menohater

[steve garrar]

my partner of 11yrs has suddenly decided she wants to change the way we live our lives, i have tried to be accommadating but whatever i do it is always wrong!
other people have said she has become difficult but on the other hand people have said that about me too.
she is 41 am i clutching at straws now but is she going through the change or is is a case of she just hates my guts now!!!!

[jiggy-gb]

One of the hardest things to admit is that you don't love someone anymore, and it's often easier to just be horrible to them in the hope that they save you the trouble of being honest by them upping and leaving. If that's the case then you're in for a fair bit of hurt but in the long term it's for the best, never stay when the love has gone, you're just wasting time you could be spending with someone who will give you the love you deserve. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear hun, but i've been there before and that's what it sounds like to me.

[B00]

Woah steady there!

Before you follow jibby's advice (as good as it is) and walk away from a 11 year old relationship, TALK TO HER! There could be any number of reasons why she's unhappier lately, not necessarily anything to do with you.

Sit her down- discuss it.

[beryllium]

She sounds frustrated, or bored. I wonder if she knows what she wants?

A holiday?
Move?
Hates her job?
A pet?
A baby???

11 years is a good while to be together, so I do hope you don't just chuck in the towel. And that's both of you.

[jiggy-gb]

LOL, I meant to say talk it through with her, sorry, i got distracted by a whingy man with a hangover, he's dying you know...

[steve garrar]

fantastic advice from all of you , but no mention of medical reasons , a few old codgers down the pub reckon they` ve seen it all before and say it is the time of life.
this year we have been on two holidays and for her birthday i bought her a diamond ring(she always wanted) but we still a`int getting on i have tried to talk and done some of the things she wanted but she cant even bring herself to talk to me!!!!!!!!!!

[beryllium]

She seems a little young to be starting the change. Yes. It could well be medical, but, unless she goes to the doctor? Unless she sees there is a problem??? I wouldn't go there.

Us women dig our heels in if our men suggest hormones lol.... very touchy subject indeed.

In what way does she want to change the way you both live?

Are we talking The Good Life?

btw... I'm coming up to 40.... :) and I did decide to go live the good life..... he now has to commute.....

[meredith101]

dump the evil cow

[steve garrar]

yes berylliam the good life ,i e move near her family and i commute 50 miles to work , oh and give up nights( well paid) and clean the toilet after use!!

[meredith101]

As for time of life, hormones, blah blah blah, ....everyone has an excuse. TIme for some 'me' based thinking. Does she make you unhappy by her behaviour? check. Has it continued for some time and will it appear to continue despite your specific ultimata? Check.
If it's check check you walk. Relationships are for fun. Not so that some witch can treat you like a football because she has control issues.
Life is far too short. You have an obligation on no level to stay with anyone, nor should you. Despite hormones, it is not THAT hard to stop being a bitch all the time, if you really want to. If you leave her against her will notice how quickly her hormone state mysteriously improves if she wants you back.

[beryllium]

50 miles? is that all? and clean the pan after you've had a pee lol.....

My father... aged 60+ still commutes to The City from Bournemouth!!!

mr B commutes from Kent to The City too..... much less mileage than my dad..... but still commutes.

She may want to be closer to her family because they are ageing? and feels she needs to look after them?

Can you afford to give up nights? or could you stay at the house and she just visits her family and stays there when needed? weeks at a time if necessary....

Best o' luck Steve...

B.

p.s Clean the ruddy loo!!!

[theonlyone]

Take your partner out for a meal or what ever you like doing and TALK to each other as you will not get anywhere until you do. Start as you mean to go on , find out if she is not well ,has problems at work etc. if you want your relationship to survive you have to work at it . Good Luck .

[PatriciaH]

She could be starting with the menapause... maybe shes feeling shes "past her prime" sort of thing , even though shes only 41..has she ever mentioned she would like to get married or have children ? could it be any of these things ?

[Kleiber]

meredith, don't you think it's worth working to save a relationship that's been going on for 11 years? I certainly do. You seem to be a bit of a misogynist to me - you must've had a bad experience in the past.
Steve, she's a bit young for the menopause, but that's not to say it's not possible. Take the advice the others have given & talk to her. Good luck!!

[pastafreak]

Please do take the advice of all who suggested talking things over....it is such an important part of any relationship. You have been together too long and now is not the time to be selfish and think only of me. Relationshjps may be about fun to some but they are also about sharing ,commitment and loyalty. Good luck!

[steve garrar]

beryllium , you seem the voice of reason , i could give up nights but work twice as many hours for half the pay its a no brainer!! i will move near her family but we will not get a 3 bed semi there for what i paid for this place.
i will move mountains for her, we could downsize as my son and her son are 17/19 respectivly . you think it gets better then **** like this happens!

[meredith101]

come back in a year and let us know if she's still a crabby cow. I won't say 'told you so' but....

[sense4all]

Some of my friends have gone a bit funny at Forty.

One is moving to the Middle East, she wants to try life of an ex-pat.
One has become fixated with material goods as a measure of their sucess.
One is massivley into 'charridy' ( thats a euphamism for charity to our international observers ) she must be racking up cosmic brownie points for some reason.
One has decided it is time for her to do what she wants as she put everything ' on hold while bringing up the kidsand helping establish HIS career'
A few have spent years on the 'hamster wheel', and are taking more vocational, less stressful jobs, now that they are financially secure-ish.

Some people get very reflective at forty, feeling that thay are not at the point where they should have reached - or have not done specific things. Did you say years ago that you would move closer to family. It must be tough for you to be on different time schedules ... I know it gets on my nerves sometimes, although I take on board that you would have to work longer to acheive the same salary.Perhaps she feels that life is sliding by and she is not enjoying that sensation at the moment.

[meredith101]

maybe she's having an affair and it's just coming out as crabbiness towards you.