I Have Just Opened

[marval]

I have just opened an off licence. Technically, it is breaking and entering but I needed a drink.

A pretty woman at the job centre said she’d like to offer me a tug job. So I dropped my pants there and then which subsequently got me arrested. Apparently tugs are also types of boats.

Some people call me a reluctant consumer, but I don’t buy it.

Lonely man has car for sale. Low Mileage. Drives lovely. Time wasters welcome.

As a manager, I tell all my employees to go the extra mile when they are working. They are not doing a good job though; already my taxi company has had over 300 complaints.

I need to master the art of patience, quickly

It’s my job to bring home the bacon in our house. I work in a butchers

Ironically, the Hairdressers Union are against cuts

I have just read my local newspaper. It had stories about snails, slugs and tortoises. Must be a slow news day.

I often attend eavesdrop anonymous. Not that they know.

[Patsy33]

Lol...

[BANANASPLITS]

Lol gooduns marval

[retrocop]

I know that woman at the job centre. Her name is Annie.

[Ken4155]

A tug job was one of 'Sangar Sandra's' specialities during the mid 70s in Belfast. She used to visit every day, doing her bit for the cause. Lovely lass :-)

[retrocop]

I understand her daughter was in Iraq during Desert Storm.'Sandbag Sandy' :-)

[1ozzy]

I organised a help group for men suffering erectile dysfunction.

What flop that turned out to be.

[BANANASPLITS]

No one came then ozzy ;-)

[Ken4155]

Like mother, like daughter, then, retro. :-)

[1ozzy]

I attend a help group for people addicted to plastic surgery, the numbers aren't increasing but there are always new faces arriving.

[Ken4155]

Bananasplits; "No-one came then, ozzy"

Bathers only, banana, no swimmers allowed.

[BANANASPLITS]

Cant beat front stroke ken

[Ken4155]

You hinted your preference for breast-stroke on another thread, banana. Make yer mind up :-)

[zebo]

We're not allowed to say 'bring home the bacon' in case it insults the vegan militant tendency, apparently there's some meat free version of the saying.

[Ken4155]

Zebo, bringing home the fart food, doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

[Old_Geezer]

A couple of those were very good. Wish I had a better memory.