Can you ever really break the cycle?

[Rubyrose]

Is there ever a way to break the cycle of how you raise your children, if you have been raised that way?

Certain method used by my parents I don't agree with, or don't agree that they worked, but I can't help but think that I will end up using them on my kids as it's how I was raised.

People always say 'Blame the parents' and I do think it's true. If you are seeing something done, day in and day out and that's how you were raised... when does the cycle get broken?

Do you think it's ever possible?

(I'm not talking about major things like abuse and stuff.. I just mean the small day to day things like shouting, losing tempers, etc)

[dot.hawkes]

Yes you can slippers, my Mother-In-Law was pure evil, my ex husband was a cold undemonstrative person, my Mum said i should make sure that my children understood affection and cuddles, i did and they are nothing like his side of the family, my Mum was right, and so are you, it is about how your parents behave, changing it is not easy.

[bexste]

I always thought that I would bring my son up like my parents did with me but I have to say I was wrong! My mum and Dad were fantastic when I was a kid and I really wanted to be the same with my son but I soon realised that lifestyle also has a lot to do with how you raise your kids. My Mum stayed at home with me and my brother while my dad worked she had a lot of time for us, both me and my husband work full time so my son spends some time after school at my parents and some time at kids club, he also goes to a great school so this all contributes toward shaping your child. My husband also had some different ideas that he felt he had learned of his parents. I think the key is to do your best to teach your child good values, morals and respect for others but dont be too hard on yourself if you cant be perfect all the time, I spent a lot of years feeling guilty because I didn't think that I was as good a mum as mine but I heave learned to relax a bit now and people comment how polite and friendly my son is.

[Rubyrose]

Yeah but Dot, she wasn't your mother so could the cycle as easily have been broken if you had been raised that way too?

My mum and dad are genuinely nice people and have a laugh like the rest of them but my mum has a tendancy to get a bit depressed now and then and everytime she does, she blames it all on her life and says we are the cause of it. I get so angry at her and tell her she is the only one in control of her life and if she doesn't sort it out, then no-one will come along and sort it out for her. I get annoyed when she says we are the cause when the truth is, she isn't happy with my dad anymore but doesn't have the courage to walk out the door.

I was just thinking that if I ever became like that (god forbid) would I say the same to my kids, even though I know how it makes me feel when she says it to us!

[oopsydoopsy]

Hi Rubyrose. have you ever heard of transactional analysis. Complicated stuff but I wish I had understood it years ago ! It involves a lot of the parenting skills that are learned from our parents and others. I have had a lot of counselling over the past 12 months and it is quite scary how my feelings and emotions are linked to the way I was brought up, or are triggered by it.
I have an 8 and 6 year old children and I can assure you that the cycle can be broken, if you recognise what you have to change !!

[Rubyrose]

Thanks Oopsy Doopsy.. That encouraging. I need to look into this I think. I don't want to carry on the cycle...

[spudqueen]

I have a theory that we often do the opposite of what our parents did, probably for our children to end up doing the opposite of what we do so completing the circle! Eg My Gran was late for everything, my Mum was early for everything, I'm always rushing out of the house in a whirlwind at the last minute yet my son is always ready!

Somethings I consiously do different to my Mum. She would always run me down to my friends. If someone called round for me I would go and get my shoes or coat or something and when I got back my Mum would be telling them how I hadn't tidied my room or how I'd cooked something and left the kitchen in a mess. I'd NEVER do that to my kids. It was so embarrasing. My Mum also used tears - she'd burst into tears at the slightest thing and then say look what we'd done to her and what terrible children we were to get her into that state. Again I never have and never would do that.

[Rubyrose]

Hmmm, Interesting Spud.

I hope that's what happens to me. My mum always blames her lifes problems on us (me, my sis and my bro). But we are good kids and have never really done anything truly terrible. We don't stay out all night and day or do drugs or smoke or steal! I was probably the worst of the 3 when I was about 14-16 but I am 22 now and have grown up a lot. She is just unhappy with my dad and likes to blame someone else instead of having to realise she is the root of her own unhappiness! My dads not perfect but he is a good guy. I don't know...

[xhxmxsx]

my fiance's girls live with their mum and she left her home when she was 13 as she was so unhappy, she does alot of things her mum used to do when she was being raised and cant seem to break free, i think your parents do influence the way u bring up kids but i'd assume if you really didnt like things that you're parents did then u would make double sure u didnt do them

[Rubyrose]

But my point (and worry) is, can you consciously (sp?) make sure you don't do them? Coz you'd just do it as normal and it's only if you throught about it that you would be able to stop it! But most stuff we do is done on instinct anyway!

[andy-hughes]

My father was an abusive bullying pompous ignorant monster, and i always said i would never hbave children, because I woldn't want a child to hate me the way I hated him.

My wife had two girsl from her first marriage, aged six and four, and when we were going out, i found myself doing the opposite to my dad as often as possible. I was, and am, endlessly patient, I constantly affirm them as wonderful people, tell them how much i love them, and how valuable they are to us, and as individuals. The same occured when we had our third daughter.

They are thirty-two, thirty, and eighteen now, and have all grown into wonderful women of whom I am totally proud, and most importantly - we enjoy being together, something i never had with my dad.

Yes, the circle can be broken - just be the parent you want to be, the rest falls nto place.

[Rubyrose]

Andy thats lovely and I am glad you managed to break the cycle. You must be very proud but it sounds like they should be proud of you too.
Xx

[andy-hughes]

I am - thank you for your very kind words.

A x

[leighkaty]

hi rubyrose hope you get to read this because i just want to say its not your fault your mum was depressed or whatever so dont ever believe that, i agree with the fact she is probably unhappy with your dad and is or was taking it out on you and your siblings, im not to happy with my partner at present and i do sometimes feel like i take it out on my kids even tho i try very hard not to as im aware of why im doing it and yes you can break the cycle i parent my children in a very different way to how i was brought up not necessarily for the better but definately different haha