How do you stop someone from making a really big mistage?

[efc]

I have a very close friend and even though shes a lot older than me and we now live several hundred miles apart we have always been there to support each other when things haven't been going too well. Well really I should say that she supported me through my bad times! Since I moved I have always kept in very regular contact with the whole family.

However, two days ago her son phoned me and confided in me about something that he did several years ago whilst still living at home. He now feels the need to confide in his mum and for some reason wanted me to know what he was going to do. I suspect it is so that I can be there to support her. How I wish he hadn't told me!

My advice was to let the past lie. The news he is about to tell her will devastate her. Like all mothers she thinks he is wonderful and the perfect son. She isn't a young mum, in fact shes now in her sixties. Her son is married with a child of his own, own home, great job etc.

I just know that he is about to make a huge mistake. I'm sure after the initial shock his mum will forgive him and see it as something that happened in the past but I also know how bad it will make her feel for not having realised that something was wrong all those years ago.

Am I right to advise him not to tell her? Why hurt someone over something that happened years ago?
I also feel quite shocked at the moment as I lived next door to the family until 9 years ago and never noticed anything wrong!

[RATTER15]

Well that depends what he did!!

[raysparx1]

Hello efc, All you can do is be there for your friend if/when she contacts you, he must have thought long and hard before coming to this decision, so it can't be easy for him either, if it is something he feels he has to tell her, nothing you say will change his mind will it. Just wait for the call from your friend and be the friend you obviously are.

[efc]

RATTER - he was addicted to cocaine for years! She will be so devastated that she didn't notice any of this. It was all going on whilst he was still living at home. Why tell her after all this time?

[Aprilis]

I am of the opinion that if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Obviously I don't know the details in this particular case though.

Sometimes people feel the need to spill the beans to ease their conscience but if it is going to cause unnecessary hurt to others then I feel that it would be quite a selfish thing to do. If it is something that would never come out otherwise then your friend's son should keep it to himself. However, if it is something that she might hear from someone else then it's probably best coming from him.

[ELVIS68]

Is that it?,I thought it was gonna be something worse than that, hardly worth worrying about

[Aprilis]

Oh dear, got called away from the computer half way through typing my answer. By the time I submitted mine others had appeared.

I don't think he needs to tell his mum about this. What is there to gain from it? It will just hurt her unnecessarily. He's trading his guilty conscience for upsetting his mum.

[efc]

Ray - thanks, good advice I know and I will be there for her.

Aprilis - I think you've got the same views as myself. Why hurt her after all this time?

And ELVIS - just what I expected from you lol

[raysparx1]

efc after reading what he is going to tell her are you sure she will be that shocked ? he was on cocaine, he isn't now is he, he came through it, he now has a family of his own, I can see your point though and to be honest I can't see why he feels the need to tell her, unless he was stealing money from her to fund this addiction and he wants to clear the air on that part of his life and to tell her how sorry he is, but at the end of the day it is his decision

[ELVIS68]

Honestly though, why does he want to tell her if its all in the past?...... attention seeker maybe?

[efc]

I really don't know why he has chosen now to tell her. All I can confidently say is that she will be totally shocked by the news. I'm sure she knows absolutely nothing about it.

The thing that will hurt her most is that she didn't notice and that she wasn't there to help! I know she'll see it as being something that happened in the past but I also know it won't stop it hurting.

[ELVIS68]

Why do people think friends are there for dumping all their problems on?, when she rings, tell her you already know about it and it`s old news, better still..change your phone number

[efc]

ELVIS - i'm shocked!! then again i'm not really! lol

I can't do that cos she's been there for me through some very rough times - still is infact!

Looks like i'll be planning another visit home sooner than i'd thought! God i'll probably even have to face the ex again!

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, I am with ELVIS on this. The things you should be looking at is why all of a sudden he wants to tell her. I bet she wont be as shocked as you think.
Mothers know a lot more of whats going on than you think. They just try to blank it out of their memory.
The other bad thing is what it might supposedly do to her. If he knows this will shock her so bad, then why is he telling her at her age. She might keel over. Is he trying to get back at her for something?

[nuoyg]

I think if he is genuinely over it and has his life sorted then he shouldn't tell her. It may worry her and make her question herself as to why she didn't see it. I don't think he should tell her - do you know why he wants to tell her after all these years?

[efc]

Says he just wants to clear his conscience and i'm sure he doesn't realise how much he is about to hurt her!

Its not even as though its only just something hes got over so I really can't understand the need to clear his conscience now!

[raysparx1]

Hi efc, If he is doing it just for that reason,he is indeed being very selfish, I did so many real bad things when I was young, but I would never have told my poor old mum about them, so it is purely so he feels no guilt.,if that really is the case his thinking is beyond me, as I said you know how his mum will react, so all you can do is wait for the call,hope it turns out ok.

[joko]

how on earth does he think that telling her will ease his conscience?

does he think that the mere telling someone of something bad that you did, makes it all ok?

does he think that the worst thing about all this, is the fact that he kept it a secret??

he is deluded and selfish if he thinks this will have any effect on his conscience - he still did what he did, that won't have changed.
i can't believe he thinks this will help him - he is a fool.

all he will actually do is upest and burden his mum, and change her and others opinions of him forever.

perhaps he knows she will shoulder the blame for not seeing it and doing something about it, and he will accept this, therby absolving himself of the responsibilty for his actions! (at least in his mind thats what will happen)

this swine is just trying to SHIFT THE BLAME!!

conscience has nothing to do with this - he is trying get her to take all the blame, so he is the innocent one!!

you know what they say, eh?
''nothing helps a bad mood, like spreading it round''