is unclear.
point is, as a reader, those things jumped out at me, & they will to others too.
you cannot demand readers like & accept all your own little ways -they simply won't.
writers must write what the readers want to read, in a way they understand (if you want them to like it) -you cannot just write any old gumpf & expect everyone to love it.
Sometimes, its not so much what you write, as the way you write it thats the skill.
anyone can write a description of an event -the skill lies in drawing the reader in, keeping their interest, making them care & remember it afterwards
you don't care about spelling & grammar etc? -well if you want your meaning to be understood fully, you should
i lost the thread a few times because of the punctuation etc
this spoils the mood
i really don't give a toss about your writing & this dream that you think is some great thing that everyone should read & love -you asked for a critique & you got one - a real one - the fact that it wasn't gushing with praise & you didn't like it is just tough
should you ever decide to become a writer (seriously don't) you will hear lot harsher remarks than mine, if you present this to them
You can buy a critique of your work from a professional writer for very little, I�d say about �5-10 for your length �look on the net for this� try it & then come back & tell us � you�ll see that what I said was not just trying to be mean, but trying to be honest & helpful
i realise its not pleasant to read something unflattering, but seriously, with no training, no knowledge of how to construct a written passage, no proper effort, a first draft, no editing, no real story, what did you expect? really?
you think you�re just a natural wordsmith?
nowhere near, I�m afraid