that.
I'ts now come to the point where I can't stand the sight of him and I've got no respect. My husband says that we risk alienating our daughter, but I found out that he'd gambled as usual while she was slaving in her second job.I'm beginning to think that he has a gambling problem. Do I mind my own business? Do I voice my concerns to her? I don't want him in my home anymore, it's tearing me apart, I feel like she's wasting her youth on this lame duck.

[naomi24]

I doubt she'd listen to you - but voicing your concerns might make you feel better - even though there is a chance that you'll alienate her. I think the problem most loving parents have is that their children, regardless of their age, are always their children. If trying to reason with her doesn’t work I think you’ll just have to concede that it is her life and you can't make her do what she doesn't want to do even though you feel it's for her own good. The other thing, if she won't listen to you now console yourself with the thought that perhaps in the future she'll draw similar conclusions and present him with the order of the boot. You never know. Try not to fall out with her and tell her you love her. I wish you – and her - well. x

[Eleena]

From what Kazza has said about him, he's not someone I'd be happy for my daughter to be with either.

[dunnitall]

kazza55....totally agree with your feelings,especially at 16:46 today. It's your house, your life why should some person boyfriend of you child or whatever, spoil everything. Okay you don't like what's happening that is as it should be. Why conform to something that you cannot swallow? However it is her choice....unpalatable as it is(it would be for me too if it were my daughter) you still have your views which are valid to you.

I doubt if your daughter would keep her thoughts to herself if boot was on other foot and she saw the affect someone was having on your life! It's entirely up to you if you voice your opinion...good or bad. I'm the sort who would say what I feel..heart on sleeve.... And maybe even if offended my daughter one day might see sense.

No one should have to compromise to suit another person. Be your own master....good or bad we all have opinions just some suck up to others whoever they maybe just to keep in. Two faced or what? IMO I have said how I would be...only you can choose....good luck and congrats on keeping the faith....your belief.

[Eleena]

Naomi, I agree.

[Eleena]

Kazza,
you don't sense he's controlling do you?

[Canary42]

He sounds a total loser to me, BUT he [is] your daughter's choice. Only she can decide whether to stay or go. Any comment from you will more likely have the opposite effect (see Naomi's post, lots of common sense there).

Why don't you suggest that you go to them for Xmas (or are other family involved).

Good luck.

[kazza55]

No I don't reckon he's controlling. I don't think he's got the brains!
Our daughter visits all her friends whenever she wants to. Not that she has any time for that now. She's at work nearly every evening as well as her full time day job. We couldn't visit at Xmas because they have a small room in a shared flat. There's nowhere to sit.
I did tell her privately what I thought of him once though, I thought afterwards that she'd be livid with me but she just shrugged it off and said she couldn't just dump him because he was lazy.
He is a total loser, I agree. Won't put himself out, too much like hard work. Grrrrr

[Canary42]

Hmmmm, perhaps (like manyu women) she thinks when they're married she can change him.

Was it Oscar Wilde who said,"Women think their men will change after marriage. The tragedy is they don't. Men think their women won't change after marriage. The tragedy is they do"

[Barmaid]

I have been that daughter. But in (i am pleased to say) in my perception a far worse situation.

IF my mother had raised it with me, it would not have worked and may have temporarily damaged our wonderful relationship.

She stood (almost silently by) and watched. And gritted her teeth.

When it all went wrong she was there absolutely.

It may work and he will grow on you.

It may not, so be there.

She's lucky to have a parent like you.

[rockyracoon]

Gawd, it's not in me not to say something. Maybe another perspective might make her see reason and open her eyes to the peetaker that he is.

The short arms, long pockets wouldn't go down well, either.

[rockyracoon]

I'm having palpitations now, praying that my kids don't bring home horrors.

[david small]

I would directly confront him about his gambling and his idleness regarding your daughter. Give him a choice to shape up or hurt the one he supposedly cares about. My youngest daughter met and married a bad un. We could all see the inevitable consequences except her. He ruined her life and then scarpered. It’s your chance to save her years of struggling.

[kazza55]

Yes, theres always been some excuse when we’re around. His bank card was damaged in the washer/dryer, so he had no money. He forgot his wallet, etc, I know for a fact that our daughter buys all the Xmas presents for everyone herself with her money. I don’t think he coughs up much. It’s not about the money, as long as he treats her right, but he’s just an embarrassment at times. We took them out to a nice restaurant once one afternoon and he said he had a runny nose. I was about to fish in my bag for a clean tissue to give him, but I was too late, he’d blown his nose on his fabric napkin. I was mortified and told him so. I was praying that nobody had seen him do it. That’s the sort of idiot he is.
Thanks to every one of you for sharing your thoughts with me. I’ll let you know how things go.

[BagPussAA]

You have to keep your opinions to yourself. I know its hard but you have to let her make her own mistakes and pick up the pieces when she comes to her senses. My mum didnt do that with my brother. She hates my SIL and told him so. They havent spoken to each other in over 14 years now. Dont interfere in her life.

[hazydaisy]

Why do you dislike him?
What are his faults?

[-SharonA-]

Daisy!!!! Haven't you been reading? He is the boyfriend from hell.

[Mamyalynne]

With respect, he's Kazza's daughter's boyfriend - not hers.

[jennyjoan]

No one knows what way things pan in life.

My brother went with a girl/woman for about 11 years and my mother did not like her - guess what happened. The relationship between brother and girlfriend sorta fizzled and girlfriend became my mother's best friend and my and my sista's friend too. Nobody would believe it.

Que sera sera