Archaeologistists have recovered the remains of ye crucifixion recording:
Yes, I did try the 'son of a widow' bit, but they're obviously not masons like us.
30 pieces of silver? Rent boy? No, you've got the wrong end of the stick. I said stick.
Character witnesses? Good idea. Hold on - eh, my mates were round here somewhere.
Gotta go dad, they're delivering food.
Blahr! This fish tastes crap - too salty. Where's the vinegar? Oi! Watch that spear!
Well you can take your embalming fluid and stick it up your...
... and there ye parchment endeth.