How can a woman without children

[alliecat17]

Hi, I am a married 37 yr. woman without children. We do not plan to have any. I am often treated so differently and am feeling very left out and abnormal. Am I abnormal? I feel very lonely sometimes. What are your thoughts on this. What can I do. Thanks. Ps. I live in a family oriented small city where just about everyone has children. I am unable to move to a different state right now.

[pingu97]

Hi allie, even though i'm a very maternal person & a mummy, i dont think you're weird at all, I would say that cuz of my strong maternal feelings i perhaps cant understand why any woman (not you specifically!) doesnt want children, but that definatley doesnt mean i'd think any less of anyone! Everyones different, my auntie has no children she & her hubby are 50 & never want kids, they have a farm with loads of animals instead!
There are so many children born into families who don't really want them & it's so unfair, so if you really 100% dont want kids please dont have them just to bow down to pressure, it's not fair on you you're partner or the child,
Are you sure it's just that you have no desire for children or is there something else maybe holding you back, you dont need to answer that it's a rhetorical question, but please do think about it, I'd hate for anyone to look back and think about what they wished they'd done in their life,
Hope that helps!

[cazzz1975]

there isnt a lot you can do to change peoples opinions Im afraid, you just have to let the attitude wash over you.

If you choose not to have children then that is your choice, its nobody else's business, I have children myself but I respect anybodys life choice as long as it is not hurting anyone.

There are a lot of women who dont choose to have children, its not such a rare choice, helen mirren was only speaking about it a few weeks back

Dont let people's attitude get to you, it will only have a negative impact on your relationship and have you irrationally questioning yourself

[andy-hughes]

Unfortunately, our society is geared towards the family, and some people feel insecure if anyhone bucks the trend which makes them feel safe and 'normal'.

As previously advised, a lot of people have children because it is expected of them, rather than because they have done as you have done, and made a concious decision - which of course is entirely yours to make.

Be strong in your choice, and if people make an issue with you, fight your corner, and confirm that your choice to not have children is just that - your choice, and no-one has to like it or approve of it.

It's in these situation where we have to fall back on our sense of self, and affirm ourselves. You are obviously an inteligent and sensitive person, and you should not allow yourself to be dragged down by narrow predjudice and unfounded one-upmanship.

Ignore these small minded people - feel free to look down on them because the only way they can feel better about their choices is to question yours - how insecure and immature is that?

You have a strong independent woman - you have nothing to reproach yourself for. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that out loud. Then go out and live your life.

[alliecat17]

Thank you for the replies thus far. I do not know why I do not want any. Maybe afraid, but gut feeling is not to. Maybe adoption at some point if the maternal need comes later in life. Please keep the feedback. It is helping. Another thing making this hard is that I work with new momies and newborn babies, and I do like it. It makes this more confusing.

[cazzz1975]

hmm, this to me is a different issue to the question you posted, I thought based on your question that you didnt want children purely and simply, you just wanted the acceptance of your community.

yet your reply suggests you are confused as to whether you do or not. Adoption is a very long and difficult process, its is definately worth the end product but it puts a huge amount of stress on a lot of relationships. many couple split up as a result of the process.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and discuss your feelings, once you have decided how you honestly feel about things.

Dont have children just to fit into the community.

My sister was adament from an early age that she would never have children and no one ever made her feel like she was wrong, yet when she was 34 she decided she did want to have children after all (she gave birth in november)

maybe you need some time to think about what you want in life...

[alliecat17]

My confusion is that I work with babies yet do not feel the need to have any of my own. My husband is 110% sure he does not want any in any form. He is 38. I knew this when we married. I would like to know how to better fit in. Men don't seem to have this problem. Thanks.

[cazzz1975]

Thats because men dont think about it on the level women do, women feel its almost expected of them to have children, you need to stop feeling that you have to fit in to societys expectations. Also sometimes women do question it more as their biological clock starts to tick.

Men can father children much longer, where as a woman only has a short time to pass on her genes! so I can understand why men can get past it easily

There are loads and loads of women who remain childless, maybe you need to join a childfree by choice forum, these women will be in the same position as yourself and can give you support.

I obviously mistook your last post, I thought that you were confused as to whether you felt that you wanted children or not. Obviously this would be an issue as your husband is 110% certain!!

here is a link to a board thats for women who choose to stay child free.
http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/iv-ukntcfb c/

[mccfluff]

i'm 35 and i don't have nor want any kids. the only thing that really annoys me is people (women mainly) telling me i'll change my mind someday, WHY WOULD I, i havent so far (min rant over). Having kids isn't for everyone, don't worry so much about it your certainly not abnormal. As for feeling lonely i guess i can kind of understand that, a lot of my friends have young kids and when we go out as a group of girlies and the conversation turns to this and that about their kids, it can be a bit mind numbing! i usually tune out or offer totally impractical solutions to whatever problem is being presented lol

[alliecat17]

Thanks so much cazzz, I have been looking for some type of forum like that. Thanks for the support. Maybe this will help other women too.

[jno]

you're not at all abnormal; I know many people without children. I don't know why this should make you feel lonely, though. Do families avoid you?

Perhaps this is out of order but, reading between the lines, I wonder how much you don't want children. You say your husband is sure - not that you are. You work with children. You feel lonely.

I wonder if, deep down, you are as 110% sure as your husband is?