Just lost my Mum x

[peppy]

Can anybody explain why I feel so much more lost, alone and devastated after losing my Mum than I did when I lost my Dad ?

I always knew it was going to be bad, but that word doesn't even begin to cover it.

On top of grieving, I'm trying to cope with guilt over my feelings. It's only just over a month ago, so I accept the ' time heals' thing, but just need a bit of help x x

[porfavour]

Hi again peppy,

Can now see why you need some chat and general B&S.
Please accept my condolences and heart felt compassion.

You appear to have lost both your parents in short period of time - nothing takes away the pain, or your tragic sense of loss.

If you are female, I imagine your guilt is based on the teenage arguments, her coming to terms with her husbands death, her being the only 'brick-in-your wall'.

Please talk to your doctor and also go to the library and get some books, on the journey through bereavement. You will read about the various emotions you will encounter and find advice with how to cope. They cover anger, disbelieve, guilt, along with the rest of the emotional 'big-dipper'.

I wish I could give you a few simple words or encouragement - but I am not a doctor, and I really reccommend you seek out proper advice and assisstance. These people are trained to help you, and will be able to recemmend you to support groups.

Please get some help, there is no shame attached, it takes a big person to ask.

Chin up hun, and more help just look in Body and Soul.
p

[jno]

losing a second parent marks a big transition: you are no longer 'the younger generation' (as you still are while one parent is alive). It means your childhood is gone forever; your life is now up to you alone. It also brings us closer to knowledge of our own mortality because it means we will be the next to go (no matter how young we are).

This is apart from the personal feelings we each have for our own parents, which also cause us to grieve. It's true that time heals, but we are never quite the same afterwards. What you are feeling is normal, though that doesn't make it any easier to bear. Hopefully you have friends or family of your own who will now be the focus of your new life.

[WendyS]

Losing the first parent is a great shock. Death, whilst all around us, never hits closer than this. And often we feel closer to one parent than another. In your case this was obviously your mother and the fact that you have now lost her and feel an orphan is a double cause for grief. One grows up imagining that ones parents will live for ever and suddenly when this sense of immortality is broken, it can be very difficult to come to terms with. The sense of loss can be almost overwhelming initially, especially when it leaves such a large gap in your life.
All I can say to comfort you is that there are various stages of grief from bereavement which we all have to pass through, although not necessarily in the same order - disbelief, anger, guilt, sadness and then finally acceptance. But none of us can hurry the grieving process. It must travel at its own pace, sometimes returning again and again to pick at the open sores . But in time the acute pain will fade and one day you will suddenly wake up and realise that you're feeling a sense of acceptance that has eluded you for a long time. . Just try and hang onto all the good memories and a sense of gratitude for all that your Mum meant to you.

[lilacben]

I have the it the other way round. I lost my mum and I can still feel the pain 18 years on. My dad died five years later. But when he died I didnt grieve for him. Instead I have been grieving for my mum ever since. I do feel very guilty feeling this way. I am the only one so have no one to turn too. My husband is one of three and he just can't understand it.
Please peppy dont feel guilty about this as it will eat you up.I think we are so very much closer to our mums after all she did give birth to us.
Have a word with your doctor and go and see a councillor now, sooner rather than later. The pain will subside.
all my thoguhts are with you. Brenda x

[amonty1144]

Hi peppy,
I'm very sorry for your los, I lost my mum xmas day 2006 and on some days it is still very hard.
What you are feeling is perfectly natural, my advice is don't keep the feelings in, find someone to talk to whether professional or not. Take time for yourself and most of all enjoy the good things in your life. Your mum wouldn't want you to be unhappy for ever. There is an excellent poem by Christina Rosseti called remember me

[CHRISTINE175]

Condolences to you peppy.
I know it's an old cliche but time is a great healer. I lost my mum 9 years ago - months before I was due to get married. I constantly dreamt about her and felt her around me and took comfort from that.
I have photos of her all around the house and every now & then I dig out an old photo album & have a wee bubble to myself.
I greatly believe in 'the other side' and am sure she is with her parents and younger siblings, and watching over me constantly.
Regards. Christine x