Help me get my marriage back.....

[BeaverDiva]

I posted this in family, but maybe it should have been here instead. Sorry!

husband doesn't seem happy at the moment, and i don't really know what to do. I feel like we're not close anymore, and just keep getting on at eachother all the time - the little things that we both do annoy the hell out of one another. I hate it. I adore my husband and our son - I love him to bits, I really do. But it feels like things are slipping away.

feels like he's only happy when he's going out and then he comes back drunk - which annoys me, especially if he's later than he said he would be. seems really unfair that i'm stuck at home when he's out too.

we did used to go out all the time before we had the baby (he's nearly 2 now) so i know he's always liked a busy social life (as i did too), but we can't do that now - but it seems lately that he's going out more and more often, whereas i'm not. so then i'm all on a downer when he's been out because i'm either upset he went and didn't care that i was home and bored, or he came back later and more drunk than was necessary.......

It doesn't help that the last couple of times we've been out together its been rubbish.....we argued the time before, and then this time went to the local (his idea) and it was dead. So now i've got it in my head that he only enjoys going out without me.......
Please help me fix this??

[BeaverDiva]

up until recently he wasn't going out so often or getting drunk when he did - i think this is a result of the problems, not a cause.

[ummmm]

How often is he going out and getting drunk?

[albaqwerty]

He may feel stuck at home and masculinity is being dented. It's a fragile thing.
Does he interact at Parent and Toddler Groups?

[boxtops]

I agree with craft - being stuck at home is no joke, even if it's agreed between you. OH was stir crazy being home after his accident, going out to meet other blokes was his release from the four walls at home.

[BeaverDiva]

but he's not "stuck at home" - he goes out all the time, and is mates with another dad a couple of doors away in exactly the same situation (whose son is a month older than ours and whose wife works), so please don't picture him trapped in the house all day or tied to the nursery. He's had a few occasional jobs here and there over the months too, at which times either my parents have had the little one or i've taken annual leave. That's what i'm trying to say - its not a case of him being stuck at home. and he tells everyone that he's got the little one, and is proud of it! Believe me, there's no stigma attached to it as far as either of us are concerned.

the times going out has gone up over the last few weeks - used to be one night every couple of weeks, then it became once a week, then last week, twice. i think i was mostly upset that he went out sunday night (Bank holiday party time for everyone!) and left me home on my own, bored and miserable - and had a great time because the pub was buzzing, whereas when we went together on saturday, it was rubbish ....... grrrrr

[BeaverDiva]

*its meant to read twice a week for the last 3 weeks (him going out) - not always getting drunk (although usually a little tipsy!) x

[albaqwerty]

please don't be offended by this question, it's just to help us get a better all-round idea to offer any advice we can.
Is it joint finances or do you give him 'pocket-money'?
If it's the latter, he might, just might fell it's his to do with as he wishes.

[murraymints]

beaver..as much as you say there is no stigma thingy..I can't help but think his esteem is low as a man and he does feel undervalued...You MUST ..get time together to talk...

[ojread2]

How many times has this been written by a woman?
Read any Agony Aunt column and there will at least one letter form a SAHM moaning about her husband not understanding how difficult it is for her being at home all day
Well imagine how difficult it must be for the husband who won't feel integrated into any toddler groups, any nursery groups, school playground cliques so on and so forth. Why? Simply because he is a fella. Imagine how hard it is for HIM to be stuck at home all day with a child to deal with alongside housework and everything else that being a SAHD entails
No one here can fix this for you - only you can do that
To assume it is not related to you working would be foolish, you must look at every possibility
Find a babysitter and go out as a couple for a meal some where nice and talk it through

[ojread2]

damn, dont walk away from the PC mid post typing

However, I stand by what I typed. Stigma or not do not assume anything

[ummmm]

He goes out twice a week? Sometimes gets drunk and sometimes gets tipsy? This has been happening for about 3 weeks?

So in these last 3 weeks you think your marriage needs getting back on track?

I can't get my head round that...sorry.

[BeaverDiva]

Ummmm - you asked how often he's been going out. I did say earlier that i think the going out is a result of the problems, not a cause. If you read my original post, i said that we keep getting on at eachother lately and it seems that everything we do annoys eachother. I only mentioned the point about going out because I see it as him wanting to get away from me.

OJ - thank you so much for your comments. I really do understand what you're saying and where you're coming from, and i think that in the past, this had been an issue. In fact, he never took the baby to playgroup until i took a day off and suggested we all go - once we went and saw other men there and that there was no issue or stigma attached, and how much fun that little one had, he was quite happy to continue taking the little one. you see? I do understand it from his point of view as well.

[Smowball]

How often would you feel happy with him going out for a drink in the evening?

[ummmm]

Yes, I understand that but if you think he's doing that to get away from you then him going out is an issue. Maybe you are 'getting' at each because 'you' feel that way.

He might simply want to have a few hours with his mates.

[Bstard]

Seems you both need a break from each other age is an important factor you will just have to get him to chat about things... Good Luck with it