Wedding dilema

[lorla]

My fiance and I are due to marry in Sept 2008 and are very excited. However I am really concerned that all is not going to go well. When we announced our engagement it caused huge family rows. My sister split from her fiance just over a year before and had a lot of trouble getting over it. My Mum (who has always favoured my sister) argued that I was insensitive to get engaged and that it was difficult for my sister to watch and couldn't we postpone it? By this time my fiance had proposed and I was proudly wearing my ring and although I felt sensitive to her needs, I didn't want to put my life on hold due to her failed relationship. The engagement party was awful, my Mum and sister didn't want to be there and I don't look back on my engagament with fond memories. Now I worry my wedding will be the same shambles so we considered doing it abroad on our own, but it'll break my heart to not have my family present. What should I do!?

[Hahh2912]

You can't be expected to put your life on hold because of something that has happened to someone else, whether she is you sister or not. Otherwise what next? If you decide to have a baby will you get "well your sister would have had a baby by now if...."

If they can't be happy for you I would just sod them, whether they are youir family or not. I would go abroad if I was you.

[Calon]

it's unfair of your mother to ask you to postpone your wedding,your sister split from her fiance over a year ago and should have got over it by now,and either way she should be happy for you. i really dont understand how they cant be happy for you,no offence but your sister is obviously jealous. about knowing what to do the only thing i can think of i talking to your sister on her own and trying to get her to come arond,then if she does your mother might aswell. if they loved you they'll come around in the end.

[Veggibear]

Congratulations on your engagement. : - )

I think you should do exactly what you want; it's your engagement; your wedding and your life.

They are the ones being insensitive and selfish.

(At the risk of being insensitive!) Your sister sounds like she needs to grow up and perhaps your mother prefers to deal with her if she is acting like a spoilt child. Your sister will probably meet someone in the time before your wedding - there is plenty of time till then.

[JackDanielsU]

Firstly congrats on getting engaged.

Aplogies if any of this comes across as too blunt

You mother doesnt sound very nice. I think you know this, as you say that she favours your sister, so shes obviously put your sisters feelings etc before yours in the past) which is no way to treat any of her children
You dont have to live your life to make your sister happy. If she was sacked from her job, would you have to quit your job too, just so your sister doesnt feel bad on her own? Of course not.

Have you any other siblings..or your Dad, Aunts, Uncles etc? Maybe they can help talk sense into your sister and mother

Hope it all works out

[Pippa68]

I agree with the others.

I remember two of my cousins planning to get married the same year. My cousins are brothers and very close, and each one was to be best man to the other. Anyway, one of the brothers had to postpone his wedding as his fiancees father (who was paying for the wedding) was made redundant. The other wedding went ahead, and although the brothers fiancee didn't attend (she was hyper sensitive) the brother did and a great time was had by all ~ and again a year later when the other wedding came along! nobody considered cancelling or postponing the other wedding at all.

I would go ahead with any plans you want to make. It is your wedding and most of all, your life. If your family can't be happy for you then tough..and to be honest although you want your family there at the wedding the main objective is to marry your fiance ~ that can be done just as easily without anyone there and you will still have a lovely day..honestly. It will be your family who lose out in the end.

[yolande]

I completely agree. Think of it the other way around - would you want your sister to delay her happiness for you?! Of course you wouldn't! I really hope they can take something from your happiness and you all have a lovely day. I think it's crazy when parents try to always make sure their kids have the exact same at the same time etc - things are different for everyone, everyone has to learn how to deal with jealousy , and I am sure she will meet someone too. Congrats!

[WendyS]

Congratulations. This should be a happy and exciting time for you and I definitely don't think you should put your wedding plans on hold. September 2008 is a long time away and by then your sister may well have found another boyfriend and have got her life back together again. And if you have cancelled your own wedding plans in the meantime, , what will you have? Answer: Disappointment and nothing to look forward to while your sister is gaily enjoying her own revitalised life.
There will always be times in life when unpleasant things happen to other members of our family. All we can is support and encourage them, but to put your own plans in abeyance is not sensible.

[maggie01]

I have to agree with Hahh2912. Your mum needs to remember that she has two daughters. She should be happy for you, so should your sister. You can't be expected to keep in the background everytime something doesn't work out for your sister. Try to get your sister involved so that she can be part of your day. If she is not interested then I am afraid you just have to accept that your sister and mum just won't be happy. I hope you can sort it out but if not enjoy planning your wedding and don't let anyone spoil it for you.

[spangle111]

Ignore everyone else and do exactly what you want. When it came to our wedding we thought long and hard about who to invite and who not to invite. then came the but if you invite X then Y wont come and if we invite A then we've got invite B etc. etc. In the end we made a list of the people we would hate to miss on our special day - it amounted to about 12 people and didn't include my dad, my sister, my father in law or my sister in law so we didn't invite them! The day was the best ever surrounded by the people we love most in the world. We laughed and smiled all day and even now people say it was the happiest wedding they have ever been to.

Sorry about the waffle love - what I'm trying to say is, do what your heart most desires and you won't go far wrong.

Congratulations or your engagement and lots of luck and happiness for a long and happy future together XX

[whitbybabe]

I feel so sad for you,especially because you obviously did not fully enjoy your engagement party because of your Mum and Sister.Can I please give you a bit of advice which stems from a sort of similar situation ? When my then fiance and I wanted to get married we had months of turmoil wondering who to invite and who not to invite,as his Mum and Dad were divorced and could not be in the same room as each other.My Dad had died very suddenly a few years previously so I really wanted my Mum there,but then we had the thought that if my Mum was there,so should my fiances Mum.This spiralled out of control as we knew we would not have a happy day if there was a lot of tension in the air.In the end we got married secretly in our favourite place(Whitby)with just us,our son and two witnesses,whom we still keep in touch with.The reactions from family members were varied.One of my brothers did not speak to me for at least 6 months,my fiances Mum took it quite bad. Others were very happy for us.All I can say is that we are so happy that we did it the way that we did.We had a wonderful,stress free day,and even though we missed people,we knew we had made the right choice.

[bubblegum-31]

woooooooooooooooah hold on a mo let me get this right here, your sister split just over a year ago from her fiance? my god how long r u expected to wait, not being funny but stop thinking of her and do wot is obviously right for you and marry this man you are blisfully happy with and enjoy yourselves. i think its your mother and sister who r the ones that r being very insensitive to you. fair enough your sister was hurt but life goes on and why should you suffer for your sisters misfortune. CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement and i hope you both have many many happy years together

[ConfusedMum]

i think it's your family who are selfish and insensitive! i say **** 'em, honestly - it's YOUR day invite who you want and do what YOU want if they make a scene just ask them to please leave - don't feel bad for being happy!

congrats! :D

xXx

[lorla]

Thanks so much for all your encouragement! I am so pleased to see that everyone supports me - I must surely be right to feel it's all very unfair on me! I started to wonder if I was being selfish but you've all shown me that I am not. I'm relieved! Thanks so much. Not sure how exactly I'm going to tackle it but I am going to put me and my fiance first! Thanks. xx