old boyfriends!

[goldheart]

Im 34 and my fiance just turned 50.
He doesnt look 50, just a much broader version of Jose Morinho. I think he is dead sexy and fit and i really fancy him and more importantly love him. However the last couple of years our sex life has really diminished. When we met, about 7 years ago, it was never brilliant and only about once a week (although lots of cuddles and cosiness though in between) but i had come out of a relationship where it was ALL THE TIME and i couldnt cope! So now to go to once a month is a problem to me. But he just says he is just more tired through work and I know that he has never been a sex maniac so his libido is really low (when we do have sex without foreplay its over in minutes. He wont talk about it as he is very old fashioned!). I still love him but im getting very resentful. I feel moody with him or start arguments. A friend said its because to me any attention, positive or negative is good, like children, so if im not getting attention i will get it by being moody. However, he has lots of energy when it comes to his Superbike - he can get on a bike and spend hours polishing and tinkering! Whats more important? I really miss sex and the intimacy it brings, im afraid our relationship is going downhill slowly cos i cant see a change - i feel like a good friend to him, not a lover. I certainly dont want an affair but the idea or fantasy of it is getting more appealing. Anyone been thru this or going thru similar?

[Scarlett]

He is your fiance.. so you are assuming that you will marry him and be together in 10 years time when he is 60, and 20 years time when he is 70. I'm no expert, but men's desire to have sex does decrease with age, plus as you have said, he was never really that into it in the first place. You are 34, at your sexual peak. Mens sexual peak is 18! It sounds like you are just not in the same place, sexually, due to the age gap, and a bit of personality and preference. You both need to compromise to make this work. He is 50 and is going to start winding down a bit from now on. You need to be aware of this! However he does also need to accept that you are in your prime, and need sex more often.
Why not try and do things together- romantic things, that may or may not lead to sex. He could be feeling pressured by you, which in itself is a turn off. If he is exhausted from work, make time to be together. Turn off the TV and PC. Go out for meals and to the cinema/theatre. Dress up! Go away for the weekend to a posh hotel, or abroad. Make more time to appreciate each other, but allow sex to happen naturally, rather than everything being a precursor to it.
If he really can only cope with sex once a month and isn't willing to compromise, maybe you need to accept that although you love him, he isn't necessarily the right man for you to get married to?

[goldheart]

Thanks scarlett.
If there is nothing on the tv to watch (not that we're couch potatoes we like to watch documentaries and history channels) and he says theres nothing much on he may have an early night so I can watch what I like, i often say, "well we could both have an early night if you like?" and he sort of groans and says he tired... I used to pressure him at the weekend, but not every weekend though. However i do get moody when i really feel like it and especially as he doesnt have to get up particulary (and had an early night the night before). We do tend to go places together, even walking the dog round the lakes these nice evenings... but it doesnt really make a difference, he just aint into it! So i have to think hard about it, the thing is i hardly every ask him now which gets me resentful cos i have to wait, and I spose that makes him happier, but im dying!!!! I dont know whether this is a bit rude for this website but he also may expect a little "favour" now and again but he doesnt really return it unless its mutual. i.e. when he tired it includes not "helping me out" not even to shut me up!!! ANYWAY, time will tell and extreme measures, i.e. leaving him may make him face up to things may have to be put into place sometime in the future. You know my past boyfriend was always up for it but he was a sh*t, now I have the great boyfriend/fiance in personality, looks and kindness, but not great sex (when that happens!!!) anyway thanks for listening!

[Champagne]

Yup... that pretty much sums up every relationship I've ever had!!

If you find the solution will you let me know too? :o)

[cascarelli]

I don't think it's necessarily an age thing. My wife's granddad was, erm, banging away well into his 70s and early 80s - unfortunately not always with grandma!

It's probably more of a difference in sexual appetite. Have you tried teasing, flirting, dressing sexy to get him interested? Or you could get him some of those little blue pills which might help him (and you) out........

[goldheart]

Yeah tried eveything. The thing is wit the blue pills we have tried twice and still same result, only lasts a while... but the problem is getting him to take them cos in his head he says he tired, so he doesnt seem to want to put the effort in. Teasing doent do it either, or watching erotic stuff - its like a catch 22, the more i ask the more arguments which equals no sex. the less i ask the happier he is and still not much sex!!! grin and bare it, im only asking for once a week but the most thing i miss is kissing. He doesnt do full on snogs or passionate kisses unless we in bed, and i miss these more. a while back i got up from the chair on a sat. night and we both had a glass of wine or 2 and gave him a kiss, then moved in for a more passionate one, and he laughed and said "gedd out of it!!" all jokey like a child and went all embarrassed. He is old fashioned in the romance dept. which is good some ways but slow in others. yet he made all the right moves to woo me in the first place - lazy sod! He is self conscience too, about 1.5 stone overweight, which to me he still looks fab. but he doesnt like it so keeps saying he is past his sell by! Im not exactly cindy crawford and a bit overweight myself, but that has always been the case cos i have doubted my own appearance for lack of his sex drive!!

[sue11]

Hi Goldheart, has your fiance possibly got a medical problem? It may be that he has and is too embarrassed to talk to you about it? If not, then my suggestion would be to set aside some time for a serious talk to your fiance, perhaps after a couple of glasses of wine when you are both more relaxed. If this was me, I would be telling him how much I love him and still fancy him and miss the physical side of sex with him, you may be able to get him to open up to you a bit more.
If you have been very happy together for the past 7 years in all other aspects of your life, then I feel you need to decide what the over riding factor is in your relationship, sex isn't everything as I am sure you know!! If he is kind, loving and supportive then he is definately worth hanging on to, as we all know there are too many cheaters and abusers out there and the good ones can be hard too find!
All the best, Sue

[Scarlett]

The more I read, the more I feel he is actually just a selfish lover!! Maybe you should give him an ultimatum and see how he reacts?