Smug

[auro]

Why is it that people that have no desire to have children are 'outsiders' and also why are parents so bloody smug ??

[secretspirit]

People don't all think like that but I know it can seem like that sometimes. Since I got married 3 years ago I seem to be public property for discussion of when I'm going to have kids. Some people seem to think it's bizarre that I haven't reproduced yet. It tends to be - but not exclusively - 40-50 year olds (it's women AND men) who ask 'Why haven't you had kids?' or 'When are you going to have kids?' even if I've only just met them! One lady asked me 'Are you waiting until you buy a 3 bedroom house until you have children?' and I said yes just to get her off my back. On the other side of the coin though you have the odd few who lecture you endlessly on why you should never have kids. On the other hand younger and older people don't seem to ask and both sets of parents' policy is not to nag because they know how much it annoyed them. Not all parents are smug though, I've got a friend the same age as me with a 2 year old and not only has she never rubbed it in how great he is (and he is lovely) but she freely admits what a struggle it is and doesn't pester anyone else to do it. Why aren't there more lovely people like that? I do want children but I'm not giving into pressure to have them when other people want me to, and for those who think it's selfish not to have any I think it's more selfish to have children you don't want. Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant.

[number8]

I think that's a reasonable point - before I had my daughter, I felt that friends who were parents were treating me with pity becuase I didn't have kids: what they didn't appreciate is that at that point in my life I had no desire to have kids, and was enjoying pleasing myself. I now have an eleventh month old daughter, who I love very much, but because I am conscious that parents can appear to be smug, I try to be, and hope I am succeeding, in being the exact opposite. Whilst we are on the subject of kids, why do other parents automatically think I want to talk about our kids? Despite being a parent, and this may sound a little odd, I don't actually like other peoples kids - and I most certainly don't want to talk about their kids: I couldn't give a tinker's cuss that their little darling has taken their first steps. I have a girl at work who has a girl the same age as mine, and it is her sole topic of conversation: prior to having a baby she was the life and soul of the party, now, dare I say it, she is boring. Oh, and another thing, just becuase I don't mind the noise of my daughter screaming, I am very very conscious that it would get on other peoples nerves, and therefore remove her from those situations - shops etc... I do this because when I hear this noise from other peoples kids, and they do nothing about it, it drives me up the wall.

[woofgang]

51 happily married and no kids (not through choice) When people look pityingly at me I talk about the large and comfortable house, the expensive habits and the plans for early and luxurious retirement...that usually shuts em up. I like kids, have two super teenage godsons and a wonderful great niece. IMHO, people who are pills and thoughtless about this are pills and thoughtless about other things too.

[MrsCheeks]

I am a mother and I have got NO problem at all with anyone not wanting to have children. What an indiviual chooses to do regards having or not having children is, quite frankly, none of my business. I ahve a lot of friends who chose not to have children and I can honestly say that I do NOT ever look at them any differently than those friends who do have children. In fact, they are more sane for NOT having kids hahahaha cos at least their income goes on THEM!! I think I would be a millionaire by now if I hadn't had kids. Have them, dont have them. Individual choice and not for anyone else to impose their opinion on. Hugs, xxxxxx

[andy hughes]

I have mentioned this in passing before - the subtle pressure put on people to settle down and marry, and then 'obviously' have children. I am a lucky man - I married my wife and gained her two beautiful daughters, but had to listen to people congratulating me for 'taking on another man's children' and wondering 'when we are having one of our own?' Excuse me? Are our (yes OUR) older daughters classed as house guests? We now have a third beautiful girl, and I would take great exception to anyone who tried to treat her any differently from her sisters, but you see my point? People like things to follow set patterns, it makes them feel safe, and often paretns are reinforcing the idea that they did they right thing by having children, and they want safety in numbers. If you are childless from choice, enjoy it, and ignore the remarks - could they just be jelous?

[kags]

Well I think it's down to biology myself. Human children need years of nurturing, feeding, educating, entertainment, protecting, keeping warm, sheltering etc, and so in order for the species to survive there needs to be a reason for parents to make this enormous commitment, often at the expense of their own comfort and ambition. So mother nature makes us fall stupidly in love with our children. And because we are stupidly and blindly in love, we adore everything our children do and want to tell the world about it. We think nobody has ever been so much in love before, and we justify the fact that we haven't had a lie-in for 4 years, we have no social-life, our careers are on hold so we are skint, our once pristine and minimalist houses are now full of prams and changing mats and remote control cars and dolls houses (plus they smell of nappies), by the fact that our children can blow bubbles, learn ballet steps or come top in spelling tests. If we didn't believe these things made it all worth while then nobody would stick it out. That is why parents are smug. Admitting that life without children might be just as fulfilling might make us question our own decisions, and we wouldn't wamnt to do that! I'm not justifying it, just trying to explain it. And of course it doesn't apply to me because my children really are the most loveliest, smartest and most beautiful creatures ever to walk this earth.

[secretspirit]

Can I just nominate scubaboy for an award for thoughfulness towards other people in removing a noisy child to be nice to others and andy hughes for being consistently the nicest person on the planet!!!

[Ray the DJ]

No one I know, thinks that way. I think you must hang out with the wrong people.

[woofgang]

Ray, (assuming you are male) I think that this kind of attitude tends to be directed more at women (by women) than men, at least that's my experience

[andy hughes]

Thankyou secret spirit, you are very kind.

[number8]

Ditto

[auro]

Thank you eveyone for some great veiws which perhaps I may not have seen before. Auro PS - Do DJ's hangout in better places ?

[bluedolphin]

People are smug about different things for different reasons....and so of course haveing kids, better car, better job, better girl/boyfriend larger breasts etc are things to be smug about......you only fuel smugb*st*rds smugness by being an audience ...it can be very annoying...especially around Xmas, relations visiting URGH!!!!and remember that hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse!!!!! Go with the flow!

[peace]

We have 2 children and many friends without. I don't treat those without children any different. Parents are not b..... smug just very proud of there children. Peace

[Sifter1978]

im a parent, am not smug, and dont think people not wanting to have kids are outsiders. i suppose, more people choose to have children than those that dont...and i see others being smug, but myself, i am proud of my daughter. whether you may portray that as being smug i dont know!