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I Don't Know What To Do Anymore
40 Answers
Apologies, this is going to be quite long-winded.....
Since we split up over 4 years ago my sons dad and I have mostly been on good terms although we still argue over many things. He runs an ironing service and his work is evening deliveries and pick ups usually from 7pm till any time after 10. My son goes to stay with him every other weekend - I live in Croydon, South London, and he lives near Southend-on-Sea.
He picks him up on a Friday night but often doesn't get here till gone 11pm so I wait up till gone 12am to check they have arrived at his safely. We have had many arguments over this arrangement given that our son is 8 years old and this has been going on since he was 4. I have asked him to come and pick him up after school so they have plenty of time to get home but he refuses to do so. On one occasion he didn't get to my house until gone 12am and I couldn't get through to him on his mobile till gone 2am to check they'd arrived because he was chatting to someone else! I was fuming.
Anyway, Little Tigs went to his dads last weekend and he brought him home on Sunday evening quite late. He had a week off work this week due to his ironers being on holiday at the same time so I asked him to stay Sunday night and we could take our son to school and pick him up after school together which he again refused and then drove back home. He said he would come up Friday (yesterday) to come and pick him up from school with me and would let me know by Thursday. I never got any calls and still haven't heard from him. He had the whole week to come up but never did.
Little Tigs has been going to the same school since he started Reception and his dad has never stepped foot in the school or met any of his teachers. He has never helped me through Little Tigs' autism diagnosis and never been there to support me with the problems we've had at school prior to the diagnosis paperwork being submitted. He gave me a load of questions to ask the teachers and the SENCO but was never there to help deal with the situation.
I've been asking him to help with home-learning as well but he refuses saying that he only has him every other weekend and just wants to do fun things with him which is understandable so I've been doing it all myself with some help from my mum.
I appreciate he lives miles away and accepted that he won't always be there to help me deal with the rough times but him not coming down on his week off has just pushed me to my limits. I would've taken Little Tigs to visit his dad by train as I don't like driving through London or on motorways but he said no to this as well.
I fell so much anger towards him at the moment and I wish I didn't.
Am I doing something wrong here? The travel distance between us is a huge factor and I understand that he doesn't always want to drive but refused Little Tigs and myself from getting the train to his. He lives with his mother who is on holiday in Cornwall for a few weeks so would've have been an ideal opportunity to visit.
Since we split up over 4 years ago my sons dad and I have mostly been on good terms although we still argue over many things. He runs an ironing service and his work is evening deliveries and pick ups usually from 7pm till any time after 10. My son goes to stay with him every other weekend - I live in Croydon, South London, and he lives near Southend-on-Sea.
He picks him up on a Friday night but often doesn't get here till gone 11pm so I wait up till gone 12am to check they have arrived at his safely. We have had many arguments over this arrangement given that our son is 8 years old and this has been going on since he was 4. I have asked him to come and pick him up after school so they have plenty of time to get home but he refuses to do so. On one occasion he didn't get to my house until gone 12am and I couldn't get through to him on his mobile till gone 2am to check they'd arrived because he was chatting to someone else! I was fuming.
Anyway, Little Tigs went to his dads last weekend and he brought him home on Sunday evening quite late. He had a week off work this week due to his ironers being on holiday at the same time so I asked him to stay Sunday night and we could take our son to school and pick him up after school together which he again refused and then drove back home. He said he would come up Friday (yesterday) to come and pick him up from school with me and would let me know by Thursday. I never got any calls and still haven't heard from him. He had the whole week to come up but never did.
Little Tigs has been going to the same school since he started Reception and his dad has never stepped foot in the school or met any of his teachers. He has never helped me through Little Tigs' autism diagnosis and never been there to support me with the problems we've had at school prior to the diagnosis paperwork being submitted. He gave me a load of questions to ask the teachers and the SENCO but was never there to help deal with the situation.
I've been asking him to help with home-learning as well but he refuses saying that he only has him every other weekend and just wants to do fun things with him which is understandable so I've been doing it all myself with some help from my mum.
I appreciate he lives miles away and accepted that he won't always be there to help me deal with the rough times but him not coming down on his week off has just pushed me to my limits. I would've taken Little Tigs to visit his dad by train as I don't like driving through London or on motorways but he said no to this as well.
I fell so much anger towards him at the moment and I wish I didn't.
Am I doing something wrong here? The travel distance between us is a huge factor and I understand that he doesn't always want to drive but refused Little Tigs and myself from getting the train to his. He lives with his mother who is on holiday in Cornwall for a few weeks so would've have been an ideal opportunity to visit.
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We've had rows about his lateness when picking Little Tigs up and he knows the effect that has on him but it falls on deaf ears and he just says the Little Tigs will be fine.
When he brings him home late night it often effects Little Tigs at school on the Monday but again this just goes over his head.
When he brings him home late night it often effects Little Tigs at school on the Monday but again this just goes over his head.
I think he already senses the stress his dad causes me. We just go round and round in circles with the Friday night issue and Lil Tigs often just wants to got to sleep but he can't. He sometimes falls asleep on the journey there but it is just disturbed sleep. The routine goes out the window when he goes there and I have to get it back to normal when he returns.
I don't have a choice no matter how stressed and anxious it makes me feel. I have to keep it together for lil Tigs even though I feel so depressed.
I don't have a choice no matter how stressed and anxious it makes me feel. I have to keep it together for lil Tigs even though I feel so depressed.
I’m afraid my advice is a bit less compromising and a little more forthright.
“…and just wants to do fun things with him which is understandable”
I’m sure you’d like to just do the “fun things” as well. Unfortunately you can’t. You have to get him to school, feed him, clothe him, tend to him when he is unwell, all the things that being a responsible parent entails.
“He says that because he works for a few hours in the evening he doesn't have to go to bed until around 3 or 4 in the morning”
“His time management is appalling and he seems to waste a lot of time when he should be doing things. He faffs around a lot.”
He’s lucky to have the luxury of being able to stay up into the early hours and to “faff around”.
“…keep the communication going for your son, while he needs his father.”
But:
“Lil Tigs often just wants to got to sleep but he can't. He sometimes falls asleep on the journey there but it is just disturbed sleep. The routine goes out the window when he goes there and I have to get it back to normal when he returns.”
From what you’ve written it seems Lil Tiggs would be far better off without him. His life is being disrupted and so is yours in order to indulge a man who is behaving worse than your child is.
So (deep breath) stop all this business, no more visits. That will leave daddy with a bit more time to faff around and to contemplate that his requirements are by no means paramount in all of this. Meantime you can concentrate your efforts on weaning Lil Tiggs off his father’s company and restoring his routine. Leave daddy to his new girlfriend(s) (to whom, unsurprisingly, he does not want to commit). Let him take you to court if he wants access to his son. If that is agreed it will be under proper conditions and will not entail him driving your son from Croydon to Essex in the middle of the night. From what you say of him I doubt he’ll organise himself to do any such thing as he will have to desist from faffing around to get it sorted.
You and Lil Tiggs will be far better off in the long run.
“…and just wants to do fun things with him which is understandable”
I’m sure you’d like to just do the “fun things” as well. Unfortunately you can’t. You have to get him to school, feed him, clothe him, tend to him when he is unwell, all the things that being a responsible parent entails.
“He says that because he works for a few hours in the evening he doesn't have to go to bed until around 3 or 4 in the morning”
“His time management is appalling and he seems to waste a lot of time when he should be doing things. He faffs around a lot.”
He’s lucky to have the luxury of being able to stay up into the early hours and to “faff around”.
“…keep the communication going for your son, while he needs his father.”
But:
“Lil Tigs often just wants to got to sleep but he can't. He sometimes falls asleep on the journey there but it is just disturbed sleep. The routine goes out the window when he goes there and I have to get it back to normal when he returns.”
From what you’ve written it seems Lil Tiggs would be far better off without him. His life is being disrupted and so is yours in order to indulge a man who is behaving worse than your child is.
So (deep breath) stop all this business, no more visits. That will leave daddy with a bit more time to faff around and to contemplate that his requirements are by no means paramount in all of this. Meantime you can concentrate your efforts on weaning Lil Tiggs off his father’s company and restoring his routine. Leave daddy to his new girlfriend(s) (to whom, unsurprisingly, he does not want to commit). Let him take you to court if he wants access to his son. If that is agreed it will be under proper conditions and will not entail him driving your son from Croydon to Essex in the middle of the night. From what you say of him I doubt he’ll organise himself to do any such thing as he will have to desist from faffing around to get it sorted.
You and Lil Tiggs will be far better off in the long run.
I was just about to post what NJ says. have you got anyone social or medical who supports you and LT because of his autism? I am thinking when you are feeling calm, it might be a good idea to have a word with someone "official" who is on your son's and your side as it were, or ast least neutral so that if the poo hits the fan and dad gets difficult, you will have planted your flag so to speak. Write a diary of latenesses, non arrival, requests refused and so on and keep it up to date, save texts and so on and make a note of conversations, then when you have got it all sorted and identified who you can chat to, go to them and express concern over what his father's behaviour is doing to your son, and to you, but focus on LT. Say that you have gone to lengths to maintain the contact but its getting too much to handle and so on. Present your self as the loving and concerned Mum that you are.
I am seriously considering what you have mentioned NJ.
Tambo, I know you mean well but I have to think about my sons welfare and his schooling etc. One parent needs to be the adult here and it boils down to me.
Yes, I would like to do fun things with him and we did some nice stuff during summer. I took him to Legoland and we had other days out.
I posted a thread earlier on in the year about his dad booking a holiday which meant that Lil Tigs missed the Monday after half term back at school. I demanded that he take responsibility and notify the school about it but he again refused and said that he would call and report him as being sick on the day! The caused me a lot of anxiety at the time.
Tambo, I know you mean well but I have to think about my sons welfare and his schooling etc. One parent needs to be the adult here and it boils down to me.
Yes, I would like to do fun things with him and we did some nice stuff during summer. I took him to Legoland and we had other days out.
I posted a thread earlier on in the year about his dad booking a holiday which meant that Lil Tigs missed the Monday after half term back at school. I demanded that he take responsibility and notify the school about it but he again refused and said that he would call and report him as being sick on the day! The caused me a lot of anxiety at the time.
Forgot to mention that during school holidays Lil Tigs goes to stay with his dad for 1 week at a time. Whilst there Lil Tigs tells me that he doesn't go to bed till very late. I know its the holidays but I think you still have to have some sort of night time routine for a child his age. Is 11pm a reasonable time to go to bed?
I know I should, Woof. I need to seek advise on how I go about doing this as it will probably end up in court action.
One of the reasons I have kept this situation to myself is because I didn't want to be accused of badmouthing him on here or any other social outlet but I am being driven to despair and haven't really got anyone to turn to. I don't want to get my parents involved as my mother is prone to having mental breakdowns and I don't want to trigger another one.
One of the reasons I have kept this situation to myself is because I didn't want to be accused of badmouthing him on here or any other social outlet but I am being driven to despair and haven't really got anyone to turn to. I don't want to get my parents involved as my mother is prone to having mental breakdowns and I don't want to trigger another one.
well you have said what has happened from your point of view but I don't see any badmouthing, just a request for advice. As I said if you or LT are already getting social or medical support then its a good place to start as they will already know you and LT. It won't be the first time they have heard similar and will be able to point you in the right direction. You may have to go through mediation before the courts, I don't know what the routine is and it won't be fast. You should also find out what you should be doing and what will happen so that when you do kick it off, you will feel in control.
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