Absent Father

[Mei_Li]

How can I advise my friend? I think he's making a huge mistake.
A very good friend of mine never sees his Daughter. When he found out the baby was his he was over joyed and got engaged to the Mother. That didn't work out and now he never sees his daughter who is 5. I don't think he ever got the guts to tell his Mum the baby was his and I don't believe his girlfriend of 4years knows either. I know it was painful for him to agree to not see her, and it was just until she'd be old enough to understand who he is. He's in the forces and wouldn't get to see her much anyway, but I think he should be part of her life so she doesn't grow up resenting an Absent father exactly the way he does with his biological father. I would normally mind my own business but I really feel its something that'll nag at him all his life and the longer it is the harder it'll be to make contact again.

[curlyperm]

Hi Mei-li ..............difficult one this, as some (i mean the people directly involved) may see it as interfering? With regards to his Mother and present Girlfriend not knowing, i really would not get involved in that one! (could cause more harm than good) as for the 'Absent Father' er............well you cant force him, but could you not get some recent photo's of the child maybe, with the mothers permission? and maybe if he see's her again he might start to change his mind, enough to just meet up, or at least show the little girl some pictures of her 'Daddy' its probably gonna take longer that you would like, but there are a lot of people involved here, and one mistake (like rushing it) could blow the whole thing?
i would have a word with the childs mother (if you are in touch with her) she probably would like the child to know him too, but i think the first step is up to him?
Good luck, probably not very good advice, but its just my thoughts x

[Cheekystar]

I'm 27 and after my parents broke up I asked my dad via a letter to be more involved in my life and he has rejected me. Encourage your friend to build bridges now and not to leave it till his daughter is my age and its too late to mend the past.

[Bohne]

I don't understand how it all evolved.
He agreed not to see her?
Who with, the mother?

If they made a decision like that, did they plan any further, like when the right time would be to introduce him again?

Personally I don't approve of a plan like this.
My husband is in the Army, too, and if we split up, it might not be easy to see his son on a regular basis, but I would definitely make sure that he would be able to stay in touch, and his son knew who he was.

I, however would not run after him, if he decided not to be part of his son's life.
That would be his loss.

And somehow, in your case it seems to me, that your friend's interest in his daughter is not all that big.
If in four years he's never even mentioned her to his girlfriend.
But, being an outsider, and only knowing part of the story, I might be totally wrong.

In any case, it is his decision, mention your concern to him ONCE, but do not interfere any further.

[Mei_Li]

Thanks for all your answers. I've taken on board all your comments. I think I'll approach the subject one more time when I think he's willing to have a full discusion and then just leave it with him, knowing that if he needs any moral support he has my backing.
Thanks again