Cheating

[louiseclair]

My friend has found out her husband has been seeing other women since they got married a few years ago. She read his phone messages which were pretty graphic, and has seen his credit card bills on which there are random nights in hotels. She's choosing to ignore what she knows and is acting like nothing's up. I know it's eating her up inside...what do i do?

If i can pursuade her to confront him, what should she say?

[chitchat]

Its probably best if you let her deal with this in her own way. We are all different and she might not thank you for interfering. All you can do is tell her that you are there for her if and when she needs you.

[1sleepychik]

why would your friend ignore this? is she afraid to be alone? or is it an economic issue where she has become dependent on him and cannot go it on her own?

infidelity in a marriage is completely unacceptable. if it was going on all along, he had no business marrying her or she him if he clearly was not ready to commit - never mind family members and their "expectations", because i know people give in to that. or if this was something that arose as time passed, i would advise seeking out a counselor because she needs to know what she has not been giving him that he apparently needs, whether mentally or physically. that's IF she really wanted to save her marriage.

she needs to confront him either to throw him out and start divorce proceedings or otherwise. she needs his full undivided attention and she needs to present the proof and ask questions. at least hear him out. it may be tempting, but she shouldn't start yelling. if he has a feeling bone in his body, he should tell her why and accept the responsibility for his actions. no sense dangling her along.
it's disgusting.

the only thing i wonder is if there are kids involved?

[louiseclair]

There are no kids involved, and she's an independent woman usually. They're actually both living 100 miles apart from each other due to their jobs and only see each other at weekends.

I think that once she confronts him she'll be ok...it's just getting that initial courage to say something to him. The fact is she read his text messages...i think that's what she's bothered about admitting. They hardly ever sleep together anymore in the sexual way, but when they're together it's usually lovely. No arguing and lots of snuggling.

Thanks for the advice anyway!

[jno]

stay out of it. It's her decision; all you can do as a friend is be supportive of her choice. After all, if you urged her to dump him and she decided not to, where would that leave you? Unpopular with both sides, I should think.

[flipflop104]

Maybe she's been up to the same thing herself (if they live miles apart) and if that's how their relationship works then it's nobody's business but theirs - just because it's not your idea of a "conventional" relationhip doesn't mean it doesn't work for others.

[louiseclair]

Please don't try and justify this flipflop104!!! It's not her idea of a normal thing, and it's really not working for her.

I'm not interfering...she has now asked my advice on how to confront him and i'm trying to help.

Does anyone else actually think this is a 'normal' and 'conventional' relationship.

[sam100]

I have a friend in the same situation!!! i would imagine that at the moment she is feeling so hurt, confused and rejected...
I would not push her to do anything at this stage but what she does need is a really great friend to be there day and night to be a good ear and a shoulder to cry on...shes probably in denile at the mo.
May she be ignoring it as she is scared to be alone or because of finanial difficulties etc?
If she confronts him i would encourage her to be armed with proof or even better catch him while his pants are down! If she knows a hotel he is using regularly i would get her to turn up and drop her right in it!
I would then get her to go shopping and to go and treat herself as she deserves it!
Does the other women have a family, is she married and are their children involved?
She's got to go in with her head held high as he is a real lying scumbag to do this to her!!! and he is sooo not worth it!! He's never going to change so get out now as half her marriage is based on lies and does she really need that?
Him and his bit of stuff deserve each other!!! Take an ad out in the local paper saying "WANTED FOR ADULTERY..." and print both their pictures....RESULT!!!!

[cakes]

I would just let her handle the situation on her own. She just might have done wrong in the past herself and just looking at the problem as pay back the big pay back and then she will start from there.