Closure!!!

[Zammo]

Just wondering if anyone can relate to me or advise me? I'd been seeing this guy for about a year but it was just on a casual basis. I got to really like him and pretty sure he didn't feel the same way so thought best thing to do was finish things but he'd always change my mind, which is why it went on for soooo long. Anyway I really want to start the new year with a clean slate so need to try and get a bit of closure and does it sound silly but i want to see him before the end of the year to get questions answered...feel like i can't move on until i've done that.

[Redbel]

Zammo,
If you where seeing this guy for a year on a casual basis and he hadn't committed to you I don't think he ever will.
I understand you need closure to this....but are you thinking in the back of your mind....one more try. I think 12 months was enough time for him to make up his mind.

Zammo if thats what you feel you need to do by seeing him one more time.....go for it and get those questions answered.....xx

[Zammo]

Thanks Redbell, I realise that nothing is ever going to happen between us but i need to do all i can to move on and i feel the only way i can is if i speak to him directly...not sure what i'm going to say though. :-(

[Amiira]

Zammo, I was with someone for 4 years. One year drifted into another, with no talk of future plans (from him). We finished, and got back together numerous times. Recently we parted, and I needed closure. But he didnt.

Looking back now, I really regret hanging around for 4 years.

My advice would be to not see him anymore. Its easier to just make the break now.

I wish you luck x

[Zammo]

Thank you Amiira, I know you're right but it's so much easier said than done. The way I've been seeing it is it's like a book, i'd never start a new one until i'd finished the one i was reading...sounds silly i know but can't think of another way i could get closure apart from speaking to him and get questions answered. If i could think of another way, or you could suggest another way I'd maybe do it.

[Redbel]

No probs Zammo......but I agree with what Amiira has said....make the break now....you will find yourself hanging around waiting for this guy and before you know it years will have passed, with you still waiting for something that is never going to happen.

Take care xx

[Amiira]

Zammo, I know exactly what you mean about closure. I wanted closure with my ex, but he refused to acknowledge me. (nice huh, after 4 years)

If you really want to speak to him, and he is willing to talk to you too, then go for it (going back on what I said above!) But beware, that he may talk you back into going out with him again. And maybe a part of you wants that? (just guessing)

But you need to know where you stand.

[jno]

actually, I think you know just where you stand! Interesting that although he won't commit, he keeps persuading you not to go - clearly he thinks he's on to a good thing and isn't in a hurry to let it go until he sees something better. (With an attitude like that, he may never get so lucky again, and perhaps he knows it.)

As for you, though... you know the truth already; you spell it out in your question. You like him, he doesn't feel the same way. I know what you mean about closure - but I think closure is something you do for yourself, by acknowledging the truth and acting on it, rather than hanging around with the excuse that it's somehow his duty to set you free. It's your duty to yourself. Don't wqait for his permission. Pack and go! Good luck, girl!

[Zammo]

Thanks jno, really understand where you're coming from but i'd just love for him to be honest with me hence the fact that I want to see him and talk to him so instead of me 2nd guessing the way he feels i'd actually hear it from the horses mouth which is a lot easier to accept and move on from. Saying that i do like what you had to say. :-)

[jno]

oh, I know it'd be nice to hear the truth from him even if you already know what it is. But it puts you in his hands, leaving him able to control whether you go or not. That's not good... especially as I have a sneaking suspicion what his response is going to be.

[laurence2]

i can't see where your going with this '' closure thing''.

I agree with jno here, i think your either hoping for one last chance, or for him to admit the relationship has been a failure on his behalf, you've admitted you really like him and your pretty sure he dosen'y feel the way about you, theirs the final chapter in your book, you don't even know what questions your going to ask him, so how do you close it out then?
I feel that you don't like rejection, and you can't understand why he's not interested in you, and its eating away at you, hes hardly going to pay you compliments if you require ''answers'' before you split up, theirs many men out their who see a good thing and take advantage of it, he knows if he says the right things to you, it will buy him more time etc, its best not to contact him even tho you like to close things out this way, if the boot was on the other foot, do you honestly think he would want to close things out before he moves on?.
i just think he'll hurt you {verbally wise} if you insist on answers, just close this book, and pick up another one, don't look back, look to the future

Best of luck

[4getmenot]

believe me I've had this for 10 years, split up, get back together, he does his own thing, you arent allowed to do yours, so I'm now at this moment in time not even contacting him, his number is deleted out my phone, if he comes back then fair enough but only as a mate. I want the same, new year, fresh start and all that. He never wanted me, but no-one else could have me so I'm giving someone else a chance next year. :-)

[Octavius]

Well I agree with all the above really. Nothing new to add, other than I would forget trying to analyse where the relationship went wrong by meeting up and talking things over (you would usually try to do this before things fell apart).

You have already made up your own mind that things aren't as they should be, the relationship is going nowhere and there are particular reasons for that. There is clearly no long term potential or real commitment in this relationship and finding answers to certain questions will not achieve closure, but just open up more wounds and create more questions. I would just move on, life is too short to wait around.

Some things are best left unsaid.

[Pea Pod]

Short answer... You will be no wiser as men seldom tell the truth.

[helster]

Hi, Zammo.
I had a very similar situation about 2 years ago. I was very casually seeing a guy who I was besotted with. I'd wait for texts from him and I was basically doing all the work. Eventually I realised that he was never going to want to be with me properly. One of my friends said to me, after watching a programme with an interview with an author of a book that said `he's just not that into you. The book was aimed at people who are trying to work out what went wrong etc and work out what certain things mean. It was harsh but true. I ended it and now I'm with a man who is besotted with me for a change! I've never been so happy. Dump him and start 2007 with a clean slate. You dersevce to be with someone who'll give u everything you want. hx

[dot.hawkes]

I have just finished a 16 year relationship due to the mistrust I had for him and the constant doubts, seems like such a waste as most of those years I spent being mad at him tut, never mind, life goes on.

[Zammo]

THANK YOU helster!!! Love your comment, it's really cheered me up. :-)

[jno]

no wonder I haven't seen you for a while, dot - hopefully you can find something in 16 years to look back on with pleasure...
Zammo, here's the book helster mentioned, worth reading for what it says about painful truths:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hes-Just-That-into-Und erstanding/dp/0007198213/sr=1-1/qid=1166561449 /ref=sr_1_1/026-7480923-5862064?ie=UTF8&s=book s

[jno]

... and good luck to 4get as well, sorry, I overlooked your post before... a lot of new year resolutions about getting a new life are coming up, methinks