Need Some Advice From Grandparents Of Very Young Children

[pastafreak]

Not for myself, as unfortunately I'm not a grandmother. 

It's for my brother, who's just turned 88. His grandchildren are a boy...5, and 2 girls...5 and 3.

He's had health issues as some on here know...sepsis almost 7 years ago, the long term effects include reduced mobility. He can walk but needs a frame or rollator, hence he can't interact with the little ones as he'd like to. Nor does he see them all that often. His wife "is more proactive, because she can be. She can drive, and she will stay with them, it’s rare occasions, but she makes sure her visit is meaningful to them. I don’t go, reason beIng that I’m more work for her then they are and they play and do things together." <<<his words.

The last time he saw them was his birthday last week, which he described as chaotic, and uncomfortable for him. He feels they look at him as if he is different and do not interact...particularly the youngest. He also described a dream that the 5 year old related about his other grandfather who passed several years ago...detailed and happy. I know time...or the lack of it, is playing on his mind.

He wants them to have good memories of him. Part of him wants to let this go, but he also feels the need to discuss it with his sons. That he needs to make  people aware of his feelings. I'm thinking he feels like an outsider. I said that maybe they are simply studying him, comparing themselves and their parents to him...this is the only way they know him. He understands but says that doesn't help.

They were born after his disabilities took over. They've seen him in hospital and even less mobile. He has a good relationship with his sons...but disapproves of what he sees as spoiling. Both with "things" and discipline. 

Ideas...thoughts?

[barry1010]

This is something that very much upset my oldster, not specifically about children but people in general.  He doesn't want strangers to look after him, nor meet new people, because 'they don't see me, they see an old broken man'.  On the whole it is true.

I hope your brother has the good sense not to criticise the parenting of his grandchildren.  It can be hard to establish a good relationship with children that you don't see on regular frequent basis and it can't be forced.  All he can do is be pleasant to be around and not push for affection or attention.  He should make the effort to visit with his wife - the children will be more relaxed in their own homes.  

[pastafreak]

Thanks Barry. We do become invisible as we age. I'm quit certain my brother would never criticise his son's parenting...its not his way. I suppose he's a bit by what he sees.

As for his feelings...I think he's a bit depressed that he may not have the closeness he'd like with his grandchildren. He also fears time is not on his side.  😞. I don't know if he's spoken to his wife, I'll ask...and suggest he goes with her if he's up to it.

[JinnyJoan]

Unfortunately Pasta I just think the whole thing jars with AGEISM -  all wee ones see everybody older than them as very old.  It is just sad your brother has become a little immobile but there's nothing he can do stop gravity.

[elliemay1]

I think he neeeds to have a heart-to-heart with his wife and sons, they probably aren't aware of his feelings

[Rosetta]

When they visit could he do some activities with the children eg drawing/painting / board games/crafts /reading them stories etc. It might be more relaxed for both the children and him and they can all be under taken sitting down

[barry1010]

It's so very sad, I really feel for him 

[Smowball]

Just curious - it's not important at all, but are they his grandchildren or GREAT grandchildren? Only reason I ask is that they seem incredibly young to be grandchildren of an 88 yr old. I mean, his own children must be around late 50's/60? Or am I reading this completely wrong? x

[calmck]

Maybe the parents could show the grandkids family photos of past years. They could sit with the children and explain how he is getting older and tell stories of when they were growing up and what they did. Have the kids do some drawings for him telling him about themselves and what they do and like. Maybe grand dad could give them something to do with their special interest next time he sees them or maybe one grandchild at a time

[Cloverjo]

I have a 2 year old grandson who I don't see very often, as he's the other side of the country. When I do see him it takes a little while for him to get to know me again. I think it's important to just be there. Don't bring up the parenting issues. Everyone does things differently. 

If the children get too boisterous for your brother to cope with, he can just say he's going for a nap. 
Mostly just sit with them, watch them play, a bit of reading and colouring can help him feel part of their lives. 
 

[pastafreak]

Smow...they are his grandchildren. I think he was 36 when he married. His sons are in their early 40s.

Not everyone starts families in their 20s...

We are late starters in my family! 

[pastafreak]

Calmck, those are excellent ideas...I'll make a note of that. I'll also mention the suggestions of him reading or colouring with them as others have suggested. 

[Tuvok]

How about board games?

[Smowball]

I didn't mean any offence pasta..... sorry x

[Peter Pedant]

 I ask is that they seem incredibly young to be grandchildren of an 88 yr old. - - my father was born 1906 Dec., and his grandfather born 1827 had just died.

(yes one of my gt-grandparents was born 200 y ago. - er that one)

[Peter Pedant]

Maybe the parents could show the grandkids family photos of past years. - complete non-starter as far as ( my family) is concerned. attention span -  less than a minute.

I have credible fates for the g gr f, born 1827 and all his sibs ( including the girls, Very Difficult) and my brother commented: by the time they are interested , we will have been dead for forty years.

[pastafreak]

No offence taken Smow...if I ever have grandkids, I'll be ancient also! Xx

Peter, my father was born in 1901...his mother died in 1963-4. She was in her 90s. He never spoke of grandparents...but they'd have been Old!

[pastafreak]

Peter...yes, we all have questions we want to ask...when we are already getting on ourselves. And there's no-one to answer 😉

[jno]

Pasta, yes, that's why people typically get into researching family history when their parents die and they realise there's nobody they can ask any more.