Lap Dancing/Strip Clubs: Acceptable when you are in a relationship?

[Wagon_Wheel]

Hey guys, I am really stuck on this one and need your advice. I have been in the same relationship for four years and my partner and have a child together. He would love more children but I am unsure as he is completely hopeless when it comes to contributing to child care (emotionally, not financially). I work as well as look after our child and, to be honest, it's killing me. He has been on about seven foreign holidays/weekends with mates since our baby was born: I have been nowhere. However, that's not the problem (or is it?! LOL). In the past six months (as far as I know) my partner has been going out with a group of his male friends to lap dancing and strip joints. Sometimes he stays overnight with his friends and sometimes he comes in at around 3. He didn't tell me this himself, however; I learnt from the wife of one of his male friends who was absolutely devastated as she was 8 months pregnant at the time and feeling like crap. At the time I went mad at him, not because he had gone, but because when I asked him where he had gone he completely lied to me. Last night he came in at 3 again and this morning when I was getting up my son gave me a receipt he found on the floor from a well known strip joint dated last night. When I questioned my partner he said that it was the only place that had a cash machine - er, yeah right. What I want to know is, am I being unreasonable feeling ****** off and taken for granted? Men, what do you get out of the experience, please (is it really that obvious?) . Should I just shut up and accept it's part of the male psyche, especially in groups, or should I expect him to grow up (he's 40). He says that he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me, which though it sounds lovely, may not be that much of a compliment after all! Thanks for hanging on in there! xxx

[Black Noir]

I think hes bang out of order and totally disrespectful. I would go F*%$KING bananas if I found my hubby was going to Strip Clubs. We have been together 6 years and whilst he told me he went a couple of times (whilst married to his previous wife) he told me this was because she showed absolutely no interest in him sexually and he needed to get his kicks somewhere without actually cheating on her and being unfaithful.

I think if I found him going now that would be the first thing that came into my head - ie did he now feel that I was showing him no interest!

Sounds like your partner is being a little selfish and expecting you to be a wife, mother, bread winner and reliable enough to let him get away with it!

Are his friends married or single? Are these long term mates or a new "in crowd" which he is trying to be one of the lads with?

Im surprised you managed to type that much without F-ing and Jeff-ing !!! To be honest

Im right riled up on your behalf now ! x

[redhead23]

should not be doing that very disrespectful

[Wagon_Wheel]

Hi all, thanks so much. Believe me, I was holding back on the swear words as I typed! His friends are a mixture of old uni friends and work colleagues, all of whom, as far as I am aware, are married or engaged to be married. It makes me laugh cause they are all about 40 and seem to be trying to recreate their youth, wearing trendy clothes, etc....as for "holding out on him" sexually, that has never been an issue, although it might be now - LOL. xx

[cruella]

I for one, would be reading him the riot act.
It seems, although he is forty, he is still acting like a young lad. He has a lot of growing up to do and needs to be a bit more mature in his relationship. I think the holiday thing must bother you, as it would bother me. He sounds like he wants to have you and the baby but also lead a life as a single man.
He really must start taking your feelings into account. I would be telling him to either gorw up or walk.
Good luck, Don't let him get you down.

[nuoyg]

w_w I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. It sounds like he is thoroughly taking you for granted. I personally wouldn't be able to live like that as I know it would make me really miserable.

If it is really getting you down I would sit him down and have a serious talk about how his behaviour is making you feel and see what his reaction is.

I would be fuming if it was me and wouldn't put up for it at all,it's a massive pee take.... I agree with Black Noir and feel miffed on your behalf!

[nuoyg]

p.s it's not a very nice example he will set to your son as the little boy grows up either. I hope everything works out ok.

[LittleMissxx]

Think its a man thing mate. The lies are the worst one though. No need for it.

[888sally888]

I would be FURIOUS. Spell how you feel out to him, get him to help more and get a life outside the house too. You deserve way way way better x

[liquidspace]

I would be livid, lies or no lies.

Even if my bf was honest I would hate it and I wouldnt want him to go. A lot of these strip clubs are fully naked now as well.

He has to start being honest with you. You should talk about what he gets out of it and whether he honestly feels he can stop going to these places.

[Reverandfunk]

Hi Wagon, As a bloke I have been on occassion to lap dancing clubs both with and without my partner. The majority of them are all above board with nothing going on and very strict policies about what can and can't go on. However, I think the main issue you have isn't with the lap dancing bit it's the lack of responsibility towards his child and the fact he goes on foreign holidays with his mates and not you. I think its time to read the riot act with your points being: 1. He needs to be a proper father 2. He needs to put you in front of going on holiday with his mates 3. The odd visit to a lap dancing club is okay but not on a regular basis

[Wagon_Wheel]

I am finding all your answers really helpful - thanks so much - please keep them coming. Reverend, I think you are right, it's not so much that he goes to them, but a) the fact that he lies about it and b) the sense I get that he wants to remain a single man in essence but have all the "advantages" of having a lovely son, a beautiful home, a ***** in the bedroom and a chef in the kitchen (to quote Jerry Hall).
I think at some point a man who has committed to having a relationship and a family has to understand that his life will change and go with that change wholeheartedly.
We have spoken since the incident and he has refused to talk about it any more, aside from saying that perhaps I would like to see itemised receipts for all his endeavours from now on - ie. quite childish. He thinks I am making a fuss about nothing and even said he had spent the weekend thinking about how he could extricate himself from the relationship as I was being a pain about it. I told him that if that was how he felt then I would not object to him leaving. Since then he has said he didn't mean it and he loves me, etc etc. The phrase "cake and eat it" does spring to mind.....

[thingummyjig]

the next time he goes out, try to arrange for your son to sleep out (pref without hubby knowing) . When you hear him coming through the front door, nip out of the back door. Leave him for 15 minutes to search for you and begin to worry, then walk in the front door, all dressed up like you have had a night out! See how he likes it! Failing that; as before after he's gone out for the night take your son to sleep out somewhere, go out with friends, have a bl**dy good night, but be in bed before he gets back, hide all the evidence! Then, a few days later, just slip into a conversation that yopu saw '???' in whatever bar the other night and see how he re-acts! Payback time!!!

[sam100]

Hi Wagon_Wheel! To be honest what i would do is offer to go with him one night! If he has nothing to hide and is just there for a laugh he wont mind it..infact you could take some of the other WAGS along? If he is not prepared to do that then i would then be a bit phissed of as your offering to hand some sort of an olive branch by going along to this place to see what its all about and why he wants to go there so much.

[spammylou]

If you was happy in your relationship and he treated you well, I would not see it as a problem, as I don't mind my partner going, and I have even been to one myself, and they are actually ok! i.e the proper ones.

Men could be in the local boozer spending and buying drinks for women and shafting them afterwards; sorry to be crude but this doesn't go on in the lap dancing clubs apart from them paying for dances but it is unlikely they get to shag the dancer, there aren't many women there other than the dancers and usually they are with their dh's.

Aside from this your partner sounds extremely selfish leaving you while he goes off to these places regularly and going on holiday, to look after his children while he disappears and not get in until 3 am. What about you? My husband did all this and I am glad to say he is now my EX.

Good luck!!

[Reverandfunk]

Hi Wagon, personally I think you need to sit him down and lay it on the line. Tell him exactly how you feel, how selfish he is being and that you and his child should be the number one priority. I'm a bloke and a man who doesn't spend time with/look after his family is no man at all. I wouldn't get involved in playing games such as if he goes out, you go out because at the end of the day that's not going to make things better. Just tell him that things have got to change or you will be making some changes.

[jno]

are you sure this guy is your partner? To be honest, he sounds like a single, 18-year-old boy to me; I can't see any evidence that he regards you as his partner (rather than just as a bit on the side). I sort of agree with everyone who tells you to read him the riot act, but I have deep doubts that it will make any difference. This guy is not an adult, and not a decent father either. I don't lightly advise people to break up relationships, but I fear both you and your baby are onto a loser here.

[Miss Inquiry]

Thingummyjig - u make me laugh!! That is ingenious!

I think it is the lack of honesty that is the problem here, not the lapdancing clubs. If Mr Inquiry ever lied to me I would wonder why he felt the need, we are in a relationship together, equal and there is no need for lies, it breaks trust, if you havn't got trust in a relationship why be in the relationship?

I have been to a few lapdancing clubs, with guys from work, male friends, even girl friends, out of curiosity/sometimes going along with the flow/sometimes because we fancy a giggle. Mr Inquiry is always the first to know the next morning (if I was out without him) regurgitating the nights happenings. Equally if he is out with the lads and was to end up at a strip joint then he would tell me. He has nothing to hid, I trust him 100% and wouldn't mind if he was to go to a strip club. I am not theatened by it at all (maybe grab a few girlies and go and have a look yourself - we all look good with dimmed lighting and trowls of make-upon). Like nearly everyone here has said there are strict rules, no touching, the worst that happens there is the total rip off prices for drinks (hence the cash machines inside, trying to intice you to spend more).

With regards to you not going away, that is an issue, most of my female friends have got children and we all still manage to go away on girls nights/weekends. You sound like you are in desperate need of some nights out. Looking after a 4 year old and holding down a job is hard enought, not to mention having to keep an eye on your partner, you need to let your hair down princess! Why have you not been? Finaces? Fear of leaving your little one? Not being allowed? Time? Pick up the phone and sort out a night out/weekend break.

[Miss Inquiry]

I'd sit him down over a glass of wine, tell him your upset and importantly tell him why (from my experience men hardly ever know what is wrong with us as they are programmed totally differently - what upsets us can go by totally unnoticed by them - it's not their fault, it's their genes). Then after telling him how you feel see what he says, and ask why he felt the need not to tell you, importantly i'd also mention you feel he needs to do a bit more with your son, spend some more time together, and be much more honest with each other.

Good luck x

[Rixy]

Hello I can fully understand you being angry with your man going to a strip joint. I personaly dont think there is anything wrong with anybody male or female going to see strippers. I think its is wrong that he is lying to you that he is going to these places. I have only been to a strip club/lap dancing bar a couple of times and I have told my partner each time that I have been. She accepts it and says its my money that I am wasting. She is so right because it maybe nice to look and a naked stranger but nothing beats the real thing. What I would do is tell your man that you are going out with a few of your friends to see strippers and see how he reacts.