How to cope back at home with family after Young Offenders?

[MarkM99]

I posted here last year when I was going back to court to get sentenced for ABH about what to expect and got good answers. I got released last week and am back home but am finding it hard.

My parents didn't come to see me when I was in prison and since I've come home we're constantly arguing. They don't even want me smoking or drinking at home and don't want me going out in the evenings. I know it's early days but at times things were better where I was. I have to stay at home as I had to agree to that and I know I have to start looking for a job. I'm glad to be out but am just finding things difficult and can't really talk to them properly about it as it just is a big row.

I'm the oldest - 20 - and have two younger brothers who I get on well with but even that causes problems.

[annie0000]

Hi Mark - it is very sad that being inside feels better than being out - I guess that the routine and security were probably quite comforting. I think that at 20 now you have to say that the stupid days of youth are behind you and try to better your situation. You at least have an address, and that is a good start to go and get work. i still believe that good honest hard graft can help you. Firstly because it keeps you out the house and secondly because it gives you structure to your life and thirdly because it is your way out of the current situation. Have you been offered any help in trying to find a job?
The positives you have in your life are that you have a roof over your head, brothers that you get on well with, your health and your future ahead of you. My other half used to work with a guy who had had a bit of a mispent youth, he had a police charge sheet as long as your arm. When my husband first met him, he was working as a nursing assistant in a mental health ward and loving it, he was also in the marine reserves. he also got really into mountaineering. He has now put nursing on the back burner is married with a little boy and is currently serving with the full time Marines in military intelligence in afganistan - he was hand selected because of his mountainerring experience. What I am saying is that you have the power to change your own life, your background will be an issue for some people but not all. Don't make it an issue for yourself. Keep out of your parents way as much as possible and try to keep to the house rules. Maybe a few years down the line, you could get a place with one of your brothers.

Anyway, all the best and keep your chin up.

[rabbitygirl]

Hi Mark - seen your other post about how girls would react to dating you and here you are again! You are obviously needing some reassurances as you are having difficulties with being back home and what your future holds. It's move on time now but Rome wasn't built in a day - adjustments, changes and new beginnings all take time. The hardest thing about being miserable and in difficult situations is not being able to accept that for the time being this is how it is. But it won't always be like this. Do what you need to do. Keep the peace. Look for a job (and keep an eye out for a girlfriend). Accept now but look forward to your future. I am sorry that mum and dad did not support you with visits and appear to still not. This may be because they believe you have let them down. Children do disappoint and I know as a parent of two adult sons, one of whom has been in trouble a couple of times though not v seriously, a parent can get unwanted and confusing feelings of disappointment. But you still love your child - you just dont like your child for letting you (and themselves) down. Who is easier to talk to - Mum or Dad? Could you tell them you are sorry for any hurt you have caused but you are trying to move on and put your life right? Annie0000 is right - keep your head down and when you can safely move on and out do so. Keep in mind too that many people have much better relationships with parents when they are older and usually when no longer under the same roof. Chin up, stay good and keep in touch here.

[laurencelolo]

hi mark! Now Now keep that chin up young men!
You Are Rushing.
SIT DOWN and THINK now about you and what would you like life to be for you.
It means a complete change of lifestyle.
Have a dream, think how you would like to fullfill that dream
write it down, go and ask for help! ask where..
You do not have to do the 9 to 5 boring crapy job ? why not working abroad? charitable compagnies and do some good in your life and you will find peace again with yourself and your family will be pround of you again. understand that they are hurts to see their young child beeing stupid??? they have suffered too and they fear for you and it is not fair on your parents SHOW respect at home meaning that you have enough of it yourself too. says or do not say what you want to do but go for it good luck with your future life mark let us know! xxxxxxxxx

[vehelpfulguy]

I am 57 years old and can perhaps give you an example of what your parents may be going through.

I have a son and daughter in their late teens, early 20s, and I myself have always been a VERY law abiding person.

If either of my children got into "trouble" with the police I would be absolutely distraught. It would bring shame to my famly and my family name.

Even having them back in the house after prison would be difficult for me.

I should imagine your parents are going through the same feelings, wondering how their relatives and neighbours are thinking about what you have done.

They will also be concerned about your influence on your two younger brothers.

I do not know the details of your life, but if your parents have given you a roof back over your head and a home they deserve your thanks. Have you sat down and told them how much you appreciate that ?

This is a very difficult time for them.

As others have said, try to find something constructive to fill your life. Maybe find an organization which will let you go voluntering overseas for a year.

Search the web for overseas volunteers or something like that.

It will get you out of your family home, and give you time to sort your life out.

Good luck.

[redhead23]

wow abh ?

i got assaulted by a bloke and u know what it was the scariest thing ever !

but i belive that what comes around goes around , mabye you should ease off the drinks and wacky baccy and get some anger managament
good luck in your future

[MarkM99]

What you're all saying makes sense.

I know that they are still very upset about it and that they went through a bad time too. They were there in court when I got sentenced and I felt very ashamed for them when that happened. I know that they don't want the same thing to happen to my brothers so they are being tough on me.

I have tried to say that I am sorry about it all but I don't want to be reminded about it with everything I do. I want to be the same as my other mates who are my age.

It's only been a little while since I got out so I suppose things will get back to normal. I am getting help with getting a job but nothing yet so things will probably be better when that happens.

[annie0000]

Is there any chance that you could get involved with maybe doing a few talks with younger teenagers about the impact that being in trouble with the police can have on your life?

The benefits being:
1. Helping others;
2. Reminding yourself so that you are not tempted down that road again;
3. Showing your parents that you have changed and that you know the error of your ways.

[WendyS]

It's obviously a difficult situation for you both you and your parents right now and perhaps it you can accept that transitions are usually uncomfortable until you get accustomed to them, this will help you not to become demotivated. While you were in prison you probably didn't have to think for yourself much as your time was strongly regulated. Now you have your freedom again and being in control of your own self-discipline is understandably proving hard. But I don't think it's unreasonable of your parents not to want you smoking and drinking, especially as you're obviously not earning yet. Where are you getting the money from to fund this? You've probably lost a lot of self confidence and self respect as a result of your court case and prison spell. Having a job will allow you to have an identity again, and if you can put all your energy into finding one, and more imporantly, hanging onto it. I think this will reassure your parents that you are trying to turn your life around. Be patient. You and your family will get through this difficult phase eventually, but it's in your hands to put the past behind you and hopefully you will look back in a couple of years' time and feel a more confident and happy person when your life is back under control.

[tillyh345]

Hi I have read your question and felt very moved by it, and although everything has been said that I was going to say, i still felt the need to write a reply. I also have a son that has been through similar problems to yourself, and has now been home for a year with his family myself and his dad and his younger brother. Now he has in the past caused us all a lot of grief and stress to the point that I was on anti-depressants and felt so let down by him. His dad and me gave him everything possible and felt very cheated that he had took the wrong path. But as I said he has been back now a year and we talk a lot more than we ever did before but mainly because he now realises that by yelling at us, we dont hear the words just the screaming. What I am trying to say is communicate maturely with your parents tell them how you feel, and I am sure they would only be too pleased to sit down and listen to how you feel and how you want to show them that the past is the past and you want now to move on. Anyway I wish you all the very best and would be very interested in how this all pans out for you. Keep us all updated on your progress!!

[MarkM99]

We had a long talk last night and got some things sorted out. I have an interview now on Thursday that was set up for me so hopefully that will go ok - it's just a supermarket job but that would be good for now.

I have no money of my own yet so I need them to pay for anything I need for now so having my own cash would be good. I know I have to stick by their rules for the moment but they want me to be perfect which I'm not and can't be but at least we are talking I suppose.

They still don't want me drinking as taht was what got me iinto trouble last time but have compromised on the smoking so that is something for now.

[tillyh345]

Well done glad things are a bit better and Good Luck with your Interview on Thursday and dont put the job down, we all need supermarket staff or would we be! Its a job and you will have self respect, and more importantly your own money! Dont forget your mum and dad are just human beings with feeling as well and the drinking probably scares them, knowing you may do the same again, you need to give them time to trust you again but they will!

[tiggertan]

Hi Mark, there isn't a lot more I can add that hasn't already been said. I'm sure your parents are just concerned for you's and your brothers' welfares. This will be a difficult time for them too. You really have to prove to them that it jas a stupid 1 off and that you can act responsibly and will never do anything so daft again. You can gain their trust back but it will take time and effort. Respect their rules and be grateful that they have let you continue living there again. I know a few families that would wash their hands of their children.
All the best for the future and well done for being so sensible about everything.
With your attitude you will succeed at anything you put your mind too.

[dfward]

where do you live Mark. Have you ever thought about looking after racehorses, working in a stable. Accommodation is usually provided and u get a sense of responsibility.....and have a good time