Doc, WTF???? That's well out of order, mate.
Silversky, I experienced this for some time before meeting my current partner, when inexplicably it stopped. I never saw the doctor (how stupid am I?!) and didn't know the condition existed until more recently.
Seeing your doc about something so personal will never be a breeze, but you have done the right thing by ensuring that you see a doc you are comfortable with. Take a deep breath, and tell her everything that is wrong, all your symptoms. She'll only be able to make a useful diagnosis if she knows as much as poss.
I know how difficult this situation is, and I know that you probably feel helpless, so although my advice just echoes that of others, I wanted you to know it's much more common than it's made out to be, and you aren't alone!
If it IS vaginismus, then medically it's hard to "treat". But your doc should discuss methods that you and your partner can try, from all foreplay and no sex, to not trying to have sex when you are stressed out etc.
I am not going to whitter on about sexual health etc. and patronise you, you're wise enough to be aware of all that, and old enough to take the consequences of sex.
Wishing you lots of luck :) x