15 year old time bomb!

[minibusman]

my dayghter is 15 and a half and has been seeing a boy of about the same age for almost a year now. He is a real low life... excluded from school in trouble with the police smaking dope and the list goes on....she has already ran away once but we got her back the same night. Now she says that when she is 16 she is leaving home and i am at my whitts end!! it is like living with a time bomb we have tried all aproaches to resolve this at first like most first time parents of teenagers we dug in our heels and banned them from seeing each other then we sat back and said o.k see him (but with conditions) i have found out that she has put herself on the pill (probably one of her better ideas in retrospect) but she is a good girl realy and he has her totally where he wants her...even her friends are laughing at her but she runs after him like a little lamb...i just sit crying most of the time wondering where i have gone wrong....if anyone has the same sort of situation please help....thanx

[Mammar]

I'm not in the same situation but just wanted to extend a hand of friendship so you don't feel quite so alone.
I had something similar when one of my daughters went out with a bloke who we could all see was an absolute waster but it took her ages to see it.
I didn't ban him from the house or seeing her but I was totally honest with her and when he (or she, for that matter) did something I disapproved of, I told them. I wanted her to be able to compare the difference between our set of values and his and make a choice.
I'm pleased your daughter has enough maturity to put herself on the pill (see, you brought her up sensibly if she thought of that) but make sure she realises about the chance of STD's too.
Does she listen to you at all? If so, you could try sitting her down, ask her about her plans for the future and listen to her. Try to point out the problems to her gently so you plant a seed in her mind about just how hard her life is likely to be if she persists in leaving home at such an early age. If you're on good terms with her friends, perhaps you could ask them to talk to her as she's more likely to value their opinions.
I hope some of these suggestions may help. I understand your feelings but now you have to be strong and calm for her. Make sure she realises there's always a safe place for her with you.
I wish you all the best.

[minibusman]

hi mammar,
thankx for that... you ask if we are on good terms... well sometimes... usualy when she has not been with him for a day or 2... her friends are great but at the moment the only person who she listens to is him... i did tell her that she would be ruining her life but in the vein of kevin & perry she informed me that that was her plan and turned into a stroppy teenager...which of corse that is what she is... not an adult ready to set up home with a waster... i will try talking again obviously but i also have to contend with his mum who is encouraging them to stay together (she says she is good for him)...... thanx for the ear though it has helped.

[lizzydrippin]

Hi There, Its going to have to run its course between your daughter and her boyfriend as there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it (as you've no doubt found out by now). There is nothing in the world that will keep a young couple together like disapproving parents. Thank goodness that your daughter has been mature enough to put herself on the pill and who knows, maybe one day in the future you might find that it was true about your daughter being 'good for him' and they'll both turn out to be a credit to your family.

[Mammar]

Do keep the dialogue going.
The only thing is you may have to think carefully about what to say to her and how to say it. Regretfully if you use terms like "ruining your life" and "waster" directly to her, it's very predictable that she will act like Kevin and Perry. Afraid you set yourself up for that one a bit!
Don't be personal about either of them, just point out the facts - finance, jobs, living costs, missing her teenage years etc and let her think about them. If she sees you acting reasonably and seeing her point of view she is more likely to listen and respond to you in the same calm way.
You can't blame his Mum for encouraging the relationship if she sees an improvement in her son. Perhaps he IS changing his ways and your daughter has been the catalyst. If he is rethinking his lifestyle then you may not have so much to worry about as at the beginning of their relationship. Be prepared to acknowledge it if that is the case.
You are going to have to sit it out and await developments. Just be patient and calm and don't over-react (however much you want to!) It's not going to be easy but softly softly is the best way.

[minibusman]

thanx for taking the time to give advice and i realy am trying to go 'softly' but she seems to be able to know the right buttons to press with both me and her father to make us explode!!
as for his mum... she is so wrong about my daughter having any efect on him!! he has a temper and has beat his mum before now and as i told his mum if she cant even garantee her own safety what chance does my daughter have (she couldnt answer that) you see to my face she will agree with me and behind my back she is taking my daughter out of school without permission so that they can spend time together.....
to be honest i'm more worried about his mum than him!!!

[Mammar]

Oh crikey!
That is not good news.
All I can do now is send you some good vibes and hope it soon sorts itself out.

[minibusman]

thanx for that ...
all good vibes are welcomed (and needed ) with an open heart.

[banjobabe]

Hey mini,

I remember being your daughters age and it didn't matter what my parents said I knew I was right. It is a very difficult situation to be in because you can't do right for doing wrong! Your daughter knows exactly which buttons to press to get you going as most children do. Phsycologists say that 4yr old children are the professors of physcology as they rely more on body language and facial expressions rather than what you are actually saying. If you think about arguments that you have had with people you may find that while the other person is talking you are not necessarily listening but thinking of the next thing you are going to say. This is very likely to be happening with your daughter. The best I can suggest is to stick with it try and support her as best you can.

It is so easy to say but try really hard not to tell her what she must do, depending on her personality she may do the exact opposite! The more you slag him off the more she will protect him.

Love is blind as they say! It has taken me years to realise that being attracted to the same type of man (baddie) is not doing me any favours!

I wish you the best of luck during this difficult time and I hope that I may have been of some help xx

[minibusman]

hi banjo,
just knowing people out there are understanding and caring enough to listen realy does help...
thanx again.....x