Went My Friends Funeral On Monday

[nailedit]

Visited his widow today.

(Theyre both in their late 70's)

Been friends for many years. Felt so awkward having a coffee with just one of them there.

 

How do you make smalltalk with someone who has just lost their mate of 50 yrs?

 

[retrocop]

Reflect on the good times.

[nailedit]

It was awkward

[retrocop]

I'm sure the widow doesn't want to be cut off so make an effort. Your presence may be appreciated.

[naomi24]

The recently bereaved often like to talk.  Sometimes it's better just to listen.

[Countrylover]

The same as you would before they  lost a loved one.  Be your natural self and don't be worried about talking about their lost loved one.  A lot of people want to talk about it, especially to their good friends.  The loneliest time is after the funeral.  Suddenly you find yourself alone with nothing to do.  You need your friends.  And don't forget to hug

[calmck]

Continue to visit when you can

[retrocop]

You could ask how the widow is coping. Ask if assistance is required with pensions etc and other formalities like death certs ,bank accounts, insurances  et al.

[nailedit]

Tried to keep it low key.

Takked about the reception and service but

without any mention of his actual death ect,

Recalled a few funny moments of his life.

[jourdain2]

retrocop's right, as are the others. I let my sister (recently widowed) talk as she wishes but prompt to ask about day-to-day issues like bills insurance and if she is needing a bit of help. Then there is clearing clothes, sorting and giving them to the best places.  Ask how she is - and  that hug is very important, as is keeping in touch.  Loneliness can be overwhelming.

[jourdain2]

^^  You sound as if you did it just right, nailed it.

[nailedit]

//You could ask how the widow is coping. Ask if assistance is required with pensions etc and other formalities like death certs ,bank accounts, insurances  et al.//

Thanks Retro,

Her remaining son (Her other son was my best friend all through high school untill he died young)

Is sorting all that out for her

[naomi24]

Sounds like you did just the right thing, nailit.  

[retrocop]

I am afraid I have dealt with deaths and those who remain so many times. My approach is to try not to deal with death as a dirty word and talk in hushed tones as if the deceased has disgraced themselves.It's a hackneyed old cliche but I would sooner reflect on my best mate's departure as a celebration of his and your lives together. I don't do the sack cloth and ashes malarkey. 

[Spungle]

Just be there.  Like you did, Nailit.  I didn't want to talk after the death of my wife but will always be grateful for those who didn't avoid me in the days afterward and were just 'there' for me, and I wouldn't hesitate to do the same.  Well done on doing what you did, it could mean the world to that person.

[retrocop]

You and the others are correct Spungle.

[roopower]

It sounds as though you got it just right. The most important thing is that you visited, please keep doing so. A lot of people shun the recently bereaved, at a time when they need company most, because they don't know what to say.

[andy-hughes]

I was a Samaritan volunteer, and you learn that situations like this are not 'social', so 'social' rules don't apply.

There is no need to search for things to say to fill the silences - sometimes the silences are exactly what's needed, because the bereaved person is thinking and reflecting.

The golden rule is, unless you are absolutely one hundred per cent certain that what you are about to say is going to sound right, and be appropriate, don't say it, and say nothing.

The wrong comment at the wrong time can be awkward, a silence actually rarely is.

I think bereaved people hate the 'embarassment' of well-meaning visitors, who are terrified of saying the wrong thing, so skate around the loss and pretend it isn;t something to talk about.

It absolutely is, but always be guided by the bereaved person, let them take the lead in your conversation, and follow where they go, even if it is into long silences.

I had plenty of experience, and got used to it, many people experience it rarely, and therefore don't get used to it.

But the strategies are worth remembering if you find yourself in this situation again.

 

You clearly did the right thing by instinct Nailedit.

If people don't overthink it, and respond with their feelings, they usually do as well.