Rights of ex's

[garry745]

Really would like other peoples opinion on this, even if it is to tell me that I acted inappropriately in the first place. My partner and I had been away for the weekend. Was a weekend that her daugheter spends with her dad. On our way back home, her daughter called us to see where we were and what time we'd be back. During the conversation, we were told that her dad had been as is normal as he generally has a coffee before making his journey home, and whilst he was there, he took it upon himself to hang some units onto her brothers wall. My initial reaction was one of outrage. Could not see any justification why my partners ex husband should decide himself that he can just do as he pleases in our home. I acknowledge that he wants to do things for his kids, but to me there is a correct way of going about things. My partner and I discussed this during the remainder of our journey, and agreed that he should be told that he shouldn't have done that, and that he should have asked first. I know using text isn't the ideal way to convey messages, but the point we wanted to make was simple and short. Sent the text below. "Thanks for doing Ben's units. One point though, you don't live here, so please remember to have the decency to ask in future and remember this is our home and not yours." That's it word for word, and my opinion is that at worst, it is nothing more than abrupt. It's not confrontational, but states things exactly how my partner and I see it. It did however provoke an angry response from him, where I was called all the names under the sun and threatened violence against me. None of which happened anyway, but his reaction has made me question whether he should have rights to do things for his kids. Have admitted that texting was not ideal, but taking that aside, was our response to his actions wrong?

[confused79]

Firstly ill like to say i have a similar living situation whereby i am split from my chidlrens father and live with my new partner adn my three children.
Firstly i think its amazing your partners ex is even allowed in your house especially when you are not there (my partner woudl never allow that let alone put cupboards up).
I dont know your while situation and cannot judge, but it does seem strange he has access to your home, i woudl feel very uncomfortable with my ex now being in my home.
Putting that aside and assuming your partner has a good relationship with her ex for the sake of the children lets assume.
I do agree with you that he shoud of asked first befor doing any adjustments in your home, i also agree with the texting as it avoids the children finding out what is being said between you, and also seeing as he had a bad reaction if it had been done over the phone or in person - face to face it coudl have caused a argument in front of the children, so i think texting was not a bad way on doing it. You have every right to ask this of him, and you shouldnt feel like you have to tread on egg shells with him, its your home at the end of the day! he should feel privledged you even let him in your home, especially whe you are not there!
Let him have his moan/winge about it, its his problem, i think you are being very fair!

[Trinny]

hi garry, well this is a difficult one. Firstly though, no, he should not of just hung the units without asking you first. You probably would of said you would hang them yourself I guess. And its your property. And he should of respected that.

But, I can also see how he may of thought he was doing you a favour, I would say, he was doing it for his son. He wanted to do something for Ben. It must be difficult for him, his son living with a different dad. New family, you know.

Texing is a bad way to communicate... tell me about it!!! but you reacted on the spur of the moment. Did you always get on with your partners ex in the past?

[confused79]

i agree its not a good way to communcate by texting as feelings cannot be made over texts, but its hard when you are in this situation and the the text which they sent to me didnt seem rude.
I agree that the ex probably finds it hard not being able to do things like this any more, but i still think its amazing he has access to their home when they are not there.
I can only assume they had a good relationship hence why he is allowed in there, but it still takes the biscuit him just going ahead and doing something with out asking.

[garry745]

Thanks confused and trinny. The first thing I'd say is that he's allowed access to the house out of trying to do the right thing. He lives nearly a 100 miles away from his kids, with some awful roads to negotiate, making the journey time very lengthy. Also, his son is at the age where he doesn't visit at weekend any more as he has other things to do. Doing it this way gives him a chance to have time with his son, although admitedly it is problematical at times. Is also the fact that I have the same situation. My daughter lives about 100 miles from me, but I at least have other places to act as a resting spot when collecting / dropping off. Is about being fair, and ultimately doing what is right for the kids, which does often mean ignoring your own feelings. Being the absent dad, do understand what it's like and know that you still want to do things for your kids, Thing is that I expect people to have same standards as me. As it happens, my daughter asked me to decorate her bedroom over the weekend, even though she lives with my ex and her parnter. To a child, they don't see a problem with it as dads simply do those things. However, I had to explain to her that it simply isn't my place to do that any more.

[Trinny]

you both are really great responsible dads by the sound of things. Him, by traveling a long way to see his children, you also to see yours. Not that many dads would do that. I still think he was trying to help his son. Sorry, I assumed Ben was a little lad. It would be good if you could sort this out, have a chat face to face about boundaries etc.

Its good for the kids to see everyone getting on. I know its not always possible. But you seem a nice intelligent bloke, and I am sure you both want whats best for the kids. Best of luck to you garry

[confused79]

Yes i agree, its much better for kids to see adults getting on, wish i had that. It seems a good understanding you have and i hadn't realised about him living so far away, my ex only lives round the corner so a bit different.
I think you are very fair with him and its good but i do agree he should have asked first, i think he over reacted in terms of calling you names etc., maybe it has calmed down now and it can be spoken about, just make sure boundaries are set and you all agree then i think all should be ok.
Its so hard with ex's and trying to make children understand but i think you will be okay with this, hope so anyway, take care and good luck

[garry745]

Thanks to both of you for some sound words. My partner and I agree that the only way forward is to talk to him, explain the boundaries and just take it from there. If he chooses to have an adverse reaction as a result of that, then we'll deal with that as and when.

[loublou1971]

my ex lives quite a distance away, about 80 miles but he does not stay long when picking up/dropping off. only comes into house when he's asked (raining etc). I would not stop him coming in to my home even now i'm with a new partner, but i would not allow him to make any changes to my home, i would expact him to ask if it ever came to that, he does ask permission to get her hair cut but then she is only ten. I would not personally do any DIY in another persons home unless it was in an emergency. Just general manners really.