Grandparent not respecting our wishes

[AniseedTwist]

We decided that we don't want to give our daughter sweets and chocolate for a while, at least until she's a year old, to try to keep her eating nutritional things and protect her teeth. She's 9 months now.

I've just found out that my mother gave her some chocolate when she was babysitting recently, even though she knew our wishes. She doesn't think she's done anything wrong. I was very angry at her when I found out, but I don't really want to stop her baby-sitting as that wouldn't be fair.

I'd be grateful of any advice on how to handle this as I don't want to blow it out of proportion, but I don't want her to completely disregard our wishes for our daughter.
Thanks.

[meltoadhall]

i would say ignore it, it all depends on how close you are to your mother and how much you rely on her.
is a small piece of chocolate worth losing your mother over?
all you can do is be proud that you have managed 9 months of your daughter being sweet free.
is this your first child? if it is, wait until you have siblings who think its very funny to smear their baby sister with chocolate spread!!!
of course you can go on and on about it and totally alienate your mother or you can still keep on doing what you have been doing and enjoy life.
just my opinion of course................

[AniseedTwist]

Thanks a lot for your response. I think it's good advice, and I realise I was being a bit petty. My first reaction was that all our hard work in feeding her healthily was wasted. But I think I need to take a step back here.

Yes, it is my first. I've heard other people say that you have all these good intentions with the first baby and then the babies after that get fed anything and everything.

Thanks again.

[sandbach99]

You are blowing this out of all proportion a piece of chocolate will not have ruined her life or teeth, will not make her obese or a chocoholic, yes it was against your wishes, but can you honestly say you nrver went against you mothers wishes as you grew up.

20 years ago your mother was given guidence on the best foods to feed you, now some of these are taboo, I have no doubt in years to come another set of scientists/dieticians will say the same about some of todays good for you foods. I won't eat or seve my family any low or no sugar products as these nearly all use chemicals to sweeten them, are these chemicals really better for you than natural sugar cane or sugar beet?.

Grandparents are there to treat their grandchildren, if your mother thinks that everything she does is going to be questioned she will be offended, she reared you, and will find reason why she can't look after your child on her own, she will still keep in touch and visit but will not babysit

[makemesmile]

Whilst I understand your objection to giving your daughter chocolate at such a young age (it is a stimulant after all) but what I think really gets to you is your mother going against your wishes. This brings out all the protective motherly stuff, and it's quite natural that you should feel so annoyed. Best you can do is explain again how you feel, and nail a smile on your face. Life's too short : )

[smiffy65]

I wonder, how many times in your life did you go against your mothers wishes, I have 12 grandchildren and when I baby sit for any of them ,I am never told I cant do this or that,a grandma is there to say yes, when the mother says no, as long as they don't go overboard

[curiosity]

I may be totally wrong, but I know that when it's your first child, everything is a learning experience, and ways of handling things are addressed at every milestone with more attention, than that of subsequent children as we are more relaxed then, and know more or less what to expect. We are confident that we are capable, and arn't going into the unknown so to speak. I remember feeling angry with my mother & my mother in law for giving my 1st daughter icecream when she was still not on cows milk! and they were just happy to see that she was eating icecream and enjoying it! I think I perceived this as them thinking I was an anxious too uptight mother, but really they didn't. It was me telling myself that they were going against what I would like because they thought I was getting it wrong. A lack of confidence based on a new experience! They really just wanted a photo of a baby covered in icecream and to start bonding and be appreciated by her, as she was coming to an age of responding to them. good luck.

[AniseedTwist]

Thanks for all your replies.

Yes, Makemesmile, I think you've hit the nail on the head. The main reason I was annoyed was that she knew our feelings on this and did it anyway while we weren't there. When I've looked after other peoples' children I always ask what they're allowed to eat, and wouldn't dream of going against that because it's their child. I guess I'm just expecting the same of anyone who looks after mine.

I know that's maybe over-protective and maybe over-possessive too, but it just shocked me. I probably will become less bothered by things like this as I get to be a more experienced parent, and I do agree that life's too short to dwell on this.

[marri-jayne]

I see alot of people are posting about the right or wrong of your choice, and about letting it go, And that may be very good for this instance. However, In your post is a deeper question, it is all well and good to forgive a chocolate , the issue is can you trust your mother to follow your wishes.

I would suggest that you talk to your mother in these terms, She was a mother to you, How would she have felt if your babysitter had let you stay up past bedtime, or get ou tof doing your homework.

Be patient, explaine to her that it is not so much the sweet which upset you but the disregard for your wishes. Be willing to compromise, allow that if she talks with you, you can make Grandma's house a spcial place where some of the rules dont apply.

(My kids always got to eat fast food kids meals at Granny's, Never at Home)

If you feel like you are still a little intimidated by your mother (and who isnt) you can always find allies. A letter from your pediatrician about the importance of healthy eating habits might be great. You might also consider the other grandmother as an ally. If you have a good relationship She may be able to talk with your mother grandma to grandma.

I belive that as the mother you need to stand up for yourself and your views. You and the father have the final say in how this child is raised, and although you will listen to your mothers advice, her wealth of wisdom and experiance, do not make her the childs mother, nor can her love of her grandchild, however great that may be, ever come close to your love of your daughter,

remember, there are as many right-ways to parent as there are good parents in the world, we as human beings have been doing this a long long time, and most of us seem tocome out okay, in spite of our parents love.

[Beanmistriss]

I should imagine pediatricians have much better things to do than write letters to a naughty grandma about a bit of chocolate

[Pippa68]

You are so right about the first vs subsequent children thing!

My first had no sweets whatsoever ~ I didn't offer them,anad when anyone else did she refused them. I figured I had trained her not to like them and was very proud of myself..now she is 16 and quite likes chocolate and doesn't go overboard, but my theory went out the window years ago because:

My second comes along and he too is a healthy eater right from the start. At the age of 15 months he starts refusing food, but quite likes the taste of chocolate buttons. My HV tells me to let him eat them, as to make an issue out of it would have an adverse effect. He ate nothing but chocolate buttons for 2 months!

He is now 14 and never eats chocolate..

[puzzled54]

Would it have been different if it was your mother-in-law that went against your wishes rather than your mother? Just wondering.
I think it's the fact she did something that you didn't want her to do, but surely the parents make the rules. What if you disagree with her on smacking for example.?

[terricj]

hey i always said that my lil gal wouldnt get chocolate till she was at least 3. my partner gave her some when she was 9 months, and i was very anoyed, then my mum did too, i told them not to, my partner understands but my mum still gives her some on rare occations im not happy but i guess she just wants to treat her and a new toy every week is too much! lol

[noxlumos]

I wouldn't worry, it's your first child and you're bound to want to do everything right, but you can't always control everything, so relax, grannies are sent to try us.
My wife is Jewish and I'm Catholic and we bring our kids up with access to all religions but not practising any if that makes sense, so what does my mother do first chance she gets? Takes my little girl to Mass.Brilliant. Then accuses my wife of over-reacting and world war III pretty much broke out.
There will be more important things than chocolate, so relax and be happy, you sound like you have a lovely family.

[angleafr]

Tell your mammy to be a bit more savvy about breaking the rules and make sure that you don't find out about it!!! I have been right thourhg this and back again and after a bit of soul searching realised that my mum would never, never dream of putting my kids in any sort of danger or at risk. I have to trust that when the rules are broken they are done so for a reason (even if it is the bonding thing mentioned earlier). We agree that she will not change my ruels to the point where behaviour is affected and that other than that my ignorance is bliss!!!