Problem

[Scotman84]

My daughter is the single mother of an incredibly cute 16 month old daughter. Both of them spent a great deal of time with us over the festive season, because her current 'partner' has aspergers and doesn't like being around lots of people. He is also a 'goth' and is into 'death metal music'. As most of you can imagine, this does not endear him to me, but the other day, my daughter told me that my grand-daughter will not let her partner bath her, or have anything to do with her. She apparently screams and cries whenever he comes near her. Forgive me for being a pessimist, but I have only thought of one reason! How can I speak to my daughter about this - as I'm sure she could not even think of the abuse thing - but I'm worried. Oh - and just to add - this question is on behalf of my wife too.

[curlylfim]

difficult, but people with aspergers have no social skills and have difficulty dealing and bonding with even those they love, and young children can hold grudges for no apperant reason, try the following site, though you may want to re-word the question, just ask about the bonding bit, your probably just being over protective, which is not wrong, the users of this are mainly adults who have aspergers, and give good advice from their own personal experiances

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/

[Scotman84]

Thanks Curly, believe me I have read all there is to read about the condition, and have come to terms with its negative side. The question was posted because the problem has only become apparent recently - within the last month, so that is why I'm concerned. Prior to that, there had been no problems.

[curlylfim]

always going to be a difficult question, especially when asking your daughter, if you don't say anything, and was correct...or if you do, both are extremely hard choices, but in my limited knowledge, children can be funny, me step granddaughter would not go near her other grandfather, when she was the same age, for 6 months because he had shouted at her...
i just wish it all turns out for the better

[noxlumos]

Lots of reasons a child could or would behave like this. Our older daughter has always favoured me ahead of my wife, for no apparent reason and we just accepted it. When she was 12 months to 3 years it was particularly noticeable with her eally letting rip if she wanted to stay with me rather than go with my wife .Behaviour like that from a young child is nothing terribly unusual especially when you consider that her father has aspergers and will relate differently to her than the rest of you. Young children are very savvy at sensing differences in people at that age and aligning themselves to the group. I'd imagine that this is what she's doing. To be honest it sounds as if you don't like him very much, or approve of him, so could I suggest that whatever you do choose to say to your daughter you consider it very carefully as it's a horrible allegation and most people won't take a suggestion like that lying down.

[curlylfim]

sorry to add this, but i agree with nox, about your relationship with him, hes just better with words than me

[joko]

you say he is a goth - does he do all the piercings and black makeup etc?. perhaps she is just a bit scared of this - you know thinks hes a scary monster?

also i am assming that he is not her real dad, so maybe she is just a bit too clingy for mummy?


i would certainly keep your eye on him, but dont go accusing him.

[Scotman84]

Thanks for all of your replys folks, and yes Joko - he does have all the piercings and bright red hair, but he has had these since my grand-daughter knew him (since birth) yet this has happened only within the past month. She has known him as 'dad' for her whole life. Maybe, as suggested, it's just that I don't like the guy, although I have made every effort to communicate, he will only talk to me with his back to me - can you blame me!
But maybe I'm just paranoid - I'll see how things progress. Thank you all.

[JonBonJovi]

okay things you need to put aside.
Your indifference or dislike of him because of the way he looks and the music he listens to.
I myself am a mother, listen to heavy metal, would be considered a goth by outsiders, work in welfare, have a husband who listen to death metal, the list goes on.
My daughter is 19mths old and hates her father giving her bath simply because she doesn't like the way he washes her hair. we only established this as the reason after he watched how I bath her and saw her reaction to my bathing methods.
Young children up to even 7 will have very minor similar reasons for hating someone bathing them and can't tell why and even the parents will have a very difficult time working out why. In our case our daughter only liked her father giving her a bath for the first 7mths of her life.
Just because a person has a disorder does not mean that the negative feeling a child has towards them is because of abuse.
So many times I have come across cases of wrong accusations of abuse from family members because they simply mis-understand a situation or have negative feelings.This then causes so much pain and tears families apart.

[noxlumos]

The communication thing is hard I know if you are unused to people with Aspergers, but try to understand that he is trying his very best. Better surely that he's making the very real effort to talk to you ( even with his back to you) than making no effort. He's doing amazingly well in forming and maintaining a relationship with your daughter and her child, so try to give him, and by default them, all the support you can without necessarily thinking the worst of him.
there is always way more to people than their appearance, dress sense and the music they listen to. I have a 4 year old who displays ASD signs and I hope he goes on to have the fullet life possible, but he does behave unusually now so I can only assume that as an adult he may continue to do so to some degree and may encounter the kind of issues you've described above.
If he makes your daughter happy and she's an intelligent and level headed girl then I'm sure she'd sense anything truly wrong, so if possible try and bear with them and the teething problems they might have whilst they construct their family.

[daisy48]

Scotman, My youngest son (age 21) is an "Aspie" and believe me your daughter's partner's behaviour is typical. My son,although very clever as with most "Aspie's" still lack's in social skills. He cant (Not WONT) interact with people and if he does it's very short and sweet. Again, "Aspie's tend to hone in on something and relish it,like my son who, although knows all the up to date songs has a collection of 80's music which he would'nt part with for anything. I've met a lot of Aspie's and have found them all to be kind,well mannered people. Many marry and have kids whilst other's tend not to be bothered. I appreciate your concern Scotman but as other's say, I would think it's the Goth look that could be scaring the little one. Asperger's are very gentle and abhor violence. They would prefer to retreat into a corner or another room. It could be the chap had "Honed In" on Goth's. If your daughter has any doubt's about her partner bathing her baby then she must gently explain to him.

[larkin]

Great response from Jon Bon Jovi - never thought I would find myself on the same stage !
I am a 'normal' mum with'normal' brown hair. No piercings, no tattoos ...call me boring if you like.
My son is 6, but until he was 5 hated me bathing him. Still don't know why but now he is fine.Not as much fun as daddy I suspect. Who knows.
There are many, many other reasons for this than abuse so please tread carefully HOWEVER if you have genuine concerns then they really must be addressed at the earliest opportunity.
Do you have any other reasons to suggest anything untoward ?
Is the child like this with him at other times other than bath times ?

[Pippa68]

I agree with the others.

My eldest daughter is an Aspie and a Goth..I have thought that these two things come hand in hand as Goths tend to be far less judgemental than mainstream folk ;o) my youngest daughter (5) doesn't like contact with my eldest as she (the eldest) is very 'stiff' with her movements and I think this makes the little one feel less confident in allowing her big sister to lift her, bath her etc.

I also agree that children often latch on to one adult at a time, and may go through phases of preferring one over another.

As for your fears, I think you can put those out of your mind! your grandaughter is still very young and in my experience of young toddlers it is quite usual at this age to kick up a stink with regards to general care ~ at this age they are still sussing out relationships and gtting to grips with the knowledge that they are a separate person to anyone else.

I would cut your daughters partner some slack ~ no matter how hard you find it. Only now is my daughter telling me how hurt she was at being rejected by her school peers for being 'weird'.

[poopy]

Oh thats terrible. Im a true believer in following your instincts - in cases like this you cant afford not too.

The only way you can approach this is to have a word with your daughter, either you say nothing and it will all come out eventually (but then could you forgive yourself if he has) or you could sit your daughter down be open & honest about your fears - even if she doesnt listen to you or shrugs it off, it will stimulate her into keeping an eye out and investigating this for herself.

Either way it must be very difficult for you. Good luck, lets hope its nothing.