Entertainment For Christmas Party

[hellywelly4]

I'm organising our Christmas party and would like some funny poems to liven it up. Ages between 71 and 99. Mostly ladies. Any suggestions please?( Must be clean!!!).

[emmie]

try and get a book of Pam Ayres poetry, she is lovely and her poems are very good and funny

[hellywelly4]

Thanks Emmie. Should have said excluding PA as she's already on the list.

[emmie]

ok but this is funny...

[aelmpvw]

https://monologues.co.uk/Pam_Ayres/Kill_My_Husband.htm

[Mamyalynne]

Our Family Holiday
It’s time to go on holiday, crank up the Bedford Van,
Get Aunty Flo and Little Mo and George and Uncle Dan,
Let’s go down to the Yarmouth pier to buy some candy floss,
And as we’re here let’s stay all week and damn the bloomin’ cost.

But on Monday we lost Herbert, we think, perhaps he’s drowned,
But he was an irritating little brat, so we don’t care if he’s found.
Then on Tuesday we lost Grandma, we think she was run down,
We’ll no longer hear her carping, I think no-one’s going to frown.

On Wednesday it was Mum’s turn, she joined a striptease show,
But the cow was always showing her ***, we’re glad to see her go.
Though Uncle Dan became depressed, and jumpéd of the pier,
At last his rancid armpit stench is no longer with us here.

Friday started quietly, but got Dad at half-past three,
He connected with an electric eel when in a rock pool he did pee.
By Saturday, although dwindling, we lost Nelly at the fair,
(Actually, we sold her to some medics, who said her blood was rare!)

So that’s the end of our holiday, we have to go back home,
But we have the keys to Grandma’s house, which we’ll sell and move to Rome.

More like that on gere

https://peculiar-poetry.com/max/funny/nostalgic-poems/

[Mamyalynne]

* here

[zebo]

Can anyone play the piano and do Victoria Wood's I Can't Do It. Why must they be clean, some of we elderly ladies, I just creep into that age range, can still enjoy a bit of rudery!

[sanmac]

This is a link to the home-page of aelmpvw's site: https://monologues.co.uk/index2.htm
Whatever you do, don't click on "Sunny Pedro PostCards":)

[hereIam]

I eat my peas with honey
I've done it all my life,
it makes the peas taste funny,
but it keeps them on the knife !

[The Builder]

Hells, they're all of an age to remember Spike Milligan. He wrote many "silly" poems...........

https://www.poemhunter.com/spike-milligan/

[hellywelly4]

Unfortunately there isn't a piano, and, regarding keeping it clean, quite a lot of us have a really broad sense of humour, but some haven't, and it would be dreadful to upset them.
Sanmac - that's a perfect site, just what I wanted. I will browse, and browse....many, many thanks

[jourdain2]

'I have a little Sat. Nav.' was attributed to Pam Ayres, but isn't hers. She did write 'Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth'.
'You are old, Father William' Carroll.
'The Owl and the Pussycat'.
'Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf', Dahl.
'The Lion and Albert' - Marriott Edgar

Is that enough?

[Bazile]

There was a young lady from county Limerick ,
who ....

Ho soz , you said clean didn't you

[Maydup]

This one might make them laugh....

Christmas Thank You Letters

Dear Auntie
O, what a nice jumper. I’ve always adored powder blue and fancy you thinking
of orange and pink for the stripes. How clever of you!

Dear Uncle
The soap is terrific -so useful and such a kind thought and how did you guess that I’d just used the last of the soap that last Christmas brought?

Dear Gran
Many thanks for the hankies. Now I really can’t wait for the flu, and the daisies embroidered in red round the ‘M’ for Michael: how thoughtful of you!

Dear Cousin
What socks! And the same sort you wear so you must be the last word in style and I’m certain you’re right that the luminous green will make me stand out a mile.

Dear Sister
I quite understand your concern - it’s a risk sending jam in the post. But I think I’ve pulled out all the big bits of glass so it won’t taste too sharp spread on toast.

Dear Grandad
Don’t fret, I’m delighted. So don’t think your gift will offend. I’m not hurt at all that you gave up this year and just sent me a fiver to spend.

by Mick Gowar