How do I deal with this?

[Bowieblue]

My ex husband (who has remarried) has been questioning our daughter (17) about whether or not I am seeing someone, who I am going away for a weekend with, then phoning me up and accusing me of getting her to lie about what I am doing. I know this is none of his business and so does he - but he continues to 'want to know things' even though he says he doesnt care a bit about what I do! He is very nosy and jealous and I have said to my daughter to be careful about what she tells him because he is such an unpredictable character. Surely he should not question her at all? We are divorced (6 years ago) and he still seems to want to 'get in my head' and have a say in my life!! I just dont know how to deal with the upset it causes my daughter - he goes on and on to her and wont let up. I feel if he continues this she won't want to go and see him (which she does regularly at the moment). Has anyone ever had a similar problem? how did you cope?

[CLOWN TICKLE]

If it were me I would ask my solicitor to tell him to stop it immediately

[caz247]

i was in a similar situation a few years ago and we have been separated ten years my two kids are couple of years older now than your daughter. he is also remarried but would ask who i was seeing every time they seen him. To be honest i don't understand why your daughter is upset about it unless she is lying to him about you. why tell him anything it's none of his business. Have you confronted him about it. In what way is he unpredictable.do you mean violent

sorry if i sound blunt

caz x

[RATTER15]

Either tell you Daughter to be totally honest and tell him what he wants to know or for her to refuse to discuss the subject as it is none of her business or his.

[Bowieblue]

It is the continuous questioning that upsets her. He is not content with the truth! He goes on and on and if you try to answer him he doesnt listen. Sounds wierd I know but that is what he is like, obsessive. Its like mental torture - he was like it with me before we divorced asking the same question over and over.

[suzi-q]

I was in exactly this situation. I think your daughter must stand up to her father and tell him that she will not discuss you with him. This could go on for years until she is an adult. Its absolutely nothing to do with him now. My ex husband is a similar character and still manages to cause trouble. Its not easy for her but she must stand up for herself - not take sides - but just tell him that she will not discuss him with you nor you with him. If she decides not to see him that is his problem not yours. She is not a go between. Stand up for yourself and stop worrying what will happen if she doesnt see him. You are not responsible for his actions only your own. I feel for you and your daughter I really do.

[Bowieblue]

Thank you for your answers, I think you are right that my daughter must be more assertive with him, and so
should I. It is'nt easy for her because she obviously loves him and I still have a fear of him. I'm certainly not going to let him ruin my life anymore or hers.

[Carakeel]

Firstly, you both have my sympathy. Your daughter is in a very difficult and unfair position she should not be in. As she is old enough to do so, I think she should tell him that they need to set a new rule. She will not come to see him any more if he talks about or asks about you. After all, her visits should be about her and her father's relationship, not about anything that pertains to you. If however, when she visits him, he does not stick to this rule, then she should tell him that he has broken their new rule and that she is going home because of it. She must be consequent though and follow through by leaving. He may learn his lesson after the first time or (if she wants to try again) he may need to experience her strength of character more than once. He needs to learn to respect his daughter and to understand that she will not allow herself to be hurt in this way. It is important though that she tells him that in all honesty, unless he stops asking and commenting about you, he will lose his daughter. It is her he should be interested in , not her mother!!! I wish you all well with this.

[scoobydooby]

You have my sympathy - what an awful situation to be in. It would appear that his unreasonable behaviour continues probably because you allow it to (you say you still have a fear of him). Some of the answers on here are absolutely spot on. It's about you becoming stronger and more assertive and telling him to mind his own business. Does his wife know he has an unhealthy interest in your love life? Perhaps it may be worth asking him this question to see where it gets you!

[Rubyrose]

If I was your daughter I think my response to him would be 'If you want to know then why don't you ask mum?'!

Could you not arrange to meet him and his new wife and have a chat with him in front of her and say your daughter has mentioned that it is making her feel awkward?