help!

[Im a BusyBee]

after 24 years marriage i left my husband for someone i had known briefly but had been unhappy at home for years so left. i had so much pressure from everyone to go back i told new guy to go(after 3 or 4 weeks) and lived alone for a while while hubby and i patched things up (he had changed enormously)and moved back earlier this year. my problem is he is now constantly going on about other guy, when we make love am i thinking of him etc to the extent now he hardly speaks cos he only 'speaks rubbish'. i know it hasnt been easy for him but he is being so silly in things he says. i dont know why he has to keep talking about past - will he ever get over it??

[mycats]

Your husband was obviously devastated at whats happended. He really does need time to get over this crushing blow to his ego and his faith in you. It's only been a few months, give him time. How would you feel if it was the other way round? He probably had no idea you were so unhappy so it was al a huge shock to him because he didnt see it coming. Can you imagine how hard it must be for him nw to be able to relax and trust you when he was blindsided before?
I'm not having a go at you honestly. If you really think you have a future with your husband maybe you could go to relate or something?
Saying all that, it cant go on like this forever. If he really, really wants to be with you and save your marriage, at some point he is gonna have to let this go. Forgiving you doesnt mean casting up the past all the time.
Have you tried to talk to him about everything thats happened? Even if it is painful he is gonna have to be honest with you about how he feels. Good luck x

[ChuffingHell]

Time is a great healer and all that but you left him for someone else - I'm not suprised he's bringing it up.
As to why he keeps talking in the past - probably because it hurt him a lot. If you want to make it work with him, I think you need to just continue to reassure him as to why you're here now and what he means to you etc and I think you need to accept that he is may well bring it up from time to time.

However, I also think you should remind him that him bringing it up makes it very hard to move forwards and allow him to decide how he wants to deal with it.

As to whether you're happy to go along with him during this difficult time depends on you but I think you need to let him call the shots and see if you can live with that since you were the one in the wrong,

[mazie]

You said that you had been unhappy at home for years, so why did you go back? was it just the pressure and familiarity or do you still love your husband?

[claireyfairy]

You say that there was a lot of pressure put on you to go back to your husband but don't mention that you wanted to go back. Was it not want you really wanted hun?

[Im a BusyBee]

thanks for your replies. I do love him but i think the problem is in the fact he talks more about this bad period in our life now than when i first came back and lived alone(this was 2+years ago), he seems to be geting worse, i did think time would heal but it certainly doesnt seem to be. it just seems like a dream to me now .i know i done wrong but i dont want to keep being reminded of it and i should have thought by now he would be better off to do the same.

[Im a BusyBee]

sorry my answer on there sounds a bit hard wasnt supposed to!

[mazie]

He's dwelling and festering on it hon. have you been to relate or any other raltionship organisation?

[mazie]

It didn't

[Im a BusyBee]

he would never go to get help with such a personal thing. He seems to have this pent up anger inside him that builds up and he snaps at other people for slightest reason and drags up past with me. i hope he does get over it soon or improves anyway cos its not good for us.

[mazie]

I do know exactly what you mean Busy. I do hope you can both sit down and really talk about the issues and try and clear the air once and for all

good luck

[Loosehead]

A man cannot get over this, he may think he can but he can't. He will inevitably drive you away again because you will ever more irritated by the fact that he cannot just let it go. Very few men can get past being cuckolded the marraige is not retrievable, he'll eventually come to realise it.

[claireyfairy]

I have to say i partially agree with loosehead. My ex and I have been spending a lot of time together recently although we are not back together and yet he still brings up the time i was with someone else while we were a bit up-in-the-air. Even if we're just having a general chat if he can throw that point in then he will. and all that happened 2 and a half years ago and he has since got together with, moved in with and split up with one of his female "friends" who he left me for but he still can't get over what I did.

[whiffey]

Presumably you slept with the other man when you left ? That to some men, particularly after 24 years of marriage is going to devastate, and may be irretrievable, as others have said.

Put it this way, if it were me, I'd never get over that, sorry.

[WendyS]

I think your husband really had the ground knocked from under him when you left and obviously had not been aware of how unhappy you had been feeling, so there had been a long period of lack of communication between you.
Despite the fact that you are back together again, he has obviously not lost his sense of betrayal and is probably insecure and worried that the same thing will happen again.
I think the pair of you are going to have to learn how to sit down together and share your deepest feelings and emotions. Once you have done this thoroughly, then will be the time to agree between you that it's time to draw a line under things and move on. He obviously has not yet reached that emotional stage because he was the injured party. If he really cannot leave his anger and distrust behind him, then I suspect you will never be able to properly rebuild your marriage and it may be time to recognise that your reconciliation is not going to work.

[Im a BusyBee]

Thanks to you all for your answers - even if they werent what i wanted to hear! Im going to take him away for weekend so we have undisturbed time to talk and hopefully get to the bottom of things one way or another. Thanks once again.

[Solarjunkie]

One thing you might try is to write each other letter. Sometimes it's easier to express yourself in writing, especially when you can write in private & not have any interruptions.
Another technique I have heard of is to use an egg timer - only one person speaks at a time, the other person gets their turn when the timer is flipped. That way a discussion stays a discussion & does not end up with both people trying to talk at once.
Good luck.