Adopted Children's Feelings Towards Birth Mothers

[clarejoanne]

I have recently traced my Birth Son who is nearly 21. At first he didn't want to know through the official means, but I managed to trace him through a fluke! We met twice and he was gushing with enthusiasm and since then (three months ago) I have been on a roller coaster of emotions but he seems very laid back about it and only gets in touch when he feels like it. We haven't met up in 3 months and I miss him. What I would like to know is other people's experiences of their feelings towards birth mothers and is there any advice you can give on how to handle this. Comments from birth mothers welcome too. Thank you.

[dot.hawkes]

he also sound like a typical 21 year old, my daughter lives two streets away, works for the same company as i do and i give her a lift into and home from the railway station every working day, but socialise? Visit? etc! We only spend time together when we are on holiday in some foreign shore! I think he will probably mature in attitude and so you should try to be patient, he has managed this long and the best years are yet to be.

[claireyfairy]

not exactly the same situation but i didn't see my dad from the age of 2 and a half to 16 and a half. I know see him around 3 or 4 times a year, more recently becasue I have a great relationship with my step brother and travel to see him. However I do sometimes sit and think "hang on I haven't been in touch with my dad for a while" and feel a bit bad but at the end of the day I have my life still going on and so does he. We don't make a major fuss about seeing each other although we love spending time together when we can.

I know you will be excited that you are back in touch with your son but there will be a lot of emotions running around his head that he needs to deal with and even once he comes to terms with this he has his own life to lead. That's not to say he doesn't want you in it but you need to be a bit more laid back about the situation yourself, appreciate the time you do see each other but don't out your life on hold either.

[clarejoanne]

Thank you both for your help. It's good to know people are out there who can give advice.......x

[clarejoanne]

In A Pickle. That answer was basically your selfish attitude and nothing else. You can't take away the fact that this lady gave birth to you and why shouldn't she have maternal feelings towards you. You have lost out. But perhaps she hasn't!

[clarejoanne]

That's ok, but I'm asking for people who have traced their birth mothers to tell me how I should behave. I suppose that your answer is helpful in a way, because now I know that in your case, you didn't want your birth mother to try to be your 'mother', but from her point of view, it would have been a very natural thing to feel. It's a very hard subject to discuss so thank you for your input.

[joko]

i think theres one rather large factor you have skipped over here...why haven't you seen him for 21 years?

perhaps this is the reason he is a bit laid back.

and i have to say IAP has a good point, whether you wanted to hear it or not - just because someone gave birth to you does not give them the right to come into your life 20-odd years later and try to take over, and also play mind games to try to gain control as IAP mum did - this is unacceptable behaviour, and she did the right thing. quite simply you forfeit your rights when you give them up - and as adults they owe you nothing.

it sounds like you haven't fallen out with him though, so just give him time.
he has had a life for 21 years without you and perhaps he feels he is betraying his mum, by seeing you too often?

give him time, but why wait for him to contact you?
contact him.
he may well be sitting at home feeling upset that you haven't been in touch with him!

[clarejoanne]

I do get in touch but like my other children he doesn't reply much. However, we stay in touch through MySpace which I suppose is a compliment as I get to see everything he's up to! I'm supposed to be going to see him in Guys and Dolls next month to which he invited me a couple of weeks ago and he did mention meeting up this summer holidays. So it's not all bad. He just said he didn't want to meet regularly and yes he was concerned about his Mum.
I needed advice on how to back off and let him come to me, and i've not done too much of a bad job I think so far. I'm beginning to come to terms with it. .
Thanks for input.

[joko]

sounds like you are doing the right thing - giving him space but also being there for him.

he already has a mum so perhaps its just odd trying to make time and space for another.

perhaps you should try to be the " cool auntie"

be a friend to him first.
its only been 3 months so its early days, and too early for you to have any sort of rights, and if he gets any sense that you are being pushy he may resent it.

leave messages on his myspace page ( not too personal, just fun things) perhaps send him some of those funny emails that do the rounds in cyberspace.
do not identify yourself as 'mum'.

this may help release the obvious tension and make him see to as a fun, relaxed person to have around who doesn't want anything from him except a friendship.

why not create your own myspace page - he can then learn all about you too?

if you like i can give you some tips to get one going.

he may like this and it'll help him see you as a friend and a human - rather than this stranger who has turned up after 20 years.

[clarejoanne]

I do have my own Myspace page - that's how I found him, and to see his pictures I had to sign up to join! I'm a very young 40 and I do leave silly messages and some more serious - but not every day - and he does the same (but less frequently). I also identify myself to him with my first name, although he doesn't actually refer to me as that either. He's never once called me by my first name although that's the name I called myself first and always will do as I realise I have no claim on him.
We are into the same music and he leaves messages saying he likes my page and he also leaves comments on my photos.
It HAS only been 3 months and I realise that. But it seems like an eternity to me. I'm going to play it cool and see what develops but I do realise that being pushy isn't going to work.
I would really like to know if any 'Birth Children' have found their mothers/fathers and has it been a successful reunion, and how to handle it from their point of view!