bullied?

[pigsmightfly]

I feel bullied into having sex with my b/f whenever he wants it. He goes all moody if i don't feel like it and it has got so bad over the last few years, that i only really have sex to avoid an argument. I dont think i have a particularly low sex drive, twice a week is more than enough for me. When this happens, because i have to admit, its not every week due to circumstances, although even if we dont have full sex, we do other things,it' s not enough for him and he's always saying that we never have sex, making so much more of an issue of it than it actually is. I dont associate sex with love anymore but with arguments.To me the whole things makes me feel bitter and like its a chore.I feel so sad and this has put so much pressure on our releationship. I do love him but to me, its not the be all and end all of everything. What can we do when we have differing sex drives, Is there anything or do i have to just put up with it?

[pigsmightfly]

Ok MrBen, i take on board what you're saying but the thing is, in all honesty, i have been compromising for years now and doing things that make me unhappy but what makes me the most unhappy is feeling like thats all im there for. I have seen things from his pointof view which is why i tend to do things just to please him rather than myself and because i cant stand the arguments. He is generally a childish man so it shouldnt really be a surprise and yes, you are right, there is way more to it than i could ever put in here. My main issue with this whole thing is that he does get sex, i dont deny him, but on odd occasions where it cant happen (visitors, kids awake, up for work,things to do etc..) he still makes me feel like its all my fault and i think thats unfair.I do look after him :-) so to speak in other ways so my point isnt that i feel he's hard done to but that he is greedy and selfish on this matter.

[MrBen5]

Ahhh, sorry pigsmightfly, i didnt realise he wanted it when you was busy or if you had company. I was thinking about in bed. etc. I misunderstood. Sorry, i actually understand why you would feel like you do. it wouldnt be nice to just feel like you had to do it there and then because he wanted it. I am not surprised you feel used.
He sounds a selfish guy actually now. Maybe you have been with him too long and he is too used to getting what he wants. Once a guy gets controlling like that, your fcuked i am afraid. Especially at his age. He isnt gonna change his ways easily. Only thing i can suggest is to have a proper chat, but dont just stay together becuase there are kids involved, as you would do more harm to them than good. Kids sense a lot more going on than you think.
Good luck...

[pigsmightfly]

I do appreciate that MrBen. It is very difficult to explain a situation properly on here .We have a young child and if he wakes up before he gets what he wants then thats it, im in trouble. He accuses me of pretending to be asleep until its too late, no matter what the time and has even told me i should set the alarm clock!!!!! So you see, i wasnt over reacting, i just wish i was. It has taken over any common sense he ever had. If we have someone staying over at the house, he still expects it and i find that sort of situation uncomfortable. We have talked on numerous occassions but we seem to go round in circles with it. He deals with it by getting moody and starting a row, i deal with it by just giving in sometimes or putting up with his moods. He also manages to turn any disagreement we have around to this subject. Very frustrating.
As i said, i do appreciate everyones input and advice and it has just been good to get it off my chest a little bit. Thank you

[LostStar]

Surely MrB, with him getting it about 2 times a week, that's hardly expecting him to forget about it.

Pigsmightfly, read the very first line of the first suggestion from Andy: "you do not have to put up with it." Because the main problem is him wanting more than he's getting and not the sex in general, then having a chat wouldn't be a bad idea - he surely can't be sexually frustrated, but maybe by having sex he does get some kind of emotional release out of it? And if he is having troubles in other areas of his life, maybe he doesn't know how else to express it and then comes out with his sulking after he doesn't get. It's a good thing for us all to not get what we want all the time, because it'll make us appreciate what we have when we do get.

Pigsmightfly: - It is still unacceptable and at the least he owes you is an explanation to the way he is behaving and also an apology. One thing that does come across is your love for him and you say he is a good man in many other ways, what about pointing these out when you have your chat? - so that he can be reassured you are not just nagging (i do not think you are, but men always think we are, whether it is constructive critisism is another matter...! - the poor b*ggers) You are still with him, so he must have good points too which you can emphasise, but he should also turn around with the good points about the part you play in your relationship (even if it is giving more than you receive), possibly tell him he has to smarten up his act though otherwise his spoilt child behaviour could drive you away. the best of luck, i hope things work out. But remember, you do deserve change and worst come to the worst, no matter how much his good bits can try to justify why you should stay with him, if you really are not happy, then it's time to move on.xxx

[LostStar]

By reading your last couple of posts i think you already know where this is heading if he doesnt get himself together soon. This might be a totally silly suggestion, but how about showing him this post - leaving him alone to read it? If you are not in the room he cannot get on at you and also once his anger has passed, maybe the scope of it; the reality will hit home?

[pigsmightfly]

LostStar, has anyone ever told you you speak a lot of sense? such kind words too and i do feel you understand my situation totally. Once again, thank you and i will take on board everything that has been said. .

[andy-hughes]

Hello again MrBen5 - firstly, thank you for your apology - accepted of course, in the spirit of debate and exchange of views.

I have to re-post again, because I simply cannot agree with you that pigsmightfly's partner is any way remotely justified in behaving the way he does if sex is not forthcoming on demand - and demand does appear to tbe the salient issue here.

He is not 'going through hell' as you put it! We are talking about sex and any mature caring loving man should be able to simply accept that his partner is simply not interested 24/7, and because he loves and cares for her, and because sex is simply a part of their relationship, and not the be-all-and-end-all, he can just learn to go without it!

He won;t explode, he won;t get lumps behind his ears, he will just learn to accept that he has subjugated his own desires, on occasion, for the sake of his partner, and I repeat - to do any other is selfish and totally unreasonable, reducing her to his sex object and nothing more.

No wonder pigsmightfly is fed up with this behaviour. This man is being a manipulative bully because he can't have his own way - God knows where he has got the idea that his orgasm is so important that he can upset her because he can;t have one when ever he wants. It's not that she withdraws from him, or teases, or pouts, or throws a paddy like he does, she simply doesn't want sex as often as he does.

So what's wrong with "OK darling, I understand ..." and MEANING IT!