Lonely

[allenlondon]

My mum, wiser than I ever gave her credit for when she lived, used to say of one talkative elderly neighbour, “She’s probably just lonely.”

Mum lived alone at the time, my dad having died 15 years before, and me having long since moved out.

So her understanding of the neighbour’s life was probably based on her own.

I am so sorry for not recognising this when I could have done something for her.

I would guess that many on this site live alone.

Are you lonely? How do you cope with this depressing condition?

A

[allenlondon]

Thanks for those thoughts, woofgang. It's not about providing solutions to loneliness, rather about a better understanding of it.

I have quoted this before (and how I wish it was Mother Teresa or Nelson Mandela who said this, but no, it really was Bob Monkhouse...) "All love stories end in tragedy."

And show me one that doesn't.

The price of loving, just?

Maybe.


Allen.

[pixie374]

Loneliness and being alone are not the same thing. Losing a partner, relative, child, is obviously devastating and so is grief. But that doesn't necessarily lead directly to being lonely. Support, personality, friends, relatives and so on, all make a difference as well.

[Barsel]

My Dad died when he was 55yrs old, leaving my Mum to spend the next 30 yrs as a widow. They had a very loving marriage and she missed him a lot, but she had a great belief in God and she became very busy with the church and this filled her days. For those who don't have this kind of faith, your own GP can help as they 'should' know lots of organisations that offer all kinds of help where you can meet like minded people. Not possible at the moment because of the you know what, but there is more help out there than there ever was before.

[pixie374]

Danny //.I may be wrong but I think that loneliness is more prevalent amongst women.//

My experience doesn't show that at all- and particularly since women are more likely to be widowed than men.
They do seem to have better support systems with friends and relatives and also, are generally, more independent. It sounds sexist perhaps, but as far as I see, it is often the wives who have cooked, cleaned and looked after others and their general outlook seems more turned towards others.
That may change over time, as society is... but that is more my experience over the last 20 plus years. Men seem more 'lost' without their wives. And statistics do bear it out, that women do better single, while men are less happy and healthy.

[allenlondon]

Pixie. Can't argue with that. Plus of course men have often been 'out to work', and then their enforced idleness (retirement) doubles their sense of futility.

I think the closeness of the relationship has much to do with the coping; I recall several 'partnerships' where there was never much closeness, just an acceptance of living together, occasionally doing things together. Such couples didn't seem over-bothered when one of them departed.

I wonder if this is, too, a factor of our fractured society, and whether in closer societies the bonds between family members are stronger, more deeply rooted. By the number of particularly Asian elderly in 'retirement' homes this seems fanciful, but perhaps things were different 'at home'.

A

[pixie374]

I totally agree, Allen. I have always found very very few Asian people in retirement homes, or homecare. In fact, personally, I have known two. But if you have a culture of men working outside the home, and women working in it.... there is more likely someone to be around to provide care.

[andy-hughes]

Allan at 10.46, I never said or implied that I 'know everything', you invented it so you can give me the benefit of your 'wisdom'.

[allenlondon]

Pixie. Thanks for that. Round here (NW London, Wembley, Harrow), there seem to be a lot of Asian elderly in homes, but their population is big, so maybe just a false impression.

(Oh Andy, and you really wonder why people say 'but not every thread is about YOU'...)

[andy-hughes]

Alan, save your patient sighing for someone who cares.

[jennyjoan]

Going back to the time you are referring to Allen I would suspect that your mother wasn't as lonely as you think, well from my personal experience because we lived in wee houses close together there was always neighbours and people toing and froing and keeping an eye on mum when we were at work. Also the front door was never locked, nobody had a key.

That's what is missing now and people are so lonely, nobody is allowed to be tactile any more but that will come with the great news.

I am very lucky where I live the neighbours don't run in and out of houses but pretty most of them would be aware of what another neighbour is at and so they would ask - do you need anything - I haven't seen you about etc.

(To think I was leaving some years back) but that was a low moment.