Problems with eldest son

[tubeway]

I do not usually post this sort of question, but I am at my wits end and need some advice.
I am married with 2 sons aged 21 and 19 - I get on well with both of my sons and my wife and I are very happy together. The problem is between with my eldest son and my wife. They usually get on fine - but very often my eldest son starts arguements with my wife, he is very disrespectful to her and treats her in a poor way. Even things that are his own fault my eldest blames on my wife and this causes an arguement. My wife eventually loses her temper and there is a row between the two. Usually ending up with my son storming out and me comforting my wife. I can not put up with this always happening. I do not want to chuck my son out - but if I had to choose between the two - of course I love my wife more, although I love both of my sons too. My eldest does sometimes apologise to my wife but it is done with bad grace and ends up prolonging the arguement. My son has other problems at the moment (his girlfriend of 2 years has just found out that her dad has a year left to live) and I know that things can not be easy for him, but I am getting so fed up with my wife being hurt - any advice would be appreciated

Thanks in Advance

[crete]

you and your son take a trip our, eg the pub, a walk. a meal. explain to him his behaviour is affecting the family and whatever his issues are being disrespectful to his mother wont be tollerated, dont make threats about asking him to leave the house unles you re willing to carry them out, ggood luck

[tradey]

hes an adult you should tell him to start acting like on or if he wants he can live on his own,my god hell soon come running back,good luck

[Black Noir]

I am ashamed to say that I acted quite similar towards my mother whilst in my 20's (I am also the eldest) .
Without justifying your sons behaviour it is the easiest thing to do when the woe's of the world are upon you to turn to the one who nurtured you and loves you the most in the way you did as a child, and assume that your mother will forget all about it and continue to love you unconditionally whatever you have said to her.

Your son probably isnt getting the usual attention from his girlfriend due to her situation.

Perhaps what your son needs the most is quality time alone with his Mum. I always resented sharing my mum with my younger sisters and now find spending time with her alone being able to speak just about "me " and "my problems" a very emotional but rewarding experience.

Hope this helps & Good luck x

[CheekyChops]

I agree with Black Noir. I am also ashamed to say that I also acted in a similar way with my mum during my 20's (I am female). On many an occasion, my Dad would step in and threaten to throw me out for upsetting my mum (which he never did). I was virtually a perfect teenager, it all went downhill in my twenties for some reason.

Don't get me wrong, on the whole my mum and me had a very good relationship and still do, but during that time, there were many times when I know I treated her very badly. It would start as a small disagreement but end up as a full scale row with me in my room or out sulking and my mum crying. This usually happened when my dad wasn't in because I knew he wouldn't allow it to escalate in such a way but even when he was in, I still did it but it didn't go on for as long (or rather he wouldn't allow me to continue for as long).

I can't tell you what caused me to treat her in this way, it certainly wasn't anything she had ever done to me - maybe she was the 'soft target' because I knew I couldn't get away with anything with my dad, I don't know. It finally ended when I moved out to live on my own (late twenties).

The only consolation I can give is that did eventually pass and I now have a fantastic relationship with both my parents.

[bednobs]

is your wife your son's mum?

[tubeway]

Yes she is - which makes things worse

[teag1rl]

I'm not sure what to say really. At twenty he should have a bit more respect for his mum. OK, like has been said he might be a bit upset at less attention form his girlfriend, but then she is going to be spending as much time with her dad as she can, bcause she KNOWS that one day soon he will not be there. I'm not sure how you could point it out to your son, but he has got a perfectly good mother who loves him and he is treating her like sh1t. Not really sure what I'm getting at, and I'm sure there are folks here who could put it better than me. :o)

[WendyS]

Perhaps the problem is that your 21 year old son likes to think he's an adult (which he is physically & legally ) but actually he's still emotionally under-developed and not yet good at either handling his feelings or his personal relationships. I think taking him down to the pub or for a quiet walk to talk things through is a good idea. Simply tell him that his arguments with your wife are causing a great deal of stress within the family and you're not prepared to put up with his mother being treated in that way any longer. Tell him you understand that his girlfriend's problems may be reflecting on him, but suggest to him that now he's an adult he should learn to handle his family relationships better, otherwise he'll never be able to cope with handling the other adult relationships he will develop in the course of his work, etc. He's probably partly testing the water to measure his independence, which of course he's probably frustrated about because he's still living at home and off your money which may be a cause of some of his hidden resentment. Perhaps you could probe this issue with him and ask him whether he'd feel less restricted living away from home on his own if this would reduce the cause of the friction. This may not be possible if he's still not earning, but if he is, maybe you should encourage him to think about living elsewhere. If you can achieve this move amicably you may well find that his relationship with his mother improves vastly, especially when he has to fend for himself and realises just how much she still does for him.

[LLASY]

I think a chat is needed here, tell him how you feel. You seem to be worried about everyone elses feelings but what about you? This is clearly upsetting you and it needs to be sorted out soon. Tell him that you are not prepared to carry on living with this bad atmoshpere, he should not be disrespectful to his mother. I think its a case up "shape up or ship out"!

[mooglet]

I have 5 children and four of them sons, so i know what its like to row and for one of them to be difficult. What I do is get them away from the home and ask them whats wrong. Sometimes there are things that make them snappy but are afraid to talk about it. Maybe you could go for drink or a coffee and explain that you notice he is not like himself and is there anything you can help with. Your poor wife it must be difficult for her to. I always try to avoid arguments with mine, i will change the suject and try to be one step ahead. Maybe if she does not argue back and ignore him that might help, like a naughy little child. I put my MP3 player on and turn it up,
Hope this helps