Why do people lie.

[maggie01]

My husband has always told white lies since I met him about 40yrs ago but lately it has got so bad that I don't know whether to believe what he says or not. He says he does it because it saves any aggrevation but it is causing huge problems now. He is good at lying but not very good at remembering what he says so he is constantly tripping himself up. I feel uneasy when he is out on his own ( I have always been a bit insecure) but these lies are just making it worse. I try to talk to him and ask him why he does it ( I think when he used to tell white ones when he was younger, it was to make his life sound more interesting) but I think he gets embarrased and then gets annoyed and walks out so nothing gets sorted. It is making our lives so unhappy but I don't know how to cope with it. He works for himself so I never really know where he is or what he is up to. I find even talking to him is getting impossible because I am constantly wondering what is true and what is made up. We have been married 40yrs this year and I feel it is a bit sad things are like this.

[ummmm1]

I lived with a man like this so you have my 100% sympathy. I left him though because I hated the lies (and he was a tw*t as well) The only place for lies in this life is to protect someones feelings and thats it. I really dont know what you can do about it because I think its a bit late for him to change now.

[maggie01]

I suppose when you are younger, you don't take too much notice or make excuses but it is now that I feel we should be doing things together and I always thought we would be soulmates. We have known each other since we were 16. We have never split up and if I bring the subject up, he always says that's not what he wants. Now I am beginning to think this is what we should have done years ago but it is a bit late now. We are going to have a chat when he comes home later this evening but I won't hold my breath how far we will get before he starts behaving like he is having a mild heart attack and I have to give up and just leave it with nothing resolved.

[Quizmonkey]

If I discover a person has lied to me then they are out of my life - instantly. You've partly brought this on yourself as you knew about his lying and tolerated it from day one. Time for an ultimatum now presumably.

[maggie01]

I know what you are saying quizmonkey and in a way I have to agree but it didn't seem to matter that much as they were just silly lies. It is only now we are older (both 60 this year) that it is really getting to me. He seems to think he is a single man and as long as I have a roof over my head and food etc then what difference does it make what he says. Then he turns it round to being my fault that he says these things. Sometimes I can accept this as there are times I may not see eye to eye about something and perhaps moan a bit more than I should . Perhaps it's too late to be boosom buddies but hopefully we can make an improvement. I am being nieve again I know 'cause deep down I know he probably can't help himself.

[raysparx1]

maggie, you really need to sort this out, you have been together a long time, it is now you should be relaxing and enjoying the time you have together, tell him you need a serious talk and you want him to just sit and listen to you for 5 minutes, the trouble with people that tell lies is, in the end they can't tell the difference betwween fact and fantasy,he may even believe what he is saying, I really hope you can get through to him how upsetting this is, ask him how he would feel if you told him lies, how would he like it not knowing when you were being honest with him, wish you good luck, Ray

[maggie01]

Thanks Ray. I think you have hit the nail on the head. He doesn't know the difference between reality and lies. I hope we get something sorted too. Many thanks!

[raysparx1]

Hi maggie, do you mind me asking if you are now on your own after the children have left home and you two have slowly been drifting apart ? if this is the case you really need to rediscover who the other one is cos all you life you have been concentrating all your efforts into the kids,now they have flown the nest what have you two got in common ? maybe you can start doing the things you used to do together, pictures, picnic, a walk along the beach, theatre, all the simple things you did when you first met, there must be an ember glowing beneath the surface that needs re-kindling,it has got to be worth working at, cos at the moment you sound very sad, what will you do when you both retire ? we all take each other for granted to a certain extent, and life can become a bit of a habit, why not even just say to him one night come on we are going away for the weekend ? mind you if you haven't had children all I have said is utter rubbish and I apologise, good luck maggie, Ray

[maggie01]

I have two daughter's and four grandchildren. He is quite successfull in his work and feels time is running out for him. Therefore he is trying to do all the things he can now afford to do. Unfortunately it is either do things he likes to do together or nothing at all. He is also a workaholic. He is a very materialistic person whereas I probably think about the future more. I am sure there must be something there somewhere but it just needs finding. I think as you say we do tend to take each other for granted and because we met so young, we have never known anyone else. I have my faults also, so I think we just have to both make the effort.

[raysparx1]

That is the the thing maggie BOTH, not just you, I know some people fear retiring and growing old but he needs to realise that life is fragile, we are here and then in the blinking of an eye we are gone, material things are nothing as you know, but love is priceless, good luck maggie, take care, Ray

[maggie01]

Well we have had our chat. He sees nothing wrong in his behavour and is quite happy as he is. I wish now I had not had a chat but he ho that's life. Thanks for listening.

[raysparx1]

maggie, it really sounds like you are drifting apart,but it is only you that realises it, it needs pointing out to him cos he is either in denial of it, doesn't care or really does think things are ok, but it is no good things just being ok for him is it, sit him down in front of your computer and let him read your question,then he might just get the hint, at the moment he is coming across to me as a bit selfish and as long as he is happy all is ok with the world,but it isn't, is it. good luck maggie, won't be easy, Ray

[LostStar]

Hello. I think he really needs to realise what you are really worth - because it sure sounds like he's stopped appreciating you- ask him if he cares whether or not you trust him ? Without trust in a relationship everything else can be worthless. I agree with Ray - that he appears a bit selfish, maybe he knows something is wrong but is scared to admit it (?) and hopes it'll go away by itself. (so keep perservering, a marrige has lasted 40 years already for a reason.) Everybody knows it's so much easier to pretend there isn't a problem especially when it has gone on for so long. And you've done the main thing by bringing it up with him. Tell him how unhappy this is making you and after a while if he still doesn't come round, then you have tried your best and then it's time to think of yourself for once. It's his problem and not your fault. You will know you at least tried your best. Good luck, i hope all works out for you.x

[maggie01]

We went for a meal last night. It is easier to say what you want to say in public because there is no way you are going to have words for everyone to hear. It was nice. It is going to be hard work and I feel it is going to be a 60-40 effort but at least we haven't got to the point were we hate each other. He still feels life is going to quickly and he has to work all hours god sends to be able to do the things he wants and nothing i say will stop him but (my words not his) I think it is more me who wants the relationship to work better as I feel he is so busy doing the things he wants to that if nothing changed he would still be happy buy being the person I am, I have to think of the future when he can no longer afford to do these expensive hobbies he has and we have to spend time together. If we don't make an effort now , it will be a miserable retirement. It is not going to happen overnight and you can't expect fireworks after 40yrs. but it is still worth working at. Once again thanks for listening.

[WendyS]

Despite being married for 40 years I wonder if you are investing too much of your own life in this partnership and whether you have any outside interests of your own. You say you are dreading his retirement but even long term happily married couples often need some space apart where they can indulge in their separate interests. Perhaps if you could build some outside relationships and hobbies where you can mix and socialise with other people he might start to value you a little more. I suspect that after 40 years he's probably not going to change his habit of telling lies, whether they're little ones or big ones. Perhaps if you were just suddenly to start taking off on your own for various activities (yoga, dance classes, a new evening class activity etc), posh yourself up and say "I'm just going out for a couple of hours" it might trigger a wake-up up call and help him to realise that two can play at this game. If you show that you also realise that time is running out for you too and you want to get some more fun out of your life, perhaps he might get the message.

[bounce]

Does sound you two are drifting apart or his so set in his business he cant lift his head up to see whats going on. Go for a long holiday sounds like he needs a break from work. Any kind of lies cant great when you are in a relationship with the person or he doesnt sound comfortable with you. I know my answer isnt direct and simply but I hope it helps. x

[maggie01]

That is half the problem bounce. He loves his work, so it is no harship to go to work and work as many hours as god sends. He earns good money but cannot afford time off now because he has an expensive hobby which takes a lot of funding. So as long as work is there he will do it and any spare time which is usually Sunday is spent on his hobby. He also goes out with friends once or twice a week straight from work. As we get closer to the summer and the lighter nights are here, he will probably be home even less. I go out with friends but not on a regular basis but I don't want to give up on my marriage just yet. I suppose somehow it's down to me to in some way to make home life exciting enough to want to be at home. Tough task but I know complaining is not the answer. We have had tough times in the past but somehow we always seem to stick together. I'll keep working at it and see what happens.

[bounce]

Why dont you join him with his work mates after work?

[suzi-q]

I agree with WendyS. Why don't you start to do some things that you enjoy and start to make a little life of your own. Maybe he will sit up and take notice if you are not so tied up in him.

Life is so precious, its a shame if you spend all of yours worrying about him and not enjoying your own life.