What would you do?

[fizzyBee]

My fiance had masses of pics of his ex on his computer (some of her naked) when we first met and he talked about her all the time. I got upset and he deleted them infront of me to show she meant nothing to him now as they'd split up a year and a half ago at that point. Then a couple of weeks later I went on the computer and found over 100 still on there, agian including some quite dirty ones and a couple of video's of her. Rather than bring it up again I simply deleted them all but I couldn't forget and it still really hurt so it caused a few arguments and made me really insecure. He kept reasuring me but kind of making it sound like she still meant a lot to him. She lives in australia now. The onle way they had contact is via email and he said she hadn't emailed him since we first met and he never replied. Then he left his emails on one day and I know I shouldn't have done it it I saw he had kept what looked like every one of her emails and again some were dirty and the insecurity came back for me. Then we went to see his family in france a coupleof months later. On the way home he told me to get his card out of his wallet and a little passport photo fell into my bag. It took me a while to realise who it was and again he swore to me he didn't know it was there and it's me he wants to be with. Recently I've been feeling very over this situation till yesterday when I found in the my documents folder a video of her giving him a BJ. I just couldn't stop shaking and he said again he didn't know it was there.

[jno]

PS Champagne, I am impressed by the way you spell sex with a $ sign; now what exactly is your subconscious telling us here?

[China Doll]

Oh I agree jno - It is inappropriate to have w4nk fodder involving the ex. I was just making the point of who you're thinking about while enjoying a good master debate and who's on your mind not being the same thing. Hence the Kylie analogy.

I'm not convinced he wants to be with his ex. Just think he's an ar5e. And an insensitive one.

(Pictures of Kylie giving someone a BJ at the british museum? Tut! Tate Modern surely?!)

[fizzyBee]

Well the photo's looked like the exact sames one's I saw him delete. I don't have a clue how they got back there and he said he doesn't know either. I don't know if I'm being foolish to believe that he realy didn't know. He said he didn't know the vid of the bj was there and he never looks in the my documents folder but I find that hard to believe. I'm sure even I would have noticed it there by now if it had been there all along. He said he hadn't seen it in ages and wouldn't have left it there if he knew it was there because I use the computer too. The emails that were dirty were very old.

[fizzyBee]

Oh and I really don't think he's cheating. We work at the same place so I always know where he is. I'm pretty sure he doesn't email her anymore so I don't think they're in touch.

[jordielaz]

what are you all on??? he sounds like an ar$ehole of the first degree. If anyone makes you feel this bad and makes you insecure then you dont hang around for long. I call it self-preservation. No wonder there are so many spineless men around with overly-laid back /i'm cool with anything girls like you who'll take any crap excuse for their sleazy behaviour.

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, fizzyBee, firstly let me tell you a few things.
I had loads of pics of my ex on my laptop and some bits of video's of us two together and she was pleasuring me to.
In his defence, maybe he didnt know the things were there. But once he had deleted them you would have thought they would have gone. But, again in his defence, they might have still been in his temporary files folder. But once he deletes these this time they should not re-appear.
Again , the photo in his wallet could mean nothing as he might have just forgot.
Firstly though i think you should tell him that he must get rid of anything else like that and give you permission to go on his laptop and have a proper look round.
If he likes you as much as he says he does, then he wont mind.
But if he refuses, then he is definately hiding something...

[WendyS]

Sadly I think you have to face the fact that your fiance is a serial liar. You shouldn't really have invaded the privacy of his computer but at least by doing so, you have now learned that he is not to be trusted. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person, with the certainty in your heart that he will lie to you time and time again? He obviously has been unable to let go of the past and this must put in doubt his 100% commitment to you in the future. Pluck up the courage to break off your relationship and find somebody who won't lie to you in this way. However much it hurts now, it will hurt a lot more, both in the sense of betrayal, and in financial terms if you have to split up once you are married or living together.

[Josyjo]

You know what Bee? You need to weigh up whether this relationship is making you mostly happy, or mostly unhappy... If the scales are tipped in the wrong direction, then maybe you should consider finishing with him.
Whether it is ok for him to have these photos can be debated all day long, but ultimately, if his behaviour makes you miserable, then you deserve different.
If you decide he's worth it, perhaps you could offer to replace the photos with ones of you, instead.....
I hope you can be strong enough, either way, to make the right decision for you.

[legend758duo]

you sound very unhappy and upset.
he shouldve got rid of the photos out of respect for you.

if you love him talk it over and make sure he gets rid of anything and everything.
but if youre still unhappy with him then time to wiegh up if you really wanna stay or go.

take care

[YJ]

It doesn't matter whether he's still got feelings about his ex or not. It matters that he's not showing you any respect by talking about his ex and letting you find these photos/emails (on some level it will be deliberate), and lying about it, and also, he's not showing his ex any respect, by letting you see them. You know the answer to your question already: it's that there's something very wrong here and he's not the right guy for you. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel good about yourself and who, if you ever let them take photos of you, you'd trust enough to be certain that no-one else would ever see them.

If it was me, I'd nick his ex's email address, and tell her (from a temporary email account) that he's still got loads of creepy photos of her all over the place that he lets people see. And then I'd dump him and cry for weeks. Which is rubbish - but what's the alternative? A relationship with someone you can't respect or trust?

Good luck