Question for Noxolumus,(and others!)

[PinkFizz]

Morning everybody.I put Noxolumus as I think he has experience of this matter,but anybody else who has been here I would appreciate their comments. My partner had a terrible childhood,a lot of which I didn't know till recently.His father for a reason he never discovered,turned against him when he was 13,from an adoring dad to one who beat him,often in places nobody could see such as soles of feet,made him stand in ice cold showers with bathroom windows open till he turned blue.always when his mother was at work.Came to a head one night when his dad attacked him and left him for dead with a fractured skull when he was 16 .Dad was jailed,apparently disappeared after a while and mum re-married a lovely guy years later. Problem is this - I was casually talking to his mum a few weeks ago and the subject of his dad came up,and she basically said that my b/f had exaggerated it all and 'kids never remember things clearly'.I told her about other things such as he was forced to read a certain chapter of a book and memorise it,then the dad would take the book and ask him to repeat it word-perfect - which he obviously couldn't do,so then he would get beaten sensless.She just says it didn't happen as she would have known.The skull fracture - she says he fell and hit his head on the cooker. What I want to know is - does she simply have no idea how bad things were or is she burying her head in the sand as she is so ashamed that she didn't prevent these things happening.(he used to beat her as well,but funnily enough never touched the younger brother)More and more lately when b/f is not around she will try and hint that things were nowhere near as bad as I have been told and I get on so so well with her I am feeling a bit awkward now,almost as though she is asking me to agree with her. By the way,I don't doubt my partners version for one second.

[Hellion]

Hi Pink,

Many years ago I worked for a solicitor and we had a case of a girl who had been sexually abused by her father. She'd tried telling her Mum several times but her Mum didn't believe her until one day she actually walked in on her husband raping her daughter. She took her daughter and left.
She told me that she was so ashamed that she had not believed her daughter but it was so awful to contemplate she couldn't believe it was true of someone she thought she knew and loved. She admitted that if she had not actually seen it with her own eyes she still doubted she would believe it.

What I'm trying to say is that women married to abusive men are frequently in denial. I suspect everything your partner says is true and his mother can not face up to the fact she allowed her child to be so terribly treated and did nothing. She obviously didn't have and easy time either - I don't think she's trying to make your partner out a liar - just trying to lessen what happened in her mind to a level which she can live with. By trying to make it seem less bad I think she, is in a way, trying to seek forgiveness from you for not protecting your partner. Tell her it's all in the past, it was an unhappy time but now you must all move forward.
Hellion xx

[Octavius]

I pander to your presumption of Nox's superior knowlegde, but I think you have read it right. Whilst it is possible that some of it may be exaggerated, I would view this as her attempt to either deny it happened or deny it happened to the extent your bf says it did to:

a) hide her embarassment that she didn't know about it
b) hide the fact she did and did nothing/little to prevent it
c) hide the fact continued to put her son at risk by remaining in that environ

Either way, it is not for you to defend or argue the point with the MIL, your bf should be doing this - you shouldn't be treated as the middle (wo)man.

[serendipity1]

i agree with hellion totally, it sounds like his mum is so ashamed of herself and just maybe needs and wants to forget it all, but you sound like a nice lady and a great support to your b/f and thats all that matters now, you cant change the past can you and it sounds horrific the life he had just carry on doing what your doing! x

[PinkFizz]

Hi Octavius - I only put Nox as I have read in several threads that he also had a terrible childhood with his father and so I wondered if he had a similar case of denial with his mother.

As for his mother - yes I agree with you,but it is very hard as she is trying to get him to visit his dads grandparents as they are old,and he wont as they also stood by whilst his dad attacked him on a visit to them as a child,as they were frightened of him - apparently he terrorised their neighbourhood.

[noxlumos]

Hello Pink, I have to agree with all the former posters that his mother will undoubtedly be full of shame, embarassment and fear about what sort of person she is herself for having been around when this was all going on, and will deny it until the cows come home.
I too, suffered a fractured skull, sometime around about the age of five or six, and my mother HAD to have known about that ( in fact I think I can remember it clearly, as I was lying on the floor and she stepped over me). I also have scars all over me where he cut and burned me which always seemed invisible to her even though they are very much still there.She always denied that he had done anything wrong at all,saying to me that I had imagined it all ( despite the brain injury, the scars, the months on end off school etc so no-one would know), until my second wife had an almighty go at her when she brushed something off casually and it resulted in a huge row between the two of them.We didn't speak for ages at all, then one day I just had enough and went over there and kept on and on at her until she finally admitted that she did know what he was doing and didn't know why she had done nothing. I was so relieved. We have a better relationship now, because of the honesty, although I do feel "done out of" a proper family because he was only abusive to me, not her, not my siblings and it caused me problems throughout my life until I addressed it.
contd/

[noxlumos]

I think it's vital for your b/f to get things into the open with her, especially as his position is slightly different to mine in that she was never present, wheras my mother was, yet still ignored it. She may have been genuinely unaware for a long time which to me is more excuseable.
My mother and my wife have a dreadful relationship as my wife is very strong and I'd be a dead man if I'd even attempted to raise a finger to my kids, and she cannot understand my mother's "weakness" as she puts it, to have stood by and seen something so clinical and extensive happen.
I think you need to make it clear to your MIL that you don't want to get inolved with this, but your bf should be supported all the way and never doubted even in front of her. She'll never feel better about herself until it's out in the open with him, it's the original elephant in the room. I think they need to set some time aside to get it thrashed out if possible once and for all, as otherwise they will still be missing out on parts of their relationship.
My mother and I get on quite well now despite it all, as you really can't live in the past, just try to understand it and move on.
Hope some of this makes sense.

[PinkFizz]

Hi Nox - thanks for taking the time to write such a detailed reply.

Part of the problem I think is that after the skull incident,two weeks later the dad who was on bail came back to their house and the mother took him upstairs to bed and they made love(she didnt know at the time that my partner knew as she thought he was asleep).Next morning he was gone.He never told her he knew till a few years ago and she denied it totally.So they didnt speak for a few years.She admits he was a violent man as he beat her regularly as well and was a drug addict,but can't quite accept that he really did all those things to his own child.Even when I broke my foot the other week he then said how he'd had a broken arm as a child(his dad again) and she told him that he had never had a broken arm.I think he is locking it all away and not confronting her as if he does he will probably pour out all this anger and maybe say things that can never be mended.

[noxlumos]

Yeah that is EXACTLY the sort of thing my mother would do, say I didn't have a very obvious injury, and to this day in general conversation she will almost deify my father, telling anyone who'll listen how wonderful he was (which to her he probably was). I know that to some extent she resents my very existance as it besmirches her "perfect" husband, he being only like that with me, not her or my siblings.
I did say vile, inexcuseable things to her, shook her and frightened her, screamed at her for hours until she eventually owned up, so I know what your bf means about being almost afraid of the confrontation for what it might bring about but I got to the point where it really was make or break and my need to know how and why eclipsed the damage that might result. Strangely once we did talk after the initial tears and yelling and finger pointing, she reminded me of some of the nicer things my Dad and I used to do together which I had forgotten ( I was only seven when he died) and it made it far harder to view him as the one dimensional monster I'd developed in my head once I began to recall those things, so in a sense it gave me my father back on far more even terms which I am very glad about.
He needs to have the best relationship with his mum he can have, or he'll end up feeling as I did, that he had somehow been cheated out of a proper family, so I still think if he can steel himself and approach her about it, then it would benefit them both long term, but short term it will make him feel like ****, as it just sort of re-news the sense of dysfunction and rejection.
Have you any idea where his father is now, has he considered tracing him at all, as personally it's my biggest regret that I can't speak to my own father on the subject.
I'm all for confronting and regaining personal power, having tried lots of different strategies, but each to their own, he can only go as far as he is comfortable and that may change significantly over

[PinkFizz]

I have actually searched the net and found his fathers address(well I think I have).His dad has a really unusuall name and in all the searches I have done only one match has come up in the entire UK and this guy would be around the same age(I daren't ask b/f exactly how old his dad is) and the address is only about 25 miles from where his mum currently lives. He doesn't know I have done this yet.He does get on fine with his mum but says he doesn;t trust her at all which I understand I guess.A lot of the little hang -ups he has now he puts down to his childhod,ie not showing his emotions facially very well as he says he learned very early not to give his dad a look which my be the wrong one.Families can be so cruel sometimes.

[larkin]

I am in a kind of similar position to your b/f - only mine involves a 'friend' who has turned against me and who tells me that my perception of what happened to me is all imagined.
I was hurt very badly, many years ago, by someone that supposedly loved me and I buried it all away ( although opened up to Mr L when we got together).
It is a hideous situation to be in - the frustration of a person not believing or denying that horrible things have happened to you. I really sympathise with you both - he is lucky to have your support, as I am with Mr L.
My 'friend' had been through the same thing, but in a very different scenario. She has actually accused me of exaggerating my story to make it sound worse than hers.
What the purpose of this would be, I have no idea but needless to say, I am no longer in contact with her, following barrages of e mail and text messages. I have even resigned from my job because of her hurtful intimidation.
It is awful because you do start to question yourself and whether or not it is you that is wrong. But then reality steps in and brings it all flooding back.
I have managed to sever myself from the situation and am now facing and dealing with my own personal issues through counselling, without the fear of being branded as an exaggerator.
It is very difficult in your b/f's case because family are involved, but he really probably needs to confront his mum about it - which is hugely hypocritical from someone who weakly walked away rather than face up to someone !

[Eric Git]

HI Pink,

I've just read your question, my husband has gone through something similar, and to be honest some of his uncles thought that what he told them had happened was exaggerated, unitl one of thier duaghter's out of the blue. mentioned that she had never liked staying at my husband's home with his mum and dad as the viloence that went on and the way in which he was treated was frightening.

My husband's parents play down what happend, but my husband has the scars and the memories to prove it. What I think your in law is trying to do, is make herself feel better, she is probably in denial and this is the easiest way to cope with it, ie, the more she says that it didn't happen the more it will go away and she'll convince herself that what she says is true.
Do what I have done, listen, nod and when you've had enough gentley let her know that you've looked into it, (court records as so on) and that you know exactly what's happened and that they are both victims and need compassion. That way you're not throwing it down her throat that you don't believe her, you're simply saying that they both need so TLC.