I feel awful - any words of wisdom?

[tigerthecat]

I will try and be brief. I have been with my partner 23 years we have a 5 year old child. The relationship has always been hard. In hindsight it was because we probably shouldn't have got together in the first place. With his support I left a low paid miserable job and ten years ago became a teacher (my childhood dream). I have enjoyed the job and been pretty successful . However the job was hard and very very long hours. But two years ago I demoted myself and took on a less demanding role. The time made me look at our relationship and I wasn't happy. My partner had been living with depression for six years then and spent most of his time in bed and avoiding the world. I went to see his psychiatrist, ranted at the GP and he was given a CPN who sees him fortnightly. He also had about 10 sessions of CBT. He continued to live a miserable life and I continued to live the life of a single parent with our son. i take him to thepark on holiday etc.

Last november I'd had enough and said that i wanted us to split and he promised to do the shopping, take our child out once a week and do some housework. Over the last couple of months he has stopped doing this. AND three weeks ago he had a minor heart attack. This enforced convalecence has been torture.

Oh I forgot we went to relate during this last two years and I was unable to face leaving him, which is the conclusion the therapist and I came to.

Last night I told him that I wanted out. But I do love him. He cried but I said that it was over. Tooday I feel awful, i dont want us to split up but I cant live like this. The ramifications on our child and financially are dredful. Has anyone any words of wisdom or had a similar experience.

My friends are desperate for me to leave him and so I dont talk to them about whats happening.

[grumpii]

Look hard at the reasons you wanted to stay with him, are they good reasons, or is it because it is easier to just stay and get on with it? Children are very resiliant and will adapt to changes in life. As he doesnt seem to work, or really contribute financially, the financial situation could work your way. Listen to the people around you who know you both, not just your friends. Ultimatley if you love him, what ever descision you make sounds as though it will hurt deeply, dont make the easy descision, make the descision that is right for you, cos you will have to live with it. Hope it works out well for you.

[redhead23]

hi tiger,
it does sound like you have a terrible time with this man , ultimately only you can make this choice of if to stay with him , however it does sound like it is draining you ,
could you not have a trial seperation and c how it goes
it does appear you seem to be flogging a dead horse , but depression is a seriousillness so i would just suggest you take some time out for the time being x good luck

[cruella]

Hi tigerthecat
I really feel for you just now after reading your posting. Depression is a terrible thing to live with, especially the person looking on.
I am glad that he has a CPN. He and yourself really need to talk all this through with the CPN but the fact that he has recently had a heart attack will not improve the situation. AS to the finances, he can claim Disablity Living Allowance if he is not already receiving it.
Sounds like he needs counselling and the heart condition is a horrible illness to live with. You just seem to live from minute to minute with it.
His GP may be willing to prescribe medication to stop any panic attacks he amy have due to his illness, depending what he is on already.
I can only empathise with you, I went through the heart thing with my Husband for two years, no depression and it tore me apart, but I stuck with it, pushed for heart surgery which he had a few months ago. he has made a full recovery and now a different man but it was unbearable for a while and like yourself, trying to hold down a full time demanding job.
Hope you get it sorted out.
All the best.

[DJerba]

This is going to sound harsh but its true and I'm sorry if this offends or upsets anyone but it's just the way it is...

You get 1 life you dont know when it is going to end and you dont know what is going to happen throughout your time on Earth. Ask yourself this - in 20 years time do you really want to be looking back on your life and regretting it? You only get 1 chance as did your partner and he has clearly messed up and done nothing much to help himself or you or your child. If you dont look out for yourself no one else will your friends and your husband have just proved that by the sounds of it.

I truely believe everything in life happens for a reason and maybe this time with your husband happened to make you a stronger person later on in life. I have been through quite possibly a similar situation although with my sister and I've seen the toll its taken on my parents and my sister. I had been there to support them and keep my family together through out the whole ordeal but now I find it really difficult to have have anything to do with her as she just wants to drag everyone down with her and I'm not prepared to let her do it, I've been there for her and tried but she doesn't want to help herself and until your husband wants to help himself you've got to take control of your life.

What you've done is a really brave thing and you should be proud of yourself for looking after you and your child because you wont get another chance, every day gone by is another wasted day if your un happy.

Good luck and stay strong

[curlyperm]

think Djerba got it just about spot on there! x
Good luck and have courage x