I Hate Being The Responsible One

[rowanwitch]

Finally bit the bullet regarding mum, I have a phone appointment booked with her GP for monday, have emailed them a summary of what we have noticed , and why we think she might have dementia. I feel sick that I have to do this but she is probably past the point where she could ask for help, anyway she is too stubborn to do it even if she could. I am just tired of the accusations and the phone calls telling me her tv isn't working because the repair shop isn't on, well it wouldn't be it's 0600 but she thinks it should be and its someone else's fault....
The list is endless and will be sadly familiar to do many. life's rubbish sometimes.

[jakep]

The correct thing to do, well done.
I hope you get the appropriate response from the GP and, the difficult part, that your Mum will agree to being seen.

[rowanwitch]

That will be hard, we have opened negotiation with talk about her depression, and possible vitamin D Deficiency might get her to an appointment on that pretext

[woofgang]

rowanwitch, its virtually impossible for one person to care for a person with dementia for any length of time. I know this professionally and also personally. Live in carers have to be employed in twos or threes so that they can get a break and residential home staff similarly. Its also amazing how badly affected someone can be and still be able to wash, dress and feed themselves. I knew one lady who even went out to a club and to her hairdressers. The secret was that her whole life was in a tight routine. She travelled everywhere by taxi who knew when to pick her up and where to take her. her shopping was done and delivered by her daughter and she only ever watched one TV channel. She got up when the alarm went off and went to bed when she had seen the news. To strangers she appeared completely functional. Sadly it all went to bits when she got a chest infection.

I do feel a bit for your sister. I have a dog who I won't/can't leave and have never put any of my dogs into quarantine since we had to do it on return from the US. When my mother was alive and I travelled to London to see her, I left the dogs with my husband, and he did the same when he went to see his mum and stepdad. I accept that its hard to understand for people who make different choices.

[bednobs]

also, people who have dementia, can be very good at covering

[Peter Pedant]

yes no

just getting trained - so this is still at the stage of 'do you think it is early dementia?' and the books say it is going to be a ten year suck

[rowanwitch]

I reckon we are already a couple of years in, and mums health isn't good, I would guess maybe 5-6 with good care unless she chooses differently while she still has moments of clarity.

[Maydup]

I feel very proud of you Rowan for having made the connection with the GP. Its rubbish being the responsible one I know, but its what you do for loved ones.

[MallyJ]

Himslf got , what was called at the time, enduring power of attorney which meant his decisions re his mother could not be argued with. She went into a home which was paid for largely by renting her house out. The council person in charge of helping people deal with this type of problem was appalling so we did it all ourselves. We found a great care home near us and she was well cared for...even with an ensuite bathroom. I hope that all goes as well as these things do for you. Please do not feel any guilt. Do what you need to do for your own comfort.

[rowanwitch]

Mum has no money neither have my sister or I. There are better care homes in my area for fully funded care than in London so I hope if she needs this route we can move her to the midlands. Still that's a way off, lots of unknowns right now.

[gness]

Having been in the same position I do feel for you and anyone going through this, Rowan.
My mother was only ten miles away and though it was hard work physically caring for her the emotional strain you're experiencing is so much worse I think.
You've a way of contacting me if you ever want to let off steam or just have an ear..... Gx

[LadyCG]

You’ve done the right thing, Rowan.

Life can be crap at times xx

[MallyJ]

The position you are in is awful. I hope you are able to move her closer to you and can settle her in a good care home. This is so hard but the relief was great when she settled - but himself did have to fight the social worker in charge and I was certainly rather startled to be told to give up my job to take over her care......I didn't but I did continue to batch cook her weekly meals and take them to her to ensure she ate.... It really isn't a joy to be in this position. I wish you well

[pixie374]

I really feel for you, rowan. You are clearly doing everything you can... and it seems normal for people to feel guilty, but there's really no need.
I hope you get some proper practical help soon xx

[Theland]

That's quite a challenge you have their and one of which I nave some but little experience. But I salute you.

[rowanwitch]

At least I know who to call and what buttons to press