my annoying personality

[Leapers]

when i find someone who i like and likes me back i seem to be very out of order and horrible to him when he's trying to be nice. for example i met up with him in town and we were going for dinner he said i looked nice and i was so rude to him it ruined the whole night!! why can't i be polite when people are nice to me i can't seem to let anyone get close to me and i can't do anything about it why?? what can i do?? thanks

[nuoyg]

Been hurt previously in a rel'ship?

[Leapers]

not really i've never had a proper relationship before its always been i don't really know how to describe it i just can't let people get too close becasue of the fear of being hurt i suppose

[~Wingnut~]

I think it is like a personal defence mechanism due to low self esteem where your worried he won't like you so you get in there first and insult yourself, It's a way of protecting yourself from hurt as you are showing your aware of your flaws (or what you think are your flaws) and are basically saying "It's ok not to like me" thus saving yourself from any hurt early on.
I think as well the reason you do it is because you don't like the attention being turned on you as your not sure how to handle it so you do so by getting offensive or like I do and say "No I'm not" and then proceed to pick fault with how I look.
Not sure if the above is why you do it (just the way I am perceiving it) and I'm not sure what you can do about it other than try to bite your tongue, say thank you and quickly divert the conversation.

Is there any chance this bloke will give you a second chance if you explain how you feel?

[raysparx1]

I think you are right Leapers, you are probably a little wary of being hurt, but untill you are willing to risk being hurt you will never know true love, we all get hurt untill the right one comes along, don't be scared to commit yourself to somebody, just try to relax and enjoy going out and see what happens,if someone pays you a compliment try accepting it without a sarcy reply, hope you can learn to enjoy going out without the need to be rude, or you will miss out on some good times, Ray

[raysparx1]

Hello wingnut, hope you are well, long time no see your name xx sorry Leapers bit rude of me.

[Leapers]

well he's is still talking to me but hasn't asked me out again yet but i cant seem to stop myself saying stuff i then regret i say stuff before i think and i don't realise the reactions of people. my friends were the ones who first told me about what i do and they try and shut me up if i'm talking to someone new but dragging them on a date might really scare him off

[cazzz1975]

maybe you were rejected by friends when you were at school?, do you have the same problem making friends also? It could be a fear of rejection which causes you to keep people at arms length.

somewhere along the line in the past you may have been hurt by rejection either friends or family. you have to learn to not push people away, maybe take your relationship very slowly and more non committal so the pressure is off.

I would also think you may have esteem problems in that you dont like yourself very much, hence you pushing people away before they "find out what you are really like"

not insulting you dont worry!, its a common term used by people with esteem problems that push friends and lovers away.

[~Wingnut~]

Hi Ray! I'm fine thank you :o) Hope you are well too :o)

Hi again leapers :o)
If you like this guy then give him a call, explain that you know it is one of your flaws but you find it hard to take a compliment and that you didn't mean to ruin the evening.

Try not to beat yourself up too much about this, your aware your doing it so you can start to try to do something about it :o)

[Leapers]

yeah i do suppose i have been rejected by friends and all people i've always had a problem making friends becasue i was shy especially when i was really young i just would'nt talk to anyone but i have sort of become less shy aslong as i'm comfortable with that person

[jno]

Wingnut's right - first thing to do is apologise. Tell him what you've just written here, if you like - he may need preparing for more insults! Your friends were good enough to point out to you what you're doing (it takes a very good friend to tell you you're making an idiot of yourself), which means you've got the self-awareness you need. Next thing is.. to stop doing it.

Thinking before you speak is a good start, but forcing yourself to be honest is also a good move. I would also guess you have shyness/self-esteem problems and that you don't necessarily truly believe the things you're saying - they're just a sort of defence mechanism, getting your retaliation in first. So stopping and thinking about how you really feel about what he's said, rather than just saying the first thing that jumps to your tongue, may help. It may slow your conversation down a bit, but I never knew a male who was put off a girl because she thought about what she said.

It might also help to force yourself to consider the feelings of people you speak to - ask yourself how they're going to feel if you say something silly or insulting. Is protecting your own feelings so important that you'll risk hurting theirs?

Looking back, what I've written sounds a bit harsh on you and I don't mean to be. Shyness isn't a crime. But sometimes it is self-reinforcing: you're shy, you say silly things, people are put off you, so you become shyer still. I think you'll be a happier person if you're less self-protective and more open to others' feelings.

[taperface]

Leapers - I know someone who does exactly as you do (but only whilst suffering from PMT). Next time you get chance to speak to this person, take them aside and apologise for your behaviour. Explain that you feel a little unsure of yourself, and you'd like to be given the chance to go on another date. If you can tell this person to "give you a look" everytime you say something out of order, then maybe you can learn to keep quiet, but if you have a genuine problem with insecurity, then there are confidence-building courses that you can go on. Also, try & put yourself in this person's place!

[joko]

i have done something similar to this myself on occasion, though not regarding compliments, but regarding 'types' - for instance, if I am with a group of serious, dull people - i will allow my jokey, free sprited side to come out all the more, if i am with clever people, i act slightly dumber - even though i know i can match their intellect, if i am with whacky crazy people i sometimes act serious, and if i am with dumbos, i become all serious and clever.

this only happens now and again and its not in order to try to belittle or attack the people, it just sort of happens - cannot really put my finger on the reasons why....

are you properly nasty or sarcastic?
perhaps your nerves are telling you to aim for ''comedy value'' so you are automatically ripping or gainsaying everything without actually assessing what has been said properly.
i geniune compliment when you are in that frame of mind would be hard to just accept gracefully i would think.

[Leapers]

Thank You so MUCH!!!!!!! everyone who answered!!!!! you lot have helped me so much the story now is.....
i asked him out to the cinema (watched hairspray-It was good) which meant i didnt have to say so much i also apologised for my mouth running away. he then asked me if i wanted to go for a meal so we did and it was brilliant! we talked and only once did i say something offensive but he laughed anyway we are also planning on going out next week he said it was a surprise. So thankyou everyone!!!!

[Quentin]

Just be nice you Knob!!!!